3 under 2

People often ask me how we do it with three kids under two, and up until this point I'm always like, um, we just do it. I mean, I don't really know any different and you just figure it out. However, next time someone asks me how I do it without losing your mind, I think I will answer "I don't".

So the twins are finally walking...all over. And to be honest, I NEEDED this to happen. Imagine running to the car three times just to put each child in the car. Forget all the other trips I have to make back out because I forgot other things. Nightmare.

But now they are walking. And this was cool for about a week. And then came the "I can walk, so I can also throw myself on the ground screaming if you take away the cell phone I was playing with". Yeah, joyous.

All kidding aside, I am going insane. Nope, that was a joke too. My patience is actually growing, as are the list of hilarious things that happen in a house with three little ones. Like when they reprogrammed the home phone message to a bunch of baby blabbering. Or when we visit my parents and I put the boys to bed in the same playpen, and they spend the next hour in an ultimate restling/giggle fest. I especially love when they crack each other up for no apparent reason at all. Don't even get me started on bath time, how Jada manages to giggle so hard that she slides herself to the other end of the tub is just beyond me.

So that's why I haven't been able to blog lately. I'll work on it, I promise...but not at the expense of missing all these baby moments. I'll never get that back :)

P.S. What do you do when you are stuck home all weekend with sick babies? Make two batches of cookies! Try it, I promise it will make it all better!

anatomy of a shopping trip

Much like my buddy Rachel I have been in a serious funk lately.  I can't even get into all of it, but basically I feel like I'm the little ant and God's the big guy with the magnifying glass trying to scorch me.  Ok, maybe that's a bit extreme.  Anyhow, what makes me feel better when I'm down?  Shopping!  I rarely get to do this but last night Jeremy approved a meager budget of $50 to spend at Marshalls.  And since he never understands how I can spend an hour at one store, I shall now explain it.  

 

4:05pm - Jump in the car and head to Marshalls.  

4:11pm - Run into Marshalls knowing full well the clock is ticking. 

- Slowly walk through the kids Halloween costumes, remind myself to focus, and move on to shoes. 

4:15 pm - Hit up the bargain shoe section.  Why are there no size 9's?  Do I have the most popular size in the world?  Try on a few tall stilletos that I know I can never wear since my husband is only 2 inches taller than me and flips when I buy tall shoes.  Settle on a pair of 8 1/2's with a shorter heal and toss them in the cart.   

4:25pm - Browse through the regular shoes, nah, nothing here, don't need winter boots. 

4:29pm - Ahh, Clearance clothes section.  I start with the pants.  Sizes I browse the full range from size 6-10.  Find of jeans, and brown pants.  Throw them in to try on later

4:40pm - Clearance tops.  Again, browse everything from small to large.  Find a few tops.  Not satisfied - go through the all the racks again more thouroughly, pull out 3 tops to try on. 

4:51 pm - Coats?  Might as well look at winter coats.  Oh, and clearance dresses.  Coats are not on sale, and dresses look ancient. 

4:55pm - Purses.  Man, I could use a new purse.  Something that can fit all my things but isn't too bulky.  Try to find cute name brand stuff that isn't so trendy that it will feel outdated in two months.  ARGH!  Nothing within my little budget even though I go through the isles about 5 times wondering if I missed that perfect purse that was accidently marked down to $15. 

5:08 pm - Time is short!  I have to get to the dressing room!  Sort through my stuff and pick out 8 things to try on.  Call Jer in the dressing room to let him know I am wrapping up my trip. 

Jeans fit great, as do a few shirts.  Discard the rest and head out of the dressing room. 

5:16pm - Think twice and retry on the brown pants.  Nope, way to big.

5:18pm - Run to the check out while mentally adding up my purchases.  Ditch the shoes because they throw me way over. 

5:19pm - End up going over by $10.  Final purchase: 1 pair of Jeans, and 3 shirts.  One of which I think I will end up returning. 

5:22pm - In the car and headed home. 

 

Not feeling any better having gone shopping I convince Jer to go out to dinner which ended up being a good way to get out and talk. 

 

So, that was my shopping trip.  Maybe next time I will just buy a bar of chocolate. 

