Doxa shirts, sunday nights, and faith.

A few things that have been going on.

1. Doxa Church is officially meeting! We've started meeting with a few other couples that are committed to seeing Doxa become a new community of believers in this area. VERY exciting. We've even got new shirts to match thanks to one awesome Doug. Can't wait to see where this all leads.

2. Sunday nights are not as stressful as they used to be. I used to dread Sunday nights because it meant a new work week. Now I'm just like "oh hey, I get to stay home tomorrow with the kids. I wonder where we can go?!" Maybe someday I'll get tired of the routine of playdates, library time, park etc. But I'm not even close!

3. Having faith. There's been a few things lately that have caused me anxiety in the midst of all the great stuff going on. Not the least of which is the future of our family. Every few weeks I agonize over the possibility that these three children that I've raised since birth in foster care may be returned to their birth parents. I have no control over the outcome of this situation and that is especially hard for me. I have to remind myself that God loves these children more than I ever could and that He is looking out for their best interests, even when the County isn't.

That's the short list!

Act 1.

Lately I've felt like everything has been building up to some climactic (or anti) moment where my life will actually begin. As if everything has been a dress rehearsal and stage setting for that moment when the curtain is drawn and the play begins.

It's so ironic that we spend our first 20 years waiting for adulthood, and then once we reach our 20's we spend the next 10 years wondering, "now what"? I'm finally at the point where I feel like everything has been building to this pivotal moment where life really begins. Of course there have been many milestones along the way that I thought would be the final breakthrough. Getting my ears pierced when I was 10, hitting the teen years, getting my license, graduating high school and college, reaching the legal drinking age, getting married, moving to Miami, moving back to Boston then NY, being a mom! Now that I've sorta maxed out the milestones, I think for a little while I was stuck in the "now what"? I know I'm not the only 20 something stuck in this pre-middle-age daze. In fact, I can't believe how many people in their 20's are still wandering around looking for purpose. I guess I just don't want to be that person anymore.

I've laid awake the past couple weeks, wondering, dreaming, imagining what lies ahead for us. Jeremy and I have reduced the clutter in our lives to a very specific vision, and it's very liberating having a single focus and purpose. For me, it's being a Godly wife and mom. I can't tell you how excited I am to meet this head on. Having juggled family life and a career for the past three years has been daunting. Being free to invest fully in being a devoted wife and mom is no small thing for me.

For Jeremy, it's starting a new church in our area. This single focus has been a long time coming for him and has not been devoid of many struggles, misdirections, and sleepless nights. Looking back, we can see how God has slowly been crafting this passion and vision in him all along, but was waiting for the right circumstances and timing to manifest. Wow, it's been a journey to get here!

We've had our fair share of warnings as we embark on these new journeys. Ironic, considering the alternative, which is no alternative but rather the same aimless wandering - but nonetheless, there are always those that may caution of the new obstacles or struggles you will face once you are actually focused on a goal. What's amazing is that when God so strongly gives you a vision for what he wants from you and what your purpose is, there is really little that the world can do to distract you from this calling. And when it does, we can only pray that some of you are there to encourage us to "stay the course"!

Welcome to Act 1 of My Life.

STAYING HOME!

I've resigned from my awesome job as a case manager to stay at home with the kids and I couldn't be more excited.  I've really enjoyed working with at-risk youth, especially girls, but my mommy guilt is overwhelming as I come home and wonder what little milestone I missed with the kids that day.  Not to mention that Jer and I are planting a church in our area, and this will help bring a much needed stability to our home life to more effectively minister to others and build up this new community of believers.      

 

This hasn't been any easy decision and we've done some tricky budgeting to make it happen, but there are many little luxuries that I will gladly sacrifice to be able to spend more time with my family.  I won't rule out working part time at some point, but right now I feel the call of the wide open road, with limitless possibilities, and the freedom from the constraints of being a working mom. 

 

Maybe now I will actually blog more?

 

 

 

 

 

 

do it with a heart wide open

Certain songs have a way of ingraining themselves in my mind and forever tying me to a certain time, event or circumstance in life.  A few chords can bring back a flood of vivid memories, emotions, and thoughts as if I were reliving everything in real time.  Sometimes this experience can be joyful and exhilarating.  Othertimes...well, it can be almost unbearable.   

