Doxa shirts, sunday nights, and faith.

A few things that have been going on.

1. Doxa Church is officially meeting! We've started meeting with a few other couples that are committed to seeing Doxa become a new community of believers in this area. VERY exciting. We've even got new shirts to match thanks to one awesome Doug. Can't wait to see where this all leads.

2. Sunday nights are not as stressful as they used to be. I used to dread Sunday nights because it meant a new work week. Now I'm just like "oh hey, I get to stay home tomorrow with the kids. I wonder where we can go?!" Maybe someday I'll get tired of the routine of playdates, library time, park etc. But I'm not even close!

3. Having faith. There's been a few things lately that have caused me anxiety in the midst of all the great stuff going on. Not the least of which is the future of our family. Every few weeks I agonize over the possibility that these three children that I've raised since birth in foster care may be returned to their birth parents. I have no control over the outcome of this situation and that is especially hard for me. I have to remind myself that God loves these children more than I ever could and that He is looking out for their best interests, even when the County isn't.

That's the short list!

Act 1.

Lately I've felt like everything has been building up to some climactic (or anti) moment where my life will actually begin. As if everything has been a dress rehearsal and stage setting for that moment when the curtain is drawn and the play begins.

It's so ironic that we spend our first 20 years waiting for adulthood, and then once we reach our 20's we spend the next 10 years wondering, "now what"? I'm finally at the point where I feel like everything has been building to this pivotal moment where life really begins. Of course there have been many milestones along the way that I thought would be the final breakthrough. Getting my ears pierced when I was 10, hitting the teen years, getting my license, graduating high school and college, reaching the legal drinking age, getting married, moving to Miami, moving back to Boston then NY, being a mom! Now that I've sorta maxed out the milestones, I think for a little while I was stuck in the "now what"? I know I'm not the only 20 something stuck in this pre-middle-age daze. In fact, I can't believe how many people in their 20's are still wandering around looking for purpose. I guess I just don't want to be that person anymore.

I've laid awake the past couple weeks, wondering, dreaming, imagining what lies ahead for us. Jeremy and I have reduced the clutter in our lives to a very specific vision, and it's very liberating having a single focus and purpose. For me, it's being a Godly wife and mom. I can't tell you how excited I am to meet this head on. Having juggled family life and a career for the past three years has been daunting. Being free to invest fully in being a devoted wife and mom is no small thing for me.

For Jeremy, it's starting a new church in our area. This single focus has been a long time coming for him and has not been devoid of many struggles, misdirections, and sleepless nights. Looking back, we can see how God has slowly been crafting this passion and vision in him all along, but was waiting for the right circumstances and timing to manifest. Wow, it's been a journey to get here!

We've had our fair share of warnings as we embark on these new journeys. Ironic, considering the alternative, which is no alternative but rather the same aimless wandering - but nonetheless, there are always those that may caution of the new obstacles or struggles you will face once you are actually focused on a goal. What's amazing is that when God so strongly gives you a vision for what he wants from you and what your purpose is, there is really little that the world can do to distract you from this calling. And when it does, we can only pray that some of you are there to encourage us to "stay the course"!

Welcome to Act 1 of My Life.

STAYING HOME!

I've resigned from my awesome job as a case manager to stay at home with the kids and I couldn't be more excited.  I've really enjoyed working with at-risk youth, especially girls, but my mommy guilt is overwhelming as I come home and wonder what little milestone I missed with the kids that day.  Not to mention that Jer and I are planting a church in our area, and this will help bring a much needed stability to our home life to more effectively minister to others and build up this new community of believers.      

 

This hasn't been any easy decision and we've done some tricky budgeting to make it happen, but there are many little luxuries that I will gladly sacrifice to be able to spend more time with my family.  I won't rule out working part time at some point, but right now I feel the call of the wide open road, with limitless possibilities, and the freedom from the constraints of being a working mom. 

 

Maybe now I will actually blog more?

 

 

 

 

 

 

do it with a heart wide open

Certain songs have a way of ingraining themselves in my mind and forever tying me to a certain time, event or circumstance in life.  A few chords can bring back a flood of vivid memories, emotions, and thoughts as if I were reliving everything in real time.  Sometimes this experience can be joyful and exhilarating.  Othertimes...well, it can be almost unbearable.   

 

This song brings me back to a year ago.  Miss you Jonny.  Love you Pops. 

 

Take all of your wasted honor
Every little past frustration
Take all of your so-called problems
Better put them in quotations

Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say

Walking like a one man army
Fighting with the shadows in your head
Living out the same old moment
Knowing you'd be better off instead
If you could only

Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say

Have no fear for giving in
Have no fear for giving over
You better know that in the end
It's better to say too much
Than never to say what you need to say again

Even if your hands are shaking
And your faith is broken
Even as the eyes are closing
Do it with a heart wide open

Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say

 

John Mayer

 

 

 

sovereignty.