 

gender confusion

Today after church we headed to lunch as usual with the kiddies. We go to basically the same place every Sunday for several reasons:

1. We found the best waitresses there (Maggie and Danielle)...
2. ...who bring us plates of crackers and lemons to keep the kids entertained unti the food comes.
3. They have a great kids menu and know what we order every time.
4. They always seat us far enough away from other patrons so when Anthony throws his fries over his shoulders it doesn't hit someone.
5. Bottomless Pomegranate Ice Tea
6. Comfy booths
7. Close to home :)

Maybe Jeremy will come up with his own list. I'm sure there are things I left out.

So anyhow, we are having lunch today, chatting about the church service and the end of the world -not related - when this older gentleman walks towards us on his way to the bathroom. So he stops at our table and as Michael and Anthony shove fries in their faces he exclaims, "It looks like you girls are really enjoying your fries! How cute."

I wish I could describe the look of horror on Jeremy's face when this stranger mistook the boys for girls. Somehow, despite the fact that they were both wearing black athletic pants, brown sneakers, and red polo shirts this man mistook them for little ladies. I just laughed. "I think it was the braids," I told Jeremy - after realizing that an older white gentleman might not be used to seeing little boys with straight back braids. In any case, we had a good laugh (atleast I did). Meanwhile Jada was sitting there, dressed all in pink and white wondering, what the heck do I have to do to get noticed around here?

Good times.

C

dear mr. ramsey

Dear Dave,

Your envelope system is fabulous. I finally broke the habit of swiping my little debit card every time I wanted to impulse buy. You are right - cash is better! Oh, and I even got rid of my cable, and lowered my phone bills. I also paid off some cards and haven't charged anything to credit in months. But I have one question:

How do I make SallieMae stop calling me?

With college loans that could buy a yacht, my little service to society job is not quite making the grade.

My husband tried negotiating with them and they hung up on him. Suggestions?

Respectfully,

Christi

death and grief

I feel like I've been sleep walking for the past 4 months. I try to look back on time and can't seem to figure out where it has gone. It's as if I've been walking through a hazy fog, waking up, eating, going to work, back to sleep. I think back to a year ago, and the people that were once so present in our lives but now are gone, and it seems like another life entirely.

This past week I haven't been able to put thoughts of my cousin Jon and Jeremy's father out of my head. I keep replaying the events of May and the sudden deaths of them both within days of one another, and I can't seem to grasp the reality of it all. The traveling between NY and Miami, the hasty arrangements, the stacks of sympathy cards, and the painful goodbyes. It all is so final. I rechecked our phone ID the other day and realized that Jon's number had finally been bumped off our caller ID, no longer marking his last call to us on Mothers Day. A call I never recieved because we were in Miami with Jeremy's father.

I think of my father-in-law, and what a strong commanding presence he had, and how our children will only hear stories of the wonderful man who shaped their daddy into the father he is today. I think of holidays and family get togethers, and wonder what it will be like. I worry about my husband and whether or not he has really processed the whole event himself.

And yet there is a normalcy to life. The sun rises new every morning. The seasons keep changing. But sometimes I just wish it would stop for a little while. Or slow down just enough so I can feel like it's not trying to force me to keep up with it, and move on, and build new memories over the old ones. I want to sit a little longer, just as I am, without it thrusting me forward.

8 We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed. We are perplexed, but not driven to despair. 9 We are hunted down, but never abandoned by God. We get knocked down, but we are not destroyed. 10 Through suffering, our bodies continue to share in the death of Jesus so that the life of Jesus may also be seen in our bodies.
2 Corinthians 4:8-10

Are you dealing with grief?

And what the heck, 10 ways to change your attitude if you are like me and get yourself all worked up at 1am in the morning.

Blessings,
C

drunk pumpkin

A few falls ago I carved out these cute little pumpkins into tea light holders. I was looking for the picture of them on my computer so I did a search in my pictures for "pumpkin". This is what I got. I can only assume that Jeremy put it there.



I'm sorry, that's just funny.

Blessings,
C

identity crisis or boredom?

Number of times I've changed the design of my blog page in the past week: 5
Number of times I've had an identity crisis in the past week: 5

Alright, so I'm not really having an identity crisis. But having a new desire to write on a more regular basis, I have spent more time trying to figure out what I want my blog to look like. So, today it's purple. Yesterday, it was more pink. A few days before that, a subtle flesh color. But who really cares, doesn't everyone use Google Reader these days anyhow? If you don't, you should, it's the best thing since the Jesus Song (which I may or may not have watched 20+ times).

Lately I've been really trying to figure out who I want to be. Not just in theory but in practice. Jeremy made a comment a few weeks ago to me, suggesting that I was really rather insecure and didn't seem to know who I was. He went on to gently suggest that if I were to really figure out who I was and be confident in myself, he really felt that I could make a difference.