 

This song brings me back to a year ago.  Miss you Jonny.  Love you Pops. 

 

Take all of your wasted honor
Every little past frustration
Take all of your so-called problems
Better put them in quotations

Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say

Walking like a one man army
Fighting with the shadows in your head
Living out the same old moment
Knowing you'd be better off instead
If you could only

Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say

Have no fear for giving in
Have no fear for giving over
You better know that in the end
It's better to say too much
Than never to say what you need to say again

Even if your hands are shaking
And your faith is broken
Even as the eyes are closing
Do it with a heart wide open

Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say

 

John Mayer

 

 

 

sovereignty.

The other night I got into a great debate with my super theological husband. This is of course silly for me to do simply because the possibility of a)ending up in an argument and b)sounding like a blatherskite, loom heavy for me over every discussion I dare get into. Nevertheless, I seem to like to pick fights even if I don't know what I'm talking about.

So I tell Jeremy that although I believe that ultimately God is sovereign over everything, I have a hard time buying it when I see how horrible people can be to one another. I mean, why would God allow people to kill one another if he could ultimately stop it? Eventually Jeremy got to the point where he asked if I'd rather not have free will. And I said "Yes". Yes, I would rather have no free will and walk around HAVING to be good if it meant that sin would never exist and people would never be hurt. To which Jeremy replied all too enthusiastically "Good! That's exactly what a Christian does! You surrender your will for Gods".

What the heck? Did I walk into some trap?! I started laughing partly because I had succeeded in getting him all riled up (he was actually standing up all animated while I was laying in bed) and also because he'd outwitted me and I had no retort. But of course I've been thinking about it ever since.

Then I read this blog today from Matt Miller at TerraNova who recently visited Toul Sleng Genocide Museum in Phnom Penh Cambodia, and it reminded me of our conversation. As I read his words, his description of the horrible things that happened in this place that he visited, the heaviness returned to my heart the same as it has in my conversation with Jeremy, though this time, it wasn't an imaginary act of evil that I was using for the sake of debate - it was real. And his response has more faith than I can sometimes muster in the face of such uncertainty.

"On the top floor of “Building 4″, they were showing a documentary about the genocide and I sat in the oppressive heat and watched until I felt light headed and claustrophobic. I heard the rumble of thunder outside and moved to the balcony as dark clouds rolled in. Soon other tourists filtered out onto the balcony to watch the storm. Jagged bolts lit up the sky and thunder cracked and rain poured down in magnificent sheets of water. I would be suspicious of any Christian who could walk through this place without deep doubt creeping into heart and soul. How do you reconcile this horrible place with an almighty, sovereign, and loving God? All the rain in the world could not make this place clean. The best I can do is to watch the lighting and hear the thunder and feel the rain on my face and take it as a reminder that He is present now and He was present then … even if at this moment, this place is beyond my own ability to reconcile."

dating.

One of the greatest reliefs of being married is that the whole "dating" thing is over.  No more wondering, "where is this relationship going?", no more forced RDT's (relationship defining talks), no more blank stares wondering "what is he thinking about?", or over-analyzing EVERY single detail of a night with my girlfriends and trying to use our crazy woman powers to interpret every little word, movement, breath to see if his affections match my own.  I've got my man, and he's got me - forever!
 
But, there comes a time - which likely coincides with little feet invading your home - that you have to relearn to date your spouse.  You have to remember what is was about that person that made you fall so madly in love with them in the first place, and you have to do all those little things for them that you used to do so easily.  You have to relearn for him, and for yourself. 
 
So Jer and I are finally dating again!  And it's long overdue.  We've spent plenty of date nights home together, but somehow the unfolded laundry or a restless toddler finds a way to crowd the couch we should be curling up in together.  So we are going out, sans children, and trying to learn how to date each other again.  There are no blank stares, or wondering what the other person is thinking, but there is a lot of cutting through the stress that life has piled up in your life and getting to the root of what made you drawn to each other in the first place.
 
