best christmas gift

I have called Domieians birth father and step mother almost weekly since he transitioned home to live with them in early October to see how things are going. They always answer my calls, and are always willing to give me the latest update on Dom and what new thing he has learned. It is always calming to speak with them, and hear him babbling in the background.

We haven't seen Domieian since he left, and though I have had dreams of visiting him, his new family was not ready for us to come see him yet for fear that he would be confused. Last Thursday when I called for an update, I finally heard those words: "We are ready for you and Jeremy to visit Domieian". Oh if I could describe the anxiety, joy, fear, and anticipation that I experienced all in that one moment. My stomach knotted up, and I had that funny little ball in my throat that you get right before start crying, and I began thinking of what gifts I would bring for him, what he would look like, and if he would remember us?

Thursday night Jeremy and I faced the crowds to go shopping to buy Christmas gifts for Domieian. I was so nervous as I tried to make sure to get the right size clothes, and pick out a perfect toy he would like. Wow, is this what parents go through every year?? I can't believe how nervous I was that I would get the wrong thing! A new outfit, Nike shoes, and a toy truck later, we left the mall feeling successful.

On Friday Jeremy and I packed up the twins and set out to visit Dom in his new home. We were warmly greeted by his new stepmother and she welcomed us into the family room where Dom had just fallen asleep on the couch. He looked taller, and very peaceful. When she woke him, he seemed a little confused at first, but sat on my lap without a fuss, and didn't seem to mind as I carefully looked him over, stroked his hair, stretched out his fingers, and held him close. He didn't sit long before he noticed his gifts and intently pulled them onto the couch and began tearing them open. In true toddler fashion he gave great attention to every shred of wrapping paper, and as soon as he had ripped a piece off, he ran to the kitchen to throw it away. When he opened his new shoes, he took them out of the box and brought them to his stepmother and at that moment it was clear to me that he has made a successfull transition into his new home, and has built a healthy and trusting bond with his mother.

The rest of the visit including more opening gifts, playing chase through the house, pointing out objects he knew, looking at the photo album we gave him and lots of good conversation and laughter. I didn't get emotional during the visit, nor when we left an hour later to go home.

On the drive home I replayed the visit in my head over and over and began wondering why I felt such a sense of peace. I am no longer "mommy" to Dom, and I don't get to lay him down at night, or wake him in the morning, and at times this has been a great source of pain. But if anything, I left feeling selfish for all the times I have mourned over this child instead of being excited for him to be with his family. I was struck by the sense of entitlement I have had, and self pity that he was no longer with me, instead of experiencing joy that I was allowed to be his mother, even if for a time. And I think finally, having gone through some of my grief, and then seeing him doing so well, I began to feel peace.

I have learned a great many things from this experience with Dom, about being faithful, growing through pain, and most importantly - trusting God.

Trusting God with the outcome of our situations, trusting God to protect us, to take care of us, to reveal His will in His time. I wrote a friend recently and expressed my frustration in trying to figure God out, and her response was "Then don't!" The truth is that God's real purpose may not be revealed to us in this lifetime. We will be called to obediently walk through our circumstances, faithfully following the path laid before us, and having to trust that although we don't know "why", we know the "what".

Abraham was told to bring Isaac to the mountain as the offering though he didn't know why. Mary was told that she would raise the son of God, but didn't know the outcome. Throughout the bible there are stories of God's people obediently following a path laid before them, without knowing where it would lead or what obstacles and pain they may face on the way.

I guess that's how it is with us. We are following this path, and while I don't always get to see the master plan, I was thankful to get a glimpse of it this past week in visiting Dom. Knowing what heartache it has been for us, but then what a joy it was to see him at home with his family, I see how it can all fit into God's greater purpose. I know I won't always get to see how things work out for God's glory, but am thankful that this Christmas I was able to.

christmas recount

Had our annual Parker Christmas party this past weekend at my parents house. Here are the numbers:

Grandparents: 2
Parents: 2
Siblings: 4
Sibs in law: 3
Aunts: 3
Uncles: 2
Cousins: 9
Nieces: 2
Nephews: 3

Total: 30

That's right folks, 30 family members for a weekend packed under the same roof, same time, every year - and it's grand.

Of course, the obvious question is "what exactly do you DO that whole time". Well, lots of things, we have a yankee swap gift exchange, an auction, sometimes a pinata for this kids, we build snow men, have snow ball fights, and we always top of the evening by burning something.