Um, was that supposed to be a compliment? "Honey, if you weren't so screwed up, you'd be awesome!" Well, I don't think that's what he really meant. As much as I tease my husband for not understanding women and how we think, I think he actually said something quite profound. Which is basically, that if I would just stop worrying what everyone else thought, and focus more on just living a life that is shamelessly following God, then maybe I could have some real impact.

The truth is, I worry about my hair, and my shoes, and saying the right things, and if anyone will notice that I wore the same outfit to church 2x in the same month. Oh, and that I didn't comb my kids hair, or my house isn't clean, etc. etc. Why? I'm not taking Paul's "be all things to all people" literally, I'm just living life based on others expectations and it can be exhausting.

So, now you know. I'm gonna try to stop doing things for you. Whoever you are. Maybe who I am in the inside will show up a little more, if I don't pay so much attention to who I am on the outside.

"Charm can mislead and beauty soon fades. The woman to be admired and praised is the woman who lives in the Fear-of-God."

Proverbs 31:30
The Message

Blessings,
C

apples and working moms

What better way to ring in the fall then to go apple picking? Today I packed up the kiddies while Jeremy was at work and met some friends at the apple orchard. There is nothing quite like fresh picked apples for an afternoon snack. So now I've just got to try to muster some energy to make some pie or apple crisp out of them so they don't go to waste. Seeing as I have about 10 loads of laundry to fold however, I'm not sure you will smell anything baking in my house for a while. Which brings me to my top 10 reasons why I wish I were a stay at home mom:

10. I can wear my pajamas all day.
9. I can take naps during nap time.
8. I won't wait until my husband tells me he is wearing yesterdays underwear to actually do laundry.
7. I might start cooking dinner.
6. I can say "Hi honey! How was work?"
5. I can teach my kids to say "Apple" instead of them learning it from Baby Einstein. no, seriously.
4. No whiny co-workers
3. I can join all those mommy groups that make stay-at-home moms just as busy as working moms.
2. I won't have to take days off for appointments, doctors, sick days, etc.
1. Did I mention that I can wear my pajamas all day?

So that's my list for now. I'm sure I will come up with a new one soon. In the meantime, I will continue to attempt to be superwoman and work fulltime while maintaing a semi-clean house, cooking every now and then, loving my babies, and keeping my hubby happy :).

Blessings,
C

neighbors

The other morning Jeremy and I were talking about how we could get more involved in our immediate community. Having lived in our current house for three years, we have developed a great group of friends through our church, but somehow don't know the people across the street. Actually, I met the daughter the other day at the grocery store and she recognized me as and we had a fun chat. Then later I realized that it was her little dog that has been sneaking through our fence to play with our dogs (we named him "widget"). But I don't really know them. I can tell you the daily activities of all my neighbors, who cares for their lawn the most, who walks their dogs, who has the most visitors, but I am embarrased to say I don't know most of their names. So this is what Jeremy and I were talking about: how to get to know our neighbors and be involved in our community in a way that we could have an impact.

So then yesterday I'm at this training update for work. It's through Cornell University and while there were a few of us from my agency, there were multiple agencies represented. Some people even came as far as NYC. So there was about 25 of us in all at the training, and as I get to talking to this other guy there I find out he lives in the same town as me. Then I find out he lives in the same neighborhood. And come to find out, he's about 6 houses down from mine on the adjacent street. Small world! I went home that day after giving my new neighbor a ride home from training, and was excited to tell Jeremy that we are one step closer to getting to know our community.

So...do you know your neighbors?

don't be mad

Jeremy always gets frustrated when he has to wait for me to come up to bed. This means two things.

1. I really do need to be more disciplined about getting to bed on time.
2. My husband is awesome because he insists that we go to bed at the same time. (Insert small throw up in mouth here because we are so cute ;)

So honey, don't be mad at me, I'm just really excited to put up some pictures from the summer. Soon I'll be putting up pictures of fall!!









We pretty much lived at the park and walked alot. It was great. Jada got braids, the boys got busier, it was fun.

Ok, headed to bed.

Blessings,
C

and a few things

I don't know about other bloggers, but some days I find myself wanting to write about everything under the sun. How hot and muggy the weather was yesterday, how tough it is getting three children to church on time by myself, how I love napping on Sunday afternoons, the waste-of-life movie I stayed up till 2am watching the other night, etc. So I suppose it's time for another bullet point blog highlighting stuff I want to blog more about but don't have the time. Enjoy.