Thankfully, it's still easy for us.  It took us about a 1/2 hour reconnect and tackle unresolved tensions between us, but before long we were back to ourselves, talking freely and enjoying one another without any outside demands or distractions.  We enjoyed a long dinner and I managed to score a free beer!  We talked so long we missed the early movie we were going to, but neither of us really cared in the end.
 
I'm so thankful that God has not designed us to do life alone.
 
Oh, and that we have friends crazy enough to take in our 3 babies under 2 for a night. :)
 

someday!

Someday I will...

- post regularly
- wake up before hitting my "snooze" three times
- write my biography
- finish our bathroom
- be less self-critical
- learn to love unconditionally
- be as patient with Jeremy as he is with me!
- take my kids hiking up Mt. Washington
- show them how to jump off a bridge without getting an enema
- travel to Tanzania to meet our Compassion Child James Elibariki Nnko!
- Sky dive?
- Learn Italian so I can travel to Italy (ciao bella!)
- take care of my parents to make up for my teen years :)

That's the short list...

More to come I'm sure.

loving when you don't want to

I'll go ahead and get the things I have no trouble loving out of the way, because that's the fun stuff:

 

• Jeremy.  Obviously I have to list my husband, but I really think he is truly my soul mate.  I feel like it's been so easy loving him these past 9 years and it's hard to remember my life before him.  It's the little stuff: making me coffee everyday, turning over in the middle of the night and putting his arm over me, the ease of our many conversations throughout the day, how gentle he is as a father, silly jokes that only I get, and playing with my hair when we sit together. 
• My three munchkins.  Oh how easy it is to love M, A, and J.  I have only ever had foster children, but having had these children from birth, I now have no doubt that I love them as much as I would if they were my own biological children.  If you doubt me, become a foster parent! You'll see :)
• My family.  I know we all like to brag on our families as being the greatest, but I'm sorry, I win.  But seriously, I love how tightknit mine and my husbands families are, and consider ourselves uniquely blessed to have such great relationships and support. 
• Friends.  It's so true, that good friends are hard to find.  We've got just a handful of people from here to Miami that have loved us through thick and thin, laughed with us, prayed with us, and continue to be a foundation in our lives. 
• God.  Saved the best for last.  It's easy to love the creator of all things, well...most of the time.  Unless things are not going well and I find myself saying, "really?  you can't just fix that for me this once?"  How selfish I am!

 

On to the hard stuff.  I don't have any insightful commentary on loving your enemies.  I really wish I did because I need it right now.  I really feel God telling me to show love and kindness to those who have wronged me in some way shape or form, but it's really just not that easy.  So, I rely on the words of Martin Luther King, Jr. taken from one of his sermons back in 1957.  Now, HERE is a man, that knows the meaning of love. 

 

Now there is a final reason I think that Jesus says, "Love your enemies." It is this: that love has within it a redemptive power. And there is a power there that eventually transforms individuals. That's why Jesus says, "Love your enemies." Because if you hate your enemies, you have no way to redeem and to transform your enemies. But if you love your enemies, you will discover that at the very root of love is the power of redemption. You just keep loving people and keep loving them, even though they're mistreating you. Here's the person who is a neighbor, and this person is doing something wrong to you and all of that. Just keep being friendly to that person. Keep loving them. Don't do anything to embarrass them. Just keep loving them, and they can't stand it too long. Oh, they react in many ways in the beginning. They react with bitterness because they're mad because you love them like that. They react with guilt feelings, and sometimes they'll hate you a little more at that transition period, but just keep loving them. And by the power of your love they will break down under the load. That's love, you see. It is redemptive, and this is why Jesus says love. There's something about love that builds up and is creative. There is something about hate that tears down and is destructive. So love your enemies.

 

Feel free to read the full transcript here. 

 

 

truth of the day: "I don't know what I'm doing"

It has finally happened.  Or maybe it did months ago and I was too proud too acknowledge it. 

