cats, cliffs, and hope.

Jeremy and I walked into the pet store determined to adopt and bring home a kitten. We had owned cats in the past and remembering their loving and playful nature we decided it would fill our otherwise empty home with a little joy.

Two weeks earlier the three children that we had raised since birth through foster care and were hoping to adopt were returned to one of their parents. Although we had months to mentally prepare for their departure, every step through our now empty home was a reminder of the laughter and joy that echoed through its walls for the past three years. Beds were untouched and toys stood still, laundry was left undone. We tried to do everything to avoid being home; hiking in the Adirondacks, target shooting in Tennessee, visiting family in Miami, but eventually ran out of places to go. While Jeremy tried to focus on work, I spent most of my time in the family room, unable to walk throughout the house without being reminded of the children. Nights were worse. I would try to stay up as late as possible to avoid facing the sorrow that hit me while I lay in bed waiting for sleep to overtake my thoughts. We prayed alot together during this time, studied Scripture, read books, and had long discussions on how to begin our life again.

Deciding to adopt a kitten was a pleasant distraction from our quiet house and new empty routine. A cat was something I could nurture, and love, and be a mother to. We headed out to the pet shop that night, feeling hopeful of our future, and excitedly chattering about what kind of kitten we would bring home. Once there, I started to watch three kittens roll around playfully with one another while Jeremy began filling out the paperwork to adopt. We were both stupidly excited. I waited impatiently as the woman read through our papers for what seemed like forever. After conferring with a colleague, she walked over to us with an unpromising look, and told us we could not adopt a cat. The paperwork had asked if we would ever let the kitten outdoors and Jeremy had written "maybe on a leash". Despite my insistence that we would adhere to their "no outdoors" policy, it was too late. Hopes dashed, it was all I could do to drag Jeremy out of the store before I burst into tears. We had failed at adopting children, and now we couldn't even adopt a CAT!

In the car, I fiercely scolded my unsuspecting husband through a torrent of sobbing. The rejection was overwhelming. Not because of a cat, but because of what it signified - loss. Loss of children, loss of dreams, loss of hope. Jeremy was as angry as I was. We sat in the car and when I prompted him to drive, he said he was so angry he might drive off a cliff. I told him to go for it.

We sat for another 10 minutes or so in silence. Slowly we drove away, and began to piece back together our hopes and dreams. Over the next few days we reminded one another of Gods promises. Not that we will never have struggles in this life, but that He will give us the strength to walk through them. We were reminded of others throughout the world that were suffering immeasurably more than we were - families whose children had died or were dying, families dealing with chronic illness, people without so much as a home over their heads or food on their table. It opened our hearts to so many that suffer without the hope of eternity. It gave us a new perspective. A perspective that was not dependant on what we have in life, but how we respond to life.

Through nothing short of a miracle, the following week all three children returned to our care. Our home is once again filled with laughter, running, singing, bickering, diapers, sippy cups, and all the wonders three toddlers bring. I will never forget all the lessons we learned while they were gone. What was only a few weeks felt like an eternity. We don't know what the future will hold for our family - I don't think anyone ever really does. But I am thankful for the assurance that God will give us the strength to walk through it, and for every new day I have with these precious children.

And btw, a special thanks to the lady that rejected us for the cat. Three kids is enough for now :)

Doxa shirts, sunday nights, and faith.

A few things that have been going on.

1. Doxa Church is officially meeting! We've started meeting with a few other couples that are committed to seeing Doxa become a new community of believers in this area. VERY exciting. We've even got new shirts to match thanks to one awesome Doug. Can't wait to see where this all leads.

2. Sunday nights are not as stressful as they used to be. I used to dread Sunday nights because it meant a new work week. Now I'm just like "oh hey, I get to stay home tomorrow with the kids. I wonder where we can go?!" Maybe someday I'll get tired of the routine of playdates, library time, park etc. But I'm not even close!

3. Having faith. There's been a few things lately that have caused me anxiety in the midst of all the great stuff going on. Not the least of which is the future of our family. Every few weeks I agonize over the possibility that these three children that I've raised since birth in foster care may be returned to their birth parents. I have no control over the outcome of this situation and that is especially hard for me. I have to remind myself that God loves these children more than I ever could and that He is looking out for their best interests, even when the County isn't.

That's the short list!

Act 1.

Lately I've felt like everything has been building up to some climactic (or anti) moment where my life will actually begin. As if everything has been a dress rehearsal and stage setting for that moment when the curtain is drawn and the play begins.