Things I enjoyed this summer:
- Camping in Hopeville! (ok, I did blog about that one)
- Sitting by my moms rock garden with the spitting frog fountain
- Walks in Central Park, and the Concerts on Sunday nights
- Swimming with Jada in the pool
- Warm mornings

Latest books:
- "I became a Christian and all I got was this lousy T-shirt"
- "Mudhouse Sabbath" by Laura Winner
- "Dangerous Wonder" by Michael Yaconelli (reading in small group)

Current indulgence:
- McD's Sweet Ice Tea and Warm Chocolate Chip Cookies ($1 each!!)

On Budgeting:
- Envelopes aren't that bad
- Dollar menus are awesome
- You really don't need to spend as much as you do, really
- Craigslist is the budgeters heaven

On family:
- Twins are hilarious. Where else can you get constent entertainment for free? I mean, two kids don't fit on one high chair, or do they?
- I love little girls. Dresses, pink, braids, bows - you name it I love it.
- Husbands should make you laugh. Like last night when Jeremy got up out of bed to demonstrate the wrestling moves he pulled on some kids when he got in fights in elementary school. He had me laughing so hard I cried. My husband fighting? It's not what it sounds like, it's way funnier.
- Grandparents are amazing. They all seemed to turn 75 this year and I am so thankful to have them around to celebrate life with. Endless wells of knowledge and wisdom.

On blogging, my new favs:
- Ragamuffin Soul
- Stuff Christians Like

On the unknowns:
- I'm getting pretty use to not knowing what tommorrow holds, and am getting comfortable with it. It stretches your faith, and can be really exciting if you don't let it stress you out.

Welp, there it is. Everything I've wanted to blog but haven't. Except for pictures. I'll put some more up soon.

Blessings,
C

Still a thumb sucker

Today when I came home from work I felt the distinct cold chill of the impending fall season coming through my windows. For the first time in months I grabbed a sweater and some socks before settling in for the night. It was kinda exciting. Cool weather means apple orchards, hot apple cider and donuts, pumpkin patches and corn mazes. Oh how I love the change in seasons.

But it comes at a cost. I'm also quite nostalgic and can get lost in memories of seasons past. I feel like there has been a lifetime packed into this past year, and even this summer. Many joys, but also many sorrows.

We said Goodbye to Domieian one last time this past Saturday. He is moving down to Virginia area with his family to start fresh. I am so happy for them and am sure they will do well. But I cried almost the entire time at the train station before they left. This little boy that I raised for the first year and a half of his life was so big, and happy, and well adjusted. Oh, and he still sucks his thumb. I look forward to keeping in touch with his family, and although Jeremy and I may have been a passing memory for him, he will always be present in my heart and thoughts.

First day!

Comfy with Jeremy

Last Summer in Miami

At the Train Station (ignore my slicked back hair, we rushed out of the house to meet them at the station and I may or may not have showered yet and/or put on yesterdays clothes)

Blessings,
C

political rhetoric

Yep, I'd vote for her. Here's just a few reasons why:

She is passionate, articulate and inspiring.
She is outspoken about her faith and convictions.
She fights for the unborn.
She is a role model and mentor to young women.
She thinks outside the box.
She is not afraid to confront opposition and stand up for injustices.
She is nurturing and motherly.
She is relatable and down to earth.
She has been married for over 20 years and has strong family values.
She supported her 17 yr old daughters decision to keep her baby.
Her initials are SP.

And she is my mom, Susan Parker.

Who did you think I was talking about? ;)

back from camp

Saturday we returned from a family camping trip in Connecticut. It's amazing to me that I am now bringing my family to the same campground that I went to when I was a kid. And even more amazing that this is the same place that my grandmother took my mother to when she was little! As much as I love exploring new places, it's also comforting to go back to the same place year after year, and reflect on not only how much the campground itself has changed, but how we all have changed and grown over the years.

This year seemed to be the "baby explosion" year. Our campsites looked like a daycare came by and threw up all over the place. Babies and toys abounded. On the way home Jeremy and I laughed at ourselves for bringing our books and magazines. Our trip was anything but leisurely. We did manage to create a few fond memories however.

Here are some highlights:

night time convos

Welp, it happened again.

11:35pm in bed lights out

Me: Honey, you still awake?