 

All my experience from babysitting, nannying, etc. has finally run out and I am realizing that in fact I don't know what I'm doing afterall.  Watching someone else's children 20+ hours a week may give you a great headstart to parenting, but it's just not the same as being with a child 24-7, or three for that matter!  Why the sudden questioning of my own awesome parenting?  Oh, I don't know, maybe it was the nightmare hours between dinner and bed last night, the random tantrums, throwing things, stealing toys and pinching.  Maybe it's just that I think children deserve all our love and energy because God gave us this awesome priviledge of raising them for a brief time and we shouldn't take it for granted. 

 

Bring on the parenting books!  Yep, I'm doing it.  I'm delving into some Christian parenting books, determined to not look back years down the road and think "If only I had known that then!".

 

So, help me out.  I've got a short list, but I'm open to suggestions! 

mommy adventures: sunday school edition

Ok, so our kids are finally adjusting to the Sunday School drop off, but sometimes our church going experience reads more like an adventure novel than a soul renewing worship experience. 

 

Take a few weeks ago for example:

 

We decided to go to the Saturday evening service at Grace Fellowship because a friend of mine was singing and on Sunday we were going to Christ Church because Jeremy was playing (double points for church twice?!).  Anyhow, it all starts after nap time around 4pm.  As if waking them all, dressing them, giving them bottles and changing diapers wasn't enough to accomplish in a half hour, add to it that every single one of them likes to messy their diaper AFTER they are fully dressed with coats and shoes and ready to head out the door.  Anyone else with me on this one?

 

So after changing six diapers, we finally race out the door to beat THE CLOCK.  Yes, the clock.  Why?  Because exactly 15 minutes after service starts, at 5:15pm, the doors to the nursery are locked, and our church going experience turns into us trying to catch Rex's message on the screens in the lobby inbetween chasing kids and feeding hungry mouths.  Not fun, we've tried :).  Thankfully, on this occasion we pull into the parking lot and notice that the little light on the door is still GREEN!  That means go!  Dodging churchgoers in the parking lot, we screatch to a halt in front of the doors and I quickly prop it open with one foot while waiting for Jeremy to hand me babies one by one.  As I'm propping, a lovely volunteer comes to the door, locks it, but lets me remain there propping it as we unload our tiny entourage. 

 

So we get in, drop the kids off to their respective classes with minimal fuss, and head into the service.  Now this is where it gets exciting.  All parents get these little sign in stickers that match the kids you dropped off, mine end in 46, 47, and 48.  The mission is to NOT see your little number flash on the big screen indicating that one of your children is screaming so loud the choir can hear them.  Crossing my fingers I stuff the little stickers in my pocket and hope for the best.  I think we made it through about 10 minutes before I see the first number.  I dash back through the sanctuary with that guilty/embarrased nod of "yes, that is my number up there" and darn, Jada just wasnt' having it in the nursery.  So I pick her up, and bring her into the service with a large amount of random chew things, straws, cups, etc.  Ten minutes later, another number flashes,  so I hand off Jada to Jeremy, do the embarrased/guilty dash again, which is doubled because this number is ALSO mine,and run out to pick up Michael, who apparently never settled down from the initial drop off but they were holding out hope.  We now have two toddlers in the service with us, ripping up bulletins and chucking straws.  I expend so much energy into entertaining them so they don't become the loud kid, that I pretty much miss the entire message.  

 

But hey, two out of three, not too bad!

 

P.S.  Special thanks to all the nursery volunteers that love on our little guys every week - you are the best!

 

 

Update from Jer

Jeremy posted an update on our church planting on his blog. Check it out!

Enjoy the weekend!

church planting!

So we are diving head first into this church planting thing, whether we know what we are getting ourselves into or not is still unclear, but imagine my excitement when one of my favorite bloggers, featured a list of do's and don'ts on church planting today!  Also psyched that they name dropped a guy we actually know, who I won't name drop here because I refuse to be like that :)   But as if that wasn't enough, Pastor Rex is ALSO doing a feature on HIS blog about church planting!  My state of joy almost matches what it did earlier this week when some potentially huge doors may have opened for us as far as church planting goes - more on that later. 