Well, this year my father, wanting to exercise his new snowblower, decided to snowblow the backyard (yes, the backyard) in one giant crop circle. This left a gigantic mound of snow piled up in the middle of my parents back yard about 5 feet high and probably 10-15 feet in diameter. While at first we all laughed at the absurdity of snowblowing your backyard into a ginormous pile, we quickly learned how much fun huge mounds of snow can be!

Consider, this mound soon turned into an igloo, a sledding hill with steps going up, and wall to hide around during snowball fights, a climbing mountain, and most importantly - a stand upon which to place a teepee like figure for burning later on.

I will attempt to add video later, but for now, here is a glimpse of the snow mountain.

horrible driver and shameless promotion

I have an addendum to my previous blog on reasons why you are a better driver than me.

5. Ran out of gas on the way home tonight on Route 5...with babies in the car, during busy traffic, and p.s. it's freezing outside.

Here are the excuses:
1. My fuel light didn't come on.
2. Even though the pointer was below zero I was still waiting for the fuel light and thought I could make it.
3. I am an idiot.

Alright, forget number three. I really was just waiting for the fuel light and in its absence assumed that I MUST have more gas. And yes, apparently it is broken.
Alas, my husband the hero came and rescued his damsel in distress within minutes - after of course taking the opportunity to engage full hyena laugh on the phone. The laugh of course was in vindication after I used his car and left it on empty only days ago, causing him to hike home and back, gas can in tow, after HE ran out of gas on the road as well. I think we will be fixing the gas light soon.

Speaking of husbands hyena laugh, we are fervently praying for a new job in full time ministry for Jeremy that will allow:
- exercise in areas of gifting (preaching, teaching)
- communication (developing, creating and enhancing the media with which we communicate the Gospel)
- flexibility to continue Seminary (starting January)

In the meantime, our back up plan is Starbucks, or maybe something that includes free buffalo wings. Actually, Jeremy has perfected his own home made buffalo wing recipe that has saved us generously in funds. Though, I don't know that it has benefited High Bridge Pizza with whom we had a personal tab with until we began to fry chicken from home. Maybe we will open up our own wing place..."J and C Wings". I think it has a nice ring to it.

So, here's an invite - call us up if you want to partake in this new deliciousness, you will never want to order out again!

Oh, and if your little pointer is below zero fuel but your light is not on, you may want to fill up just in case.

marshmallows and criticism

Yesterday was a tough day for me.  I was confronted with some things that I need to work on and this is never easy for me.  I have been realizing what motivates me, and quite often it is the fear of correction.  I remember being in about 2nd grade in the lunch room, and I was talking during "quiet time" (big surprise) and I was told by the lunch monitor to go stand on the wall.  This was of course the customary punishment.  Instead of taking my spot on the wall I sat there and burst into tears between silent sobs.  I was so embarrassed for being called out that I just started crying.  The monitor quickly saw my emotional state and decided that maybe addressing me was enough and didn't make me stand on the wall.  This also happened when a "boyfriend" dumped me in seventh grade at a school dance, and I bursed into tears, and then subsequently called me a "marshmallow". I guess I wasn't getting in trouble, but I just felt like there was something about me that needed to be different.

 

I've developed a thicker skin since those days, but at my core I am still the same.  I have learned to anticipate the corrections, and am motivated to do what I can to avoid it.  When I meet with my boss for our weekly supervisions I am quick to lay my sins bare, before she is given a chance to correct me.  I must be the easiest person to supervise!  I'd rather identify on my own what I need to work on, rather than have someone point it out. 

There is some criticism however that you just can't avoid and you are unable to identify on your own.  There are times when flaws must be identified and called out, and we come face to face with our imperfection.  And it's in those moments, as uncomfortable as they are, when we are most challenged to grow. 

 

I had a day like that today.  It was especially hard because it was not a very tactful confrontation or criticism, but nonetheless I needed to hear it.  And it challenged me.  It plagued my thoughts my entire drive home, and as I ate dinner.  I had knots in my stomach as I went to bed thinking about the conversations of the day, and the fact that I indeed do not have it all figured out.  But I appreciate the challenge.  I never get used to it, but I have learned to accept it and be thankful for it as part of God molding and shaping me into his image. 

 

After all, imagine having nothing to improve, being perfect, flawless.  Now that is a pedestal I never want to stand on. 

18And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect ^[a] the Lord's glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit. Corinthians 3:18