Jeremy: (mumbling) uh, sorta

Me: Good, can I tell you real quick something that happened at work today? I totally forgot to tell you but it was really cool and I just lay here and think about all the conversations of my day, and anyway, can I tell you quick or are you too tired?

Jeremy: (faining interest) um, ok

Me: So today I was talking to a co-worker and ...(proceeds to tell story that I think is 1 minute but more like 5)...so anyway, I think I encouraged her to go to church, isn't that cool?

Jeremy: (no response)

Me: Honey?

Jeremy: oh yeah, that's great honey, ok goodnight.

Me: I know you're tired, I just get so excited about stuff at night (now talking to myself) and I don't have anyone to share it with, so anyways, goodnight! Thanks for listening.

I don't know what my deal is. I can't seem to go to bed at night, and I can't seem to wake up in the morning. I lay in bed, my mind racing as I process the thoughts of the day. It amazes me how quickly my husband falls asleep when he lays down. It's like there is a switch on his ear that goes "foink" the moment his head hits the pillow and it propels him into deep REM full snore sleep.

I on the other hand am left awake with my thoughts, or a book. And then in the morning when he wakes early to have some coffee and read, I am rearranging all bedding and pillows for optimum comfort and to strategically block out every possible ray of sun so as not to disturb my sleep.

Maybe one of these days we will get on the same schedule. In the meantime, I'll have a lot of stories to share on the internet - it stays up all night!

Blessings,
C

tips for the first 8

Yesterday Jeremy and I celebrated our 8 year anniversary. I was inspired by his recent blog on the subject and decided to add my own thoughts.

For some reason I am much more reflective this year than I have been on previous anniversarys. In fact, I don't really remember last years anniversary, or the year before, but this one really sticks out. I suppose it is in part due to the fact that we have recently lost several family members and life seems a little more precious, or perhaps it is simply because 8 seems really close to 10, which feels like a big year. Anyhow, here are my tips for your first 8 years of marriage.

Year 1 - Enjoy the making up after the fights, there will be many this year. Also find more mature couples to help you in your new journey!

Year 2 - Now that you've taken a break from yelling, start learning your love languages and practice!

Year 3 - If you are still trying to change your spouse, stop now! They need to know you love them for who they are, not who you want them to be.

Year 4 - Cut back on the things you've let slip into your schedule, and refocus on having fun together.

Year 5 - Start helping younger couples, you will learn alot and appreciate how far you have already come. Oh, and take a trip for this anniversary, it's an important milestone!

Year 6 - Communicate, Communicate, Communicate. Don't fall into complacency and not nurture your friendship.

Year 7 - Don't itch! You are doing great and should be! You've accomplished some great things together but have so much more to look forward to - keep dreaming together.

Year 8 - Reassess your goals. Maybe you're not where you want to be, but if you have been faithful to one another you are likely where God wants you to be :-)

Yep. That's it. Happy loving!

Rest

I remember swinging in a rope hammock in my Uncles old backyard during one of many family get-togethers. My eyes are closed and I'm not sleeping, but I know by keeping them shut I will be left alone to just swing and enjoy the breeze. One of my older relatives walks by and makes a comment about how cozy I must look and I know that for a moment my relatives admire my small 5 year old frame snuggled in the hammock, and reflect on the simplicity of childhood. I can hear younger siblings and cousins voices echo around me as they run in circles, laugh and play. I hear the many conversations of all the adults lingering about, conversations which I will listen to briefly before abandoning them in favor of my own thoughts. I can smell the fresh scent of summer, the aroma of newly cut grass mixed with the poignant odor of a fiery grill. And I am at rest.

I remember laying in my sleeping bag at Hopeville Pond under the thin veil of stretched nylon surrounding me on all sides. The rain dances above me in a rhythmic pattern as it drums the tent. I am fully awake, but the last to rise on this and many other mornings. I breath deeply the smell of rain as it breaks to let in the fresh blueberry pancakes on the grill and my mothers morning cup of coffee. Sounds echo through the tall pine trees sprinkled through the campground, and I can hear children already riding around on bikes, babies crying, and mothers yelling across campsites warning their children to not wander. If I could suppress my hunger and desire to seek out adventure, I could lay here all day.