 

Without further ado, here's are some highlights from Katdish, who wrote a guest post for my favorite blog:

 

So, why should you be part of a church plant? My simple answer is that you have exhausted every other option and prayed about it A LOT. If you're still up for it, then brace yourself. If you don't come by humility naturally (like I do), God will humble you like the 360 degree mirror on "What Not to Wear" (with Clinton and Stacey in the background as your accountability partners).

So, what are some dos and don'ts I can share with you based upon my vast year and a half experience with church planting? I've got roughly 197, but I'll try to keep it brief:

Do choose a pastor that has an absolutely sound, biblically based theology and a Christ-like attitude. If, say your pastor (we'll call him Steve) would like to name the church "TheHolyandDivineSpiritualHouseofStevePointe," he may lack the necessary humility to pull off leading a successful church plant. (Especially if his last name happens to be Pointe.)

Don't get bogged down with things that are more about tradition and personal preference such as using a worship eagle as opposed to an interpretive pop and lock dance set to Toby Mac's "Feelin' So Fly". Keep the main thing the main thing, but don't sweat the small stuff.

Do have a plan and a timeline for at least the first two years of your church. If you are receiving support from outside backers and other churches, it really bugs them when you say stuff like, "Que sera sera, Whatever will be will be", and then make a sweeping, full body twirl whist holding a flowing scarf in your hand. (Yeah, they really hate it when you do that.)

 Read the rest at http://stufffchristianslike.blogspot.com

 

Ah, so there you have it.  If you haven't caught the church planting bug, you should. 

 

 

the shadow of His hand

I'm at work right now but my mind is at home with my patient husband and three fussy babies.  Days like this it's hard to be here, because the whole time I am thinking that I should be the one home with them and he should be out changing the world.  I literally walked out the door and left him behind with three screaming children.  He is so patient with them and trusts that this arrangement is only temporary, but it still breaks me sometimes.  I work because for now it is how we support our family, but we have a vision for Jeremy returning to ministry full time at which point I will then be home (atleast part time).  Until this vision is realized however, at times it feels like we are in a shadow of darkness. 

 

Oswald Chambers describes it like this :

 

"Whenever God gives a vision to a Christian, it is as if He puts him in "the shadow of His hand" (Isaiah 49:2). The saint's duty is to be still and listen. There is a "darkness" that comes from too much light-that is the time to listen...When God gives you a vision and darkness follows, wait. God will bring the vision He has given you to reality in your life if you will wait on His timing." Read the full text here. 

 

I love how Isaiah 49:2 puts it!

 

 2 He made my mouth like a sharpened sword,
       in the shadow of his hand he hid me;
       he made me into a polished arrow
       and concealed me in his quiver.

 

It's as if we are getting impatient and wondering when God will finally use us for this thing He has created us for, and all the while God has been grinding out the imperfections and waiting for the perfect moment to bring us into battle.

 

Welp, Jeremy just called, and there are not crying babies in the background, and he is coming to my work to bring me clothes for a Yoga class I forgot I was taking, and he sounds like he is in a good mood.  So that is nice.  Maybe I can go ahead and get back to work now. 

life sucks jesus saves

There is this little old white nightstand that used to sit by my bed when I was younger. It had this neat V-shaped shelve in the middle of it that held my current favorite books, probably something by Beverly Cleary or else those Twin Valley High books that were so awesome back then.

During one of my pre-teen fits of self-despair, and probably after a boy I hardly knew dumped me for some other girl, I remember scribbling something on this little dresser with my nail polish. I remember it because it stayed there for years, and maybe even to this day if I knew where it ended up. It said "Life Sucks".

That's not the first time I felt this way, and not the last. I think I've learned to phrase it better, or sugar coat it with thought provoking words of wisdom and insight, but the truth of it still stings. No matter what we do, no matter how we phrase it, sometimes things will just be bad. Life will suck the energy out of you and you will feel like you are stranded in the sweltering waves of a hot desert, your mouth crack and dry, your body aching and fatigued, weary and yearning for relief.

But there is hope.

Jeremy and I are starting a new journey this year, one that may or may not bear fruit, but we are trusting in God and praying that He's with us no matter the outcome.

We'd love for you to join us on this journey.
www. lifesucksjesussaves.com