It's so ironic that we spend our first 20 years waiting for adulthood, and then once we reach our 20's we spend the next 10 years wondering, "now what"? I'm finally at the point where I feel like everything has been building to this pivotal moment where life really begins. Of course there have been many milestones along the way that I thought would be the final breakthrough. Getting my ears pierced when I was 10, hitting the teen years, getting my license, graduating high school and college, reaching the legal drinking age, getting married, moving to Miami, moving back to Boston then NY, being a mom! Now that I've sorta maxed out the milestones, I think for a little while I was stuck in the "now what"? I know I'm not the only 20 something stuck in this pre-middle-age daze. In fact, I can't believe how many people in their 20's are still wandering around looking for purpose. I guess I just don't want to be that person anymore.

I've laid awake the past couple weeks, wondering, dreaming, imagining what lies ahead for us. Jeremy and I have reduced the clutter in our lives to a very specific vision, and it's very liberating having a single focus and purpose. For me, it's being a Godly wife and mom. I can't tell you how excited I am to meet this head on. Having juggled family life and a career for the past three years has been daunting. Being free to invest fully in being a devoted wife and mom is no small thing for me.

For Jeremy, it's starting a new church in our area. This single focus has been a long time coming for him and has not been devoid of many struggles, misdirections, and sleepless nights. Looking back, we can see how God has slowly been crafting this passion and vision in him all along, but was waiting for the right circumstances and timing to manifest. Wow, it's been a journey to get here!

We've had our fair share of warnings as we embark on these new journeys. Ironic, considering the alternative, which is no alternative but rather the same aimless wandering - but nonetheless, there are always those that may caution of the new obstacles or struggles you will face once you are actually focused on a goal. What's amazing is that when God so strongly gives you a vision for what he wants from you and what your purpose is, there is really little that the world can do to distract you from this calling. And when it does, we can only pray that some of you are there to encourage us to "stay the course"!

Welcome to Act 1 of My Life.

apples and working moms

What better way to ring in the fall then to go apple picking? Today I packed up the kiddies while Jeremy was at work and met some friends at the apple orchard. There is nothing quite like fresh picked apples for an afternoon snack. So now I've just got to try to muster some energy to make some pie or apple crisp out of them so they don't go to waste. Seeing as I have about 10 loads of laundry to fold however, I'm not sure you will smell anything baking in my house for a while. Which brings me to my top 10 reasons why I wish I were a stay at home mom:

10. I can wear my pajamas all day.
9. I can take naps during nap time.
8. I won't wait until my husband tells me he is wearing yesterdays underwear to actually do laundry.
7. I might start cooking dinner.
6. I can say "Hi honey! How was work?"
5. I can teach my kids to say "Apple" instead of them learning it from Baby Einstein. no, seriously.
4. No whiny co-workers
3. I can join all those mommy groups that make stay-at-home moms just as busy as working moms.
2. I won't have to take days off for appointments, doctors, sick days, etc.
1. Did I mention that I can wear my pajamas all day?

So that's my list for now. I'm sure I will come up with a new one soon. In the meantime, I will continue to attempt to be superwoman and work fulltime while maintaing a semi-clean house, cooking every now and then, loving my babies, and keeping my hubby happy :).

Blessings,
C

don't be mad

Jeremy always gets frustrated when he has to wait for me to come up to bed. This means two things.

1. I really do need to be more disciplined about getting to bed on time.
2. My husband is awesome because he insists that we go to bed at the same time. (Insert small throw up in mouth here because we are so cute ;)

So honey, don't be mad at me, I'm just really excited to put up some pictures from the summer. Soon I'll be putting up pictures of fall!!









We pretty much lived at the park and walked alot. It was great. Jada got braids, the boys got busier, it was fun.

Ok, headed to bed.

Blessings,
C

Still a thumb sucker

Today when I came home from work I felt the distinct cold chill of the impending fall season coming through my windows. For the first time in months I grabbed a sweater and some socks before settling in for the night. It was kinda exciting. Cool weather means apple orchards, hot apple cider and donuts, pumpkin patches and corn mazes. Oh how I love the change in seasons.

But it comes at a cost. I'm also quite nostalgic and can get lost in memories of seasons past. I feel like there has been a lifetime packed into this past year, and even this summer. Many joys, but also many sorrows.