Today I lay on the couch in my living room. It is still a little stiff, not quite broken in, but it is all I need to steal a few moments of rest. The moist air brushes past the white window curtains, tossing them gently aside. I hear cars passing by on the street, and my husband tinkering about, finishing his afternoon projects. I smell a familiar scent, one mixed with the memories of summers spent outdoors, and the comfort of being surrounded by family. The musical mobile hanging above Jada's crib lets out a few faint notes before ending it's song, and I fall into a deep slumber.

"Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly."
Matthew 11:29-30

j0n

This is one of those blogs that you know that at some point you have to write, just to get out the words, and the thoughts...if only for yourself.

I don't think I will ever forget the feeling I had when on our way back from visiting Jeremy's family in Miami my sister told me over the phone that she thought my cousin Jon had killed himself. I will never forget the terror in her voice as she tried to get the words out, through screaming frantic cries for me to help her know what to do. I won't forget the hour that I waited until I finally spoke with my anguished father in Jon's apartment and he confirmed the horrible news. I will not forget the following three hours that I spent weaping until we arrived at my mothers house and I could embrace Jon's mom, and my own mother and father.

I will never forget Jon.

He had a tough exterior, but underneath a soft and tender heart. He smoked like a chimney, drank like a sailor, cursed like a trucker and had a couple tattoes to boot. But no one that knew him was fooled by the toughness he portrayed. Jon loved his nieces and nephews and was so proud to be an uncle. His was insightful, reflective, and thoughtful of others. We spent many weekends with him, laughing, joking, and enjoying life. I recently wrote about one of our weekends at my uncle boos.

Here are some of my other favorite memories of Jon in picture form:

A few years ago we were watching my sister Erica's daughter Kaylee while she went on her honeymoon. Jon was living at my parents house at the time where Erica also lived with Kaylee. Needless to say, Kaylee had a special place in Jon's heart and so when she was staying at our house he surprised us at 7 am by coming over to make breakfast for her. When I say surprised, I mean he snuck in our house and I thought he was a burglar until I smelt eggs cooking :-) The next picture is him and Kaylee later that day. This is one of my favorite photos and it's on our fridge. I think he's talking to Erica on the phone.

This is at Hopeville Pond camping a few years ago. We had been bridge jumping and on the way back Sam and Jon where in one canoe and raced Jeremy and I in the other. This was the year of the "autoloader", a bonfire that fed itself firewood, and also the year that Jon and I jumped in the lake sometime after midnight with a huge fishing net trying to catch "Sphincter" the giant snapping turtle. Jon of course was wearing army boots while I jumped in barefoot. We might have caught him had I been wearing the appropriate footwear.

Jon saved a bunch of money by coming to Casa de Christi to get his haircuts. Whenever some time had past in between cuts, I always started with a mohawk. This is one of many mohawks :)

This is the last weekend we were all together at my parents house in April. Jon was having a blast coaxing my nephew Keller through the mudpuddles that littered my parents yard. We even have a video of him pushing Keller on the boogie board through the mud and my Grandfather commenting on how Jon will be the next Uncle Boo - my own adventurous crazy Uncle who coaxed us all to do wild things as we were growing up.

A few weeks ago, Jon's mom, Jeremy, Erica, Kaylee and myself visited Jon's grave in the national veterans cemetary in Saratoga. There was only a marker for his grave as the stone was not yet finished, and there was only sand over his and the other newly dug graves. Erica explained to Kaylee, who is only 3, as best she could that this was where Uncle Jonny is buried. We stayed for a while and admired the beauty of the cemetary, the green hills, the trees, the rows of American flags, and talked about Jon, and wondered what the stories where of the other veterans buried nearby.

As we were standing there, we noticed that Kaylee was crouching on the ground, and slowly stroking a few fingers through the fresh earth in a long line over Jon's grave. After a few moments Erica finally asked Kaylee what she was doing. Without looking up Kaylee answered "I'm trying to find Jonny." Then after a short pause "Mommy, can you help me dig?"

There wasn't much said after that. After basking in the beauty of the area, a young childs struggle to comprehend the death of a loved one brought us back to reality.

I've found that death seems to bring about alot more questions than it does answers. I won't really ever understand why despite all our love, Jon was still hurting so much that he decided to take his own life. I will never understand why this happened within the midst of Jeremy losing his own father. I will never understand.

But of this I am sure of...

God is still God. He is the God of the entire universe and is in control. He is with us when we cry, hurt and scream in anguish. He is ready to comfort us and hold us. And when the time is right, He is ready to give us the strength to continue on if we will only come to Him.

I'll leave you with the verse that I use time and time again, but having written it in the bible that Jeremy and I gave Jon that was found near his body, it holds new meaning to me.

