Purple Lilacs

Mae's log - Bounce House special video!

2010-04-28T22:07:00.009-04:00

Can I just tell you how exhausted I am? I've noticed that by and far the hours from 5-8 are my worst. The kids are cyclically tired, fussy, and constantly bickering leading up to bed time. I say cyclically because as soon as I think I can't take it anymore everyone quiets down and plays perfectly, and then just as my stress level returns to normal the air shifts and I have 4 screaming toddlers. Please somebody tell me its not just my house that gets like this! Our goal EVERY NIGHT however is to make sure that everyone goes to bed happy and remembers how much fun we had during the day. Sometimes this means 1/2 hr of wrestling and tickling the crankiest toddler until he finally relents and bursts out laughing, or reading more books than I'd like, or more recently, singing every verse of Wheels on the Bus or Mary had a Little Lamb. Then its bedtime prayers and goodnight kisses. At least I can proudly say my house goes to bed happy, even if it didn't look that way a few hours before. Anyhow, tonight Maeven is narrating her day at the Bounce House through pictures and a special video just for mommy and daddy!

Here is a special video we made for mommy and daddy!!!!

Yogurt and strawberries for breakfast. YUM!

Here I am in the Finding Nemo Bounce house.
I'm pointing to the shark teeth and saying "Sharp Teeth!"

Here Jada and I climbing up the stairs to the giant slide.

Weeeeeeeee!!!

Jada and I bouncing around.

Michael was afraid to go in the bounce house
so we got to go on the merry-go-round.

We also rode a yellow sports car!

This was a big Red Barn with animals, and slides.
I ran around with Anthony in here for a long time.

Since it was so cold out, when we came home
we made some hot cocoa with marshmallows.
Look how exhausted I am!

Mae's log - Happy, Happy, Rain or Shine!

2010-04-27T22:44:00.010-04:00

It's been a rainy few days here in the Capital District. On one hand I'm extremely happy because I just planted some flowers in the garden and hadn't gotten around to watering them - yay mother nature! On the other hand, I love letting the kids run outside so it's been a long few days keeping them entertained indoors. We did a pretty good job improvising but I admit that when Jeremy came home from work today I tagged out and spent a nice, quiet 1/2 hr in our room, sans kids, with peace...and quiet. It was heaven :). Just what I needed before the dinner, bedtime routine. Now my house is picked up, clean, and ready for another day. Here's Mae to recount the past 2 days!

MAEVENS LOG: DAY 4+5 (Mon. and Today)

After really missing my mommy on Saturday night I was hoping for a good sleep on Sunday night - and for the most part I did great. Around 5am I woke up in complete darkness, and after wriggling around, I realized I was stuck under Jada's bed! I called out and Auntie Christi came rushing in looking all over for me. Finally she found me and after I told her I was stuck, she sorta giggled, gave me a big hug, and tucked me back into my bed. I guess it was a little funny come to think of it :) On Monday we played inside all day because it was really dark and rainy out. We did tons of stuff. We had a tea party in Jada's room, we colored, we played dress up, ran in circles round the house, built with blocks, and then more running around in circles. It wasn't all fun and games though. I've learned by now that the motto in a house full of toddlers is "survival of the fittest". Having spent the last few days getting my toys snatched from me, I've decided to snatch them back. I still give lots of hugs and kisses, but don't try to steal the pink car I'm playing with or you'll be sorry! Here's some pictures from yesterday:

Having a tea party with my backpack! We all sang Dora's backpack song running around after we put them on.

Jada and I put on pretty dresses and headbands. Here I am cleaning the windows with a toothbrush because they looked dirty.

I found this great construction hat and we all ran around in circles chasing each other and giggling.

Yep, still raining out!

Notice something out of place? I made the basket of dish rags into a bed for my baby doll and Auntie Christi found it later. She's all tucked in and ready for bed.