The other night I got into a great debate with my super theological husband. This is of course silly for me to do simply because the possibility of a)ending up in an argument and b)sounding like a blatherskite, loom heavy for me over every discussion I dare get into. Nevertheless, I seem to like to pick fights even if I don't know what I'm talking about.

So I tell Jeremy that although I believe that ultimately God is sovereign over everything, I have a hard time buying it when I see how horrible people can be to one another. I mean, why would God allow people to kill one another if he could ultimately stop it? Eventually Jeremy got to the point where he asked if I'd rather not have free will. And I said "Yes". Yes, I would rather have no free will and walk around HAVING to be good if it meant that sin would never exist and people would never be hurt. To which Jeremy replied all too enthusiastically "Good! That's exactly what a Christian does! You surrender your will for Gods".

What the heck? Did I walk into some trap?! I started laughing partly because I had succeeded in getting him all riled up (he was actually standing up all animated while I was laying in bed) and also because he'd outwitted me and I had no retort. But of course I've been thinking about it ever since.

Then I read this blog today from Matt Miller at TerraNova who recently visited Toul Sleng Genocide Museum in Phnom Penh Cambodia, and it reminded me of our conversation. As I read his words, his description of the horrible things that happened in this place that he visited, the heaviness returned to my heart the same as it has in my conversation with Jeremy, though this time, it wasn't an imaginary act of evil that I was using for the sake of debate - it was real. And his response has more faith than I can sometimes muster in the face of such uncertainty.

"On the top floor of “Building 4″, they were showing a documentary about the genocide and I sat in the oppressive heat and watched until I felt light headed and claustrophobic. I heard the rumble of thunder outside and moved to the balcony as dark clouds rolled in. Soon other tourists filtered out onto the balcony to watch the storm. Jagged bolts lit up the sky and thunder cracked and rain poured down in magnificent sheets of water. I would be suspicious of any Christian who could walk through this place without deep doubt creeping into heart and soul. How do you reconcile this horrible place with an almighty, sovereign, and loving God? All the rain in the world could not make this place clean. The best I can do is to watch the lighting and hear the thunder and feel the rain on my face and take it as a reminder that He is present now and He was present then … even if at this moment, this place is beyond my own ability to reconcile."

dating.

One of the greatest reliefs of being married is that the whole "dating" thing is over.  No more wondering, "where is this relationship going?", no more forced RDT's (relationship defining talks), no more blank stares wondering "what is he thinking about?", or over-analyzing EVERY single detail of a night with my girlfriends and trying to use our crazy woman powers to interpret every little word, movement, breath to see if his affections match my own.  I've got my man, and he's got me - forever!
 
But, there comes a time - which likely coincides with little feet invading your home - that you have to relearn to date your spouse.  You have to remember what is was about that person that made you fall so madly in love with them in the first place, and you have to do all those little things for them that you used to do so easily.  You have to relearn for him, and for yourself. 
 
So Jer and I are finally dating again!  And it's long overdue.  We've spent plenty of date nights home together, but somehow the unfolded laundry or a restless toddler finds a way to crowd the couch we should be curling up in together.  So we are going out, sans children, and trying to learn how to date each other again.  There are no blank stares, or wondering what the other person is thinking, but there is a lot of cutting through the stress that life has piled up in your life and getting to the root of what made you drawn to each other in the first place.
 
Thankfully, it's still easy for us.  It took us about a 1/2 hour reconnect and tackle unresolved tensions between us, but before long we were back to ourselves, talking freely and enjoying one another without any outside demands or distractions.  We enjoyed a long dinner and I managed to score a free beer!  We talked so long we missed the early movie we were going to, but neither of us really cared in the end.
 
I'm so thankful that God has not designed us to do life alone.
 
Oh, and that we have friends crazy enough to take in our 3 babies under 2 for a night. :)
 

someday!

Someday I will...

- post regularly
- wake up before hitting my "snooze" three times
- write my biography
- finish our bathroom
- be less self-critical
- learn to love unconditionally
- be as patient with Jeremy as he is with me!
- take my kids hiking up Mt. Washington
- show them how to jump off a bridge without getting an enema
- travel to Tanzania to meet our Compassion Child James Elibariki Nnko!
- Sky dive?
- Learn Italian so I can travel to Italy (ciao bella!)
- take care of my parents to make up for my teen years :)

That's the short list...

More to come I'm sure.