"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full"
John 10:10

May you have life, and have it to the full.

<3
C

lazy sunday

It's Sunday afternoon and my house is quiet. Jeremy is in Miami for the weekend to speak at a church, and all three babies are sleeping...for now. Ignoring the mess around me from the morning rush to church, and also ignoring my strong desire for a nap, I am stealing a few minutes to myself to blog. Here's what's on my mind:

1. My heart is content. We went to Domieians 2nd birthday party last weekend. I can't believe he is two! He's gotten so big, and is as cute as ever. I wasn't sure I would ever recover from Dom leaving us in October. But time has a way of healing things, and over the months I am more thankful, and less sad. He definitely remembered Jeremy and I, and would run over to us and give us food, or point out objects he knew, and when we gave him a new truck he ran over to Jeremy and said "open!". It was so great to see him doing well with his family and we left with warm hearts.

2. Budgets aren't so bad. We've finally put ourselves on a strict budget and I like it. I feel so much more responsible and can't believe how much money we used to waste on things. Our church has just finished a series on stewardship - specifically on giving of your time, talents and treasures. All this budgeting has made me realize how much we all overspend, and how much we can cut back - even in the midst of a bad economy - and give more where it's needed. So yeah, it's fun acting like a responsible adult.

3. This is my life. Was reading through a friends facebook qoutes and stumbled upon this little gem that describes my life:

...but playing your music as loud as you want and coming home drunk aren't real life. Real life, it turns out, is diapers and lawnmowers, decks that need painting, a wife that needs to be listened to, kids that need to be taught right from wrong, a checkbook, an oil change, a sunset behind a mountiain, laughter at a kitchen table, too much wine, a chipped tooth, and a screaming child.

Donald Miller from "To Own A Dragon"

Welp, it has taken me a full 5 hours to finish this post in between getting babies up from naps, changing them, feeding them, bathtime, reading, and finally bed. Don't be surprised if I don't post again soon ;-)

self-worth

me: So did you know that Rick Warren is the Commencement speaker for Gordon College graduation this year?

jeremy: Huh, no way. Who was the speaker at your graduation?

me: I don't know, but I bought his book. Who was yours?

jeremy: Um, Marv something or other. Marv Albert.

me: Marv Albert?

jeremy: Yeah, you know, Marv Albert...DOCTOR Marv Albert.

me (laughing): Doctor Marv Albert? Don't you mean Marv Wilson? Who the heck is Marv Albert?

jeremy (cracking up): haha, a basketball commentator. Haha.

me (dying laughing): Yeah, I'm pretty sure he wasn't your commencement speaker.


I realized the other day that albeit for my husband and his affirming humor and all of our inside jokes, I am really quite a loser. I think we think each other is cool and somehow that is enough for both of us. It's nice to have someone that gets your jokes, and laughs even if they aren't funny, and thinks you are neat. For this I am thankful. No one else may get my worth, but as long as my husband values me, then somehow this sustains me daily.

I wish I were like this in my faith. I wish that I could really say that at the end of the day, as long as God affirms me, I am ok. Unfortunately I still concern myself with what others think - even my husband. Ah, to live to please no one other than the Creator. How freeing this must feel. It will be something I will constantly strive after, but never quite attain.

Welp, I am atleast thankful that while on this journey of messy spirituality I have people around me to encourage me and make me laugh. Even if it's at their own expense.

Doctor who?

March Madness

Jeremy asked me if I would be his guy friend tonight and watch the basketball game with him. I am reluctantly playing along and will soon eat wings and pretend I know what happened in the game when he jumps out of his seat and yells " OH MAN! NO HE DIDN'T!" This should be interesting. Not that I don't love sports, it's just hard to sit down and do anything these days without the urge to get work done since there is always something to do. Did I add that I am going to wear his clothes so I look more like a guy tonight? Haha, just think about it.

So here are all the things I would have blogged about recently but didn't:
- Welcomed Michael and Anthony's baby sister Jada into our home on February 26th! This makes 3 babies under 1 year old in our humble home, which is approximately 17 diaper changes a day, 15 bottles, and endless excitement.
- Had a birthday and am closer to 30. This is fun for me. 30 will be cool.
- Went to New Jersey for Easter and visited my little sister and her awesome family. Saw God at work in her life.
- I learned how to braid the boys hair and it looks sweet.
- Did I mention that I love Jada to death?
- Speaking of death, found a mouse in my washing machine...after I had washed the clothes.