Last night I slept ALL NIGHT LONG! Auntie Christi woke up at 6:40am nervous because she hadn't heard a peep all night. I got up a little while later and looked outside and realized it was another rainy day. Michael starting singing a song about rain boots and that gave us all the idea to play in the rain. Besides, my mommy packed my puddle boots, so I had to wear them. By the time we got all ready to go outside it had stopped raining, but we still got to run around in the mud, pick flowers and look for worms. I ran straight to the flowering bushes to pick the pretty red blossoms and wasted no time getting my hands dirty. We also picked some lilacs, and little yellow and white flowers we found. We dug for worms, and found one! After cleaning up, we went inside, had lunch, and then set up a big play tent in Jada's room to have a tea party in. We also played with puzzles and watched Toy Story, which I took a nap during. Ah, what a fun few days we've had. I talked with my mommy, poppa AND Keller tonight after bathtime. I love hearing from them every night before bed, it helps me fall asleep. Did I tell you my favorite song to sing at bedtime is Mary had a little lamb and baa baa black sheep? I know all the verses and had to teach Auntie Christi because she didn't know them all. I mean, who doesn't know that the lamb made the children laugh and play? Oh well, now she knows :) These are from today!

This was outside today, I learned this is a flower from the bleeding heart bush.

Digging for worms!

I pulled up a handful and yelled "worms"! Turns out it was just some squishy roots.

When Auntie Christi wasn't looking I ate some dirt. It tasted "not good".

Playing with puzzles. Everyone wanted the firetruck puzzle.

"Watching" Toy Story. I guess I was tired :0)

XOXO

MAE MAE

Mae's log - I miss mommy!!!

2010-04-26T21:28:00.008-04:00

Did I mention my purple lilacs are finally in bloom?! My bleeding heart bush has been blooming for about 2 weeks but just noticed the lilacs yesterday. If its nice out tomorrow maybe I'll take the kids out to help me pick some blossoms for the house. Nothing says Spring like LILACS! Mae, you're up.

MAEVENS LOG: DAY 3 (Sunday)

I had a hard time sleeping last night :(. I woke up several times crying for mommy because I missed her so much! Thankfully Auntie Christi came upstairs and snuggled with me so I could get some sleep, and then first thing in the morning, we called my momma and poppa and left a message for them to call when they woke up. Uncle Jeremy was out of town today, the weather was cold, and Auntie Christi didn't dare try to take us all to church - so we went to the indoor play gym that my cousins love to go to called Tumbling Tykes. I barely got my feet in the door before I kicked off my shoes and took off running! Here's what I did:

First things first. I took over this police cruiser. Michael was hogging the blue car so I was safe in here. "Weehooweehoowee."
In case you didn't know, I climb on EVERYTHING... ...and jump on everything! I loved the trampoline.

I almost gave Auntie Christi a heart attack when she caught me on top of this thing. This is me falling through the whole in the center of the top. (Seriously, how did she get up there?)Anthony took this picture of me playing in the ball pit with Jada. He didn't even give me a chance to smile!We also played dress up. How cute do I look in the green hat I picked out?
And back on the trampoline with Jada in my new outfit :)

It was hard to leave, we had so much fun. We got a special treat on the way home from McDonalds and I got to talk to my mommy and poppa on the phone too! I was so excited to hear from them in Hawaii. I also called them again at bedtime so I would sleep better. I was so excited to hear their voices that sometimes I was smiling so big I forgot to talk. After reading some books and singing songs we settled in our beds. Except that Jada and I weren't ready to sleep so we spent the next 20 minutes in our beds calling each others names, then popping our heads up, then falling back into our pillows and giggling hysterically! Auntie Christi told us to go to bed but she was also laughing so I don't think she was very upset :)
XOXO
MAE MAE

Maevens log: Day 2

2010-04-26T08:14:00.007-04:00

I'll be playing catch up today to get up all the pictures and stories from Mae over the weekend. I am happy to say I survived hosting a jewelry party on Saturday night and Jeremy being out of town Sunday - all with 4 kids under 3! Don't be too impressed, I'm probably more insane than admirable. Here's Mae to recount her tales!

