Yesterday was a tough day for me. I was confronted with some things that I need to work on and this is never easy for me. I have been realizing what motivates me, and quite often it is the fear of correction. I remember being in about 2nd grade in the lunch room, and I was talking during "quiet time" (big surprise) and I was told by the lunch monitor to go stand on the wall. This was of course the customary punishment. Instead of taking my spot on the wall I sat there and burst into tears between silent sobs. I was so embarrassed for being called out that I just started crying. The monitor quickly saw my emotional state and decided that maybe addressing me was enough and didn't make me stand on the wall. This also happened when a "boyfriend" dumped me in seventh grade at a school dance, and I bursed into tears, and then subsequently called me a "marshmallow". I guess I wasn't getting in trouble, but I just felt like there was something about me that needed to be different.
I've developed a thicker skin since those days, but at my core I am still the same. I have learned to anticipate the corrections, and am motivated to do what I can to avoid it. When I meet with my boss for our weekly supervisions I am quick to lay my sins bare, before she is given a chance to correct me. I must be the easiest person to supervise! I'd rather identify on my own what I need to work on, rather than have someone point it out.
There is some criticism however that you just can't avoid and you are unable to identify on your own. There are times when flaws must be identified and called out, and we come face to face with our imperfection. And it's in those moments, as uncomfortable as they are, when we are most challenged to grow.
There is some criticism however that you just can't avoid and you are unable to identify on your own. There are times when flaws must be identified and called out, and we come face to face with our imperfection. And it's in those moments, as uncomfortable as they are, when we are most challenged to grow.
I had a day like that today. It was especially hard because it was not a very tactful confrontation or criticism, but nonetheless I needed to hear it. And it challenged me. It plagued my thoughts my entire drive home, and as I ate dinner. I had knots in my stomach as I went to bed thinking about the conversations of the day, and the fact that I indeed do not have it all figured out. But I appreciate the challenge. I never get used to it, but I have learned to accept it and be thankful for it as part of God molding and shaping me into his image.
After all, imagine having nothing to improve, being perfect, flawless. Now that is a pedestal I never want to stand on.
18And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect [a] the Lord's glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit. Corinthians 3:18
1 comment:
I was extremely sensitive as a child, and over time learned how to get a thicker skin. But it's never thick enough, really. And I guess I don't want it to be.
I try to contemplate the merit of any criticism- but I do avoid looking too deeply into criticism from someone who loves to give it!
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