That's a decent update for now.

Here are some happy photos of favorite little guys.





Blessings,
C

ocean view

This past weekend Jeremy, the boys and I headed to Connecticut to visit family for my Grandfathers birthday. This February trip has become an annual event that I always look forward to. I'm not sure if it's because it breaks up the time between Christmas and Easter, or if I just enjoy visiting my extended family that much. Whatever the case, I am always guaranteed to have a good time.

We stayed at my uncle and aunts house, who is an avid antique collector. I usually spend several hours of my stay looking through old books in his house or other random objects and am fascinated by the way people used to live. Anyhow, we thought we would hunt for some old objects of our own by the ocean with my uncles metal detector. Apparently some pirate used to bury treasure somewhere along the coast and so you can imagine the visions of riches we had. After searching for several hour and only coming up with bottle caps and broken pieces of metal. We finally found something of worth.

 

 

 

 

It was really cold that day but the boys didn't seem to mind all bundled up on our backs. Anthony ended up sleeping most of the time. Later on we met up with the rest of the family for one of my Grandfathers favorite activites - bowling! We reserved four lanes and had quite the afternoon. Not much of a bowler, I managed to score a 99 my first game. AND THEN - something inside kicked in and I started off my second game with four strikes in a row! I ended up with a 182, which must be a personal best. My grandfather still beat me, but I think I made him proud :-)

Welp, the rest of the weekend consisted of some horrible Quentin Tarantino movies (which we still managed to laugh at), plenty of snacks, and alot of ridiculous humor care of jonathan, jeremy and boo. Bummed to be back home, but excited because I will have another niece by this time tommorrow night! Yippee!

facelift of the interior kind

What a weekend. Our living room got a serious facelift. What started as an innocent trip to Lowe's turned into our very own edition of extreme home makeover.

I'll spare the major details, but the short of it is that I stole the colors from my mothers house, learned the glory of painting a fireplace, the rigor of painting ceiling beams, and realized that Huck Finns is awesome. Oh yeah, and I owe everything to my husband who actually did all the work ;-).

Here's the product:





I really wish we had a good before picture, but the walls were a funky grayish color, all the trim and ceiling beams were dark stained wood, and the fireplace was ugly brick. Here's a photo of one of our former foster children using Bandit as a horse, that gives you an idea though.



And just for fun, here's the scene I walked into one morning after I thought Joey was playing peacefully in the room. Or not.
P.S. Daiper Rash Cream does not come out of carpets.


Off to Connecticut next weekend! Will post pictures when we return :-)

late night reading

Last night I finished "Echo Park" by Michael Connelly.  I understand that this may not be the most riveting topic to write about after a several week absense from posting, but considering that I was only on page 30 something when I began reading at 8:30, and then finished the rest of the 457 page novel before going to bed is worth noting. 

 

I'm not quite sure what compelled me to do such a thing.  Around 10:15 Jeremy and I actually headed up to bead, did our devos, and then as Jeremy began watching Bob Ross masterfully paint his happy trees I continued reading my book.  This new book reading habit at night instead of watching TV was intended to help us go to bed earlier.  I tend to watch TV longer and so I thought reading would help me fall asleep better - not so. 

 

I mean, Harry Bosch (main character) had just started interviewing the the alleged murderer in an investigation that had haunted him for 13 years, and I knew there was a twist coming, so I just kept going.  Welp, I got through the entire book, heavy eyes and all.  I wish I could tell you what time I finally finished - 2, 3, 4 am?  But after a certain time at night I flip my clock over so I can't read it.  It's my way of mentally tricking myself into thinking that maybe I got more sleep than I really did.  For instance, maybe I am a speed reader and went to bed by 1am (doubtful) in which case I got a good 5 hours of sleep.  More likely I didn't go to bed till 2 or 3, and probably clocked a mere 3-4 hours of rest.  Mentally I like to think I slept 5 hours :-). 

 

Also of note was that at some point in the night Jeremy started laughing out loud in his sleep.  This happens often, but is particularly funny when I am awake to listen to it.   Sometimes he wakes up right away and tells me what was so funny that he was dreaming about, but I had to wait until the morning to hear the story this time - and yes, it was in fact funny.  

 

Well Michael Connelly, you have succeeded as an engaging author, but have failed to help me fall asleep on time.  I will need to move on to some lighter material tonight and am open to suggestions :-)