Mae's Log: Day 2 (Saturday)

I slept great last night! When we woke up we all watched Saturday morning cartoons and had blueberry pancakes and strawberry banana smoothies for breakfast - YUM. While Auntie Christi was cooking Jada and I got to eat frozen blueberries and it turned my whole mouth blue I ate so many. Bandit, the giant yellow dog, kept trying to get to my food so I had to keep telling him to go away. He finally got the hint. After breakfast we all piled in the car and headed up to Saratoga for a picnic in the park. There was a little stream, with a bridge and a playground we played on for hours. I especially liked to hang from the bar over the slide and swing back and forth. Oh, and the mud! Anthony and I walked all through the stream and let the mud squish between our toes. We also filled the buckets with mud and water and had fun dumping the water at the top of the hill and watch it run down to the stream. I got quite filthy. My motto is, if you don't go home dirty - you didn't have enough fun! On the way home we stopped for ice cream. I got a chocolate/vanilla twist with rainbow sprinkles and was the only one who finished my whole cone. When my mommy said I like to eat, she wasn't kidding :). We were all so tired when we got home that we took an early bath, and played inside until bedtime. Before bed I left my mommy and poppa another message, sang Mary had a Little Lamb and snuggled in for the night. XOXO MAE

Maeven is taking over my blog!

2010-04-23T21:27:00.004-04:00

For so many reasons I wish I blogged more but never seem to be able to keep up. Probably my biggest obstacle is that 90% of my life involves my children and because they are still tied up in foster care I can't shamelessly promote their cuteness on open sites (boo). HOWEVER! This week while most of my immediate family is soaking up the sun in Hawaii I have the privilege of watching my 2 yr old niece Maeven! She has asked to take over my blog site for the week so her lovely parents can keep up with her. This allows me to shamelessly promote her adorableness and I couldn't be more excited. Take it away Mae Mae!

MAEVEN LOG: DAY 1

I've been excited all week to see my cousins! I was really hoping they would be as excited but for some reason when I first got here Michael, Anthony and Jada refused to share any of her toys and Jada just kept yelling whenever I touched her toys. That was a little irritating but I just ignored her and went around exploring all the things there were to play with. Eventually everyone warmed up and realized how incredibly fun I am to be around :). We especially had fun running around outside, going down the dirt hill on the cars, and pushing each other down the slide. I showed everyone how to go down face first! After lunch Jada and I went down for naps... sorta. We spent the first hour jumping on each others beds and laughing and giggling until Auntie Christi moved me to the boys room. After naps, Michael, Anthony and I planted new flowers in the front yard. I picked out my very own flower to plant that was purple and white. It was my favorite! I dug a hole all by myself with my shovel, put the flowers in, and covered them with dirt. We even found a worm! We had so much fun playing outside that we had to take a bath after dinner. Auntie Christi was so excited to brush my hair and I sat perfectly still while she braided it before bed. After brushing teeth and reading books we all settled in for the night. My bed is right next to Jada's and I couldn't help but chatter with her for a while before we finally fell asleep. Oh! I also got to call my mommy and daddy before bed and leave them a message telling them that I loved them. It was a very good first day. MISS YOU MOMMY, DADDY AND KELLER!

XO
Mae Mae

a pro valentines day reflection

2010-02-09T15:44:00.006-05:00

Every picture tells a story. This tells of a digital camera that we once thought was cutting edge with it's amazing clarity. We used to just take close up pictures of random objects and oogle at the detail. ha. Those were the days.

This picture was also taken on my 21st birthday, a few days after Valentines day, and the first year of our marriage. I'll never forget how excited I was that first Valentines of our marriage when I woke up to breakfast in bed and a little black box with a birthstone ring from my new husband. What a catch! But that wasn't even my favorite Valentines day.