We said Goodbye to Domieian one last time this past Saturday. He is moving down to Virginia area with his family to start fresh. I am so happy for them and am sure they will do well. But I cried almost the entire time at the train station before they left. This little boy that I raised for the first year and a half of his life was so big, and happy, and well adjusted. Oh, and he still sucks his thumb. I look forward to keeping in touch with his family, and although Jeremy and I may have been a passing memory for him, he will always be present in my heart and thoughts.

First day!

Comfy with Jeremy

Last Summer in Miami

At the Train Station (ignore my slicked back hair, we rushed out of the house to meet them at the station and I may or may not have showered yet and/or put on yesterdays clothes)

Blessings,
C

best christmas gift

I have called Domieians birth father and step mother almost weekly since he transitioned home to live with them in early October to see how things are going. They always answer my calls, and are always willing to give me the latest update on Dom and what new thing he has learned. It is always calming to speak with them, and hear him babbling in the background.

We haven't seen Domieian since he left, and though I have had dreams of visiting him, his new family was not ready for us to come see him yet for fear that he would be confused. Last Thursday when I called for an update, I finally heard those words: "We are ready for you and Jeremy to visit Domieian". Oh if I could describe the anxiety, joy, fear, and anticipation that I experienced all in that one moment. My stomach knotted up, and I had that funny little ball in my throat that you get right before start crying, and I began thinking of what gifts I would bring for him, what he would look like, and if he would remember us?

Thursday night Jeremy and I faced the crowds to go shopping to buy Christmas gifts for Domieian. I was so nervous as I tried to make sure to get the right size clothes, and pick out a perfect toy he would like. Wow, is this what parents go through every year?? I can't believe how nervous I was that I would get the wrong thing! A new outfit, Nike shoes, and a toy truck later, we left the mall feeling successful.

On Friday Jeremy and I packed up the twins and set out to visit Dom in his new home. We were warmly greeted by his new stepmother and she welcomed us into the family room where Dom had just fallen asleep on the couch. He looked taller, and very peaceful. When she woke him, he seemed a little confused at first, but sat on my lap without a fuss, and didn't seem to mind as I carefully looked him over, stroked his hair, stretched out his fingers, and held him close. He didn't sit long before he noticed his gifts and intently pulled them onto the couch and began tearing them open. In true toddler fashion he gave great attention to every shred of wrapping paper, and as soon as he had ripped a piece off, he ran to the kitchen to throw it away. When he opened his new shoes, he took them out of the box and brought them to his stepmother and at that moment it was clear to me that he has made a successfull transition into his new home, and has built a healthy and trusting bond with his mother.

The rest of the visit including more opening gifts, playing chase through the house, pointing out objects he knew, looking at the photo album we gave him and lots of good conversation and laughter. I didn't get emotional during the visit, nor when we left an hour later to go home.

On the drive home I replayed the visit in my head over and over and began wondering why I felt such a sense of peace. I am no longer "mommy" to Dom, and I don't get to lay him down at night, or wake him in the morning, and at times this has been a great source of pain. But if anything, I left feeling selfish for all the times I have mourned over this child instead of being excited for him to be with his family. I was struck by the sense of entitlement I have had, and self pity that he was no longer with me, instead of experiencing joy that I was allowed to be his mother, even if for a time. And I think finally, having gone through some of my grief, and then seeing him doing so well, I began to feel peace.

I have learned a great many things from this experience with Dom, about being faithful, growing through pain, and most importantly - trusting God.

Trusting God with the outcome of our situations, trusting God to protect us, to take care of us, to reveal His will in His time. I wrote a friend recently and expressed my frustration in trying to figure God out, and her response was "Then don't!" The truth is that God's real purpose may not be revealed to us in this lifetime. We will be called to obediently walk through our circumstances, faithfully following the path laid before us, and having to trust that although we don't know "why", we know the "what".

Abraham was told to bring Isaac to the mountain as the offering though he didn't know why. Mary was told that she would raise the son of God, but didn't know the outcome. Throughout the bible there are stories of God's people obediently following a path laid before them, without knowing where it would lead or what obstacles and pain they may face on the way.

I guess that's how it is with us. We are following this path, and while I don't always get to see the master plan, I was thankful to get a glimpse of it this past week in visiting Dom. Knowing what heartache it has been for us, but then what a joy it was to see him at home with his family, I see how it can all fit into God's greater purpose. I know I won't always get to see how things work out for God's glory, but am thankful that this Christmas I was able to.