sovereignty.

The other night I got into a great debate with my super theological husband. This is of course silly for me to do simply because the possibility of a)ending up in an argument and b)sounding like a blatherskite, loom heavy for me over every discussion I dare get into. Nevertheless, I seem to like to pick fights even if I don't know what I'm talking about.

So I tell Jeremy that although I believe that ultimately God is sovereign over everything, I have a hard time buying it when I see how horrible people can be to one another. I mean, why would God allow people to kill one another if he could ultimately stop it? Eventually Jeremy got to the point where he asked if I'd rather not have free will. And I said "Yes". Yes, I would rather have no free will and walk around HAVING to be good if it meant that sin would never exist and people would never be hurt. To which Jeremy replied all too enthusiastically "Good! That's exactly what a Christian does! You surrender your will for Gods".

What the heck? Did I walk into some trap?! I started laughing partly because I had succeeded in getting him all riled up (he was actually standing up all animated while I was laying in bed) and also because he'd outwitted me and I had no retort. But of course I've been thinking about it ever since.

Then I read this blog today from Matt Miller at TerraNova who recently visited Toul Sleng Genocide Museum in Phnom Penh Cambodia, and it reminded me of our conversation. As I read his words, his description of the horrible things that happened in this place that he visited, the heaviness returned to my heart the same as it has in my conversation with Jeremy, though this time, it wasn't an imaginary act of evil that I was using for the sake of debate - it was real. And his response has more faith than I can sometimes muster in the face of such uncertainty.

"On the top floor of “Building 4″, they were showing a documentary about the genocide and I sat in the oppressive heat and watched until I felt light headed and claustrophobic. I heard the rumble of thunder outside and moved to the balcony as dark clouds rolled in. Soon other tourists filtered out onto the balcony to watch the storm. Jagged bolts lit up the sky and thunder cracked and rain poured down in magnificent sheets of water. I would be suspicious of any Christian who could walk through this place without deep doubt creeping into heart and soul. How do you reconcile this horrible place with an almighty, sovereign, and loving God? All the rain in the world could not make this place clean. The best I can do is to watch the lighting and hear the thunder and feel the rain on my face and take it as a reminder that He is present now and He was present then … even if at this moment, this place is beyond my own ability to reconcile."