I don't think I will ever forget the feeling I had when on our way back from visiting Jeremy's family in Miami my sister told me over the phone that she thought my cousin Jon had killed himself. I will never forget the terror in her voice as she tried to get the words out, through screaming frantic cries for me to help her know what to do. I won't forget the hour that I waited until I finally spoke with my anguished father in Jon's apartment and he confirmed the horrible news. I will not forget the following three hours that I spent weaping until we arrived at my mothers house and I could embrace Jon's mom, and my own mother and father.
I will never forget Jon.
He had a tough exterior, but underneath a soft and tender heart. He smoked like a chimney, drank like a sailor, cursed like a trucker and had a couple tattoes to boot. But no one that knew him was fooled by the toughness he portrayed. Jon loved his nieces and nephews and was so proud to be an uncle. His was insightful, reflective, and thoughtful of others. We spent many weekends with him, laughing, joking, and enjoying life. I recently wrote about one of our weekends at my uncle boos.
Here are some of my other favorite memories of Jon in picture form:
A few years ago we were watching my sister Erica's daughter Kaylee while she went on her honeymoon. Jon was living at my parents house at the time where Erica also lived with Kaylee. Needless to say, Kaylee had a special place in Jon's heart and so when she was staying at our house he surprised us at 7 am by coming over to make breakfast for her. When I say surprised, I mean he snuck in our house and I thought he was a burglar until I smelt eggs cooking :-) The next picture is him and Kaylee later that day. This is one of my favorite photos and it's on our fridge. I think he's talking to Erica on the phone.
This is at Hopeville Pond camping a few years ago. We had been bridge jumping and on the way back Sam and Jon where in one canoe and raced Jeremy and I in the other. This was the year of the "autoloader", a bonfire that fed itself firewood, and also the year that Jon and I jumped in the lake sometime after midnight with a huge fishing net trying to catch "Sphincter" the giant snapping turtle. Jon of course was wearing army boots while I jumped in barefoot. We might have caught him had I been wearing the appropriate footwear.
Jon saved a bunch of money by coming to Casa de Christi to get his haircuts. Whenever some time had past in between cuts, I always started with a mohawk. This is one of many mohawks :)
This is the last weekend we were all together at my parents house in April. Jon was having a blast coaxing my nephew Keller through the mudpuddles that littered my parents yard. We even have a video of him pushing Keller on the boogie board through the mud and my Grandfather commenting on how Jon will be the next Uncle Boo - my own adventurous crazy Uncle who coaxed us all to do wild things as we were growing up.
A few weeks ago, Jon's mom, Jeremy, Erica, Kaylee and myself visited Jon's grave in the national veterans cemetary in Saratoga. There was only a marker for his grave as the stone was not yet finished, and there was only sand over his and the other newly dug graves. Erica explained to Kaylee, who is only 3, as best she could that this was where Uncle Jonny is buried. We stayed for a while and admired the beauty of the cemetary, the green hills, the trees, the rows of American flags, and talked about Jon, and wondered what the stories where of the other veterans buried nearby.
As we were standing there, we noticed that Kaylee was crouching on the ground, and slowly stroking a few fingers through the fresh earth in a long line over Jon's grave. After a few moments Erica finally asked Kaylee what she was doing. Without looking up Kaylee answered "I'm trying to find Jonny." Then after a short pause "Mommy, can you help me dig?"
There wasn't much said after that. After basking in the beauty of the area, a young childs struggle to comprehend the death of a loved one brought us back to reality.
I've found that death seems to bring about alot more questions than it does answers. I won't really ever understand why despite all our love, Jon was still hurting so much that he decided to take his own life. I will never understand why this happened within the midst of Jeremy losing his own father. I will never understand.
But of this I am sure of...
God is still God. He is the God of the entire universe and is in control. He is with us when we cry, hurt and scream in anguish. He is ready to comfort us and hold us. And when the time is right, He is ready to give us the strength to continue on if we will only come to Him.
I'll leave you with the verse that I use time and time again, but having written it in the bible that Jeremy and I gave Jon that was found near his body, it holds new meaning to me.
"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full"
John 10:10
May you have life, and have it to the full.
<3
C
