best christmas gift

I have called Domieians birth father and step mother almost weekly since he transitioned home to live with them in early October to see how things are going. They always answer my calls, and are always willing to give me the latest update on Dom and what new thing he has learned. It is always calming to speak with them, and hear him babbling in the background.

We haven't seen Domieian since he left, and though I have had dreams of visiting him, his new family was not ready for us to come see him yet for fear that he would be confused. Last Thursday when I called for an update, I finally heard those words: "We are ready for you and Jeremy to visit Domieian". Oh if I could describe the anxiety, joy, fear, and anticipation that I experienced all in that one moment. My stomach knotted up, and I had that funny little ball in my throat that you get right before start crying, and I began thinking of what gifts I would bring for him, what he would look like, and if he would remember us?

Thursday night Jeremy and I faced the crowds to go shopping to buy Christmas gifts for Domieian. I was so nervous as I tried to make sure to get the right size clothes, and pick out a perfect toy he would like. Wow, is this what parents go through every year?? I can't believe how nervous I was that I would get the wrong thing! A new outfit, Nike shoes, and a toy truck later, we left the mall feeling successful.

On Friday Jeremy and I packed up the twins and set out to visit Dom in his new home. We were warmly greeted by his new stepmother and she welcomed us into the family room where Dom had just fallen asleep on the couch. He looked taller, and very peaceful. When she woke him, he seemed a little confused at first, but sat on my lap without a fuss, and didn't seem to mind as I carefully looked him over, stroked his hair, stretched out his fingers, and held him close. He didn't sit long before he noticed his gifts and intently pulled them onto the couch and began tearing them open. In true toddler fashion he gave great attention to every shred of wrapping paper, and as soon as he had ripped a piece off, he ran to the kitchen to throw it away. When he opened his new shoes, he took them out of the box and brought them to his stepmother and at that moment it was clear to me that he has made a successfull transition into his new home, and has built a healthy and trusting bond with his mother.

The rest of the visit including more opening gifts, playing chase through the house, pointing out objects he knew, looking at the photo album we gave him and lots of good conversation and laughter. I didn't get emotional during the visit, nor when we left an hour later to go home.

On the drive home I replayed the visit in my head over and over and began wondering why I felt such a sense of peace. I am no longer "mommy" to Dom, and I don't get to lay him down at night, or wake him in the morning, and at times this has been a great source of pain. But if anything, I left feeling selfish for all the times I have mourned over this child instead of being excited for him to be with his family. I was struck by the sense of entitlement I have had, and self pity that he was no longer with me, instead of experiencing joy that I was allowed to be his mother, even if for a time. And I think finally, having gone through some of my grief, and then seeing him doing so well, I began to feel peace.

I have learned a great many things from this experience with Dom, about being faithful, growing through pain, and most importantly - trusting God.

Trusting God with the outcome of our situations, trusting God to protect us, to take care of us, to reveal His will in His time. I wrote a friend recently and expressed my frustration in trying to figure God out, and her response was "Then don't!" The truth is that God's real purpose may not be revealed to us in this lifetime. We will be called to obediently walk through our circumstances, faithfully following the path laid before us, and having to trust that although we don't know "why", we know the "what".

Abraham was told to bring Isaac to the mountain as the offering though he didn't know why. Mary was told that she would raise the son of God, but didn't know the outcome. Throughout the bible there are stories of God's people obediently following a path laid before them, without knowing where it would lead or what obstacles and pain they may face on the way.

I guess that's how it is with us. We are following this path, and while I don't always get to see the master plan, I was thankful to get a glimpse of it this past week in visiting Dom. Knowing what heartache it has been for us, but then what a joy it was to see him at home with his family, I see how it can all fit into God's greater purpose. I know I won't always get to see how things work out for God's glory, but am thankful that this Christmas I was able to.