My most memorable Valentines was a few years later when we were living in Miami. Jeremy told me he had something planned that night but was top secret about it. He even made me sit in our car with my eyes closed the entire way to our destination, even as we stopped to pick up takeout at a restaurant. Finally after about 1/2 hour we arrived at Matheson Hammock Park in Coral Gables. It's right on Biscayne Bay and the beach overlooks the bay and straight across you can see the city lights of Miami. It's a gorgeous view. I assumed that we were going to the Red Fish Grill which is right on the beach but Jeremy parked a ways from the restaurant and backed our car up into a spot by the beach. He got out, opened the back hatch of our SUV, put the seats down and proceeded to pull out sleeping bags, his laptop, takeout dinner from Outback, and a bottle of red wine. Last but not least he took out "Sleepless in Seattle" and began to load the movie on his computer while preparing our seats. We had a romantic dinner in the back of our Honda on that warm night, snuggled in sleeping bags while watching Sleepless in Seattle, all the while overlooking the Miami skyline across the bay at night. Now if THAT's not romantic, I don't know what is. I mean, did he get this from a book?

Not every Valentines has been so elaborate. I think there have been a few years that we didn't even do cards for each other, we're not actually that big into even planning stuff for our anniversary. But I'm so thankful for a husband that every now and then surprises me and reminds me how much he cares for me.

So, say what you want about Valentines day, there's nothing wrong with a holiday that encourages you to take the opportunity to let your significant other feel special. I mean, really, once a year, let them know they are loved - is it really that hard?

cats, cliffs, and hope.

2010-01-22T15:56:00.015-05:00

Jeremy and I walked into the pet store determined to adopt and bring home a kitten. We had owned cats in the past and remembering their loving and playful nature we decided it would fill our otherwise empty home with a little joy.

Two weeks earlier the three children that we had raised since birth through foster care and were hoping to adopt were returned to one of their parents. Although we had months to mentally prepare for their departure, every step through our now empty home was a reminder of the laughter and joy that echoed through its walls for the past three years. Beds were untouched and toys stood still, laundry was left undone. We tried to do everything to avoid being home; hiking in the Adirondacks, target shooting in Tennessee, visiting family in Miami, but eventually ran out of places to go. While Jeremy tried to focus on work, I spent most of my time in the family room, unable to walk throughout the house without being reminded of the children. Nights were worse. I would try to stay up as late as possible to avoid facing the sorrow that hit me while I lay in bed waiting for sleep to overtake my thoughts. We prayed alot together during this time, studied Scripture, read books, and had long discussions on how to begin our life again.

Deciding to adopt a kitten was a pleasant distraction from our quiet house and new empty routine. A cat was something I could nurture, and love, and be a mother to. We headed out to the pet shop that night, feeling hopeful of our future, and excitedly chattering about what kind of kitten we would bring home. Once there, I started to watch three kittens roll around playfully with one another while Jeremy began filling out the paperwork to adopt. We were both stupidly excited. I waited impatiently as the woman read through our papers for what seemed like forever. After conferring with a colleague, she walked over to us with an unpromising look, and told us we could not adopt a cat. The paperwork had asked if we would ever let the kitten outdoors and Jeremy had written "maybe on a leash". Despite my insistence that we would adhere to their "no outdoors" policy, it was too late. Hopes dashed, it was all I could do to drag Jeremy out of the store before I burst into tears. We had failed at adopting children, and now we couldn't even adopt a CAT!

In the car, I fiercely scolded my unsuspecting husband through a torrent of sobbing. The rejection was overwhelming. Not because of a cat, but because of what it signified - loss. Loss of children, loss of dreams, loss of hope. Jeremy was as angry as I was. We sat in the car and when I prompted him to drive, he said he was so angry he might drive off a cliff. I told him to go for it.

We sat for another 10 minutes or so in silence. Slowly we drove away, and began to piece back together our hopes and dreams. Over the next few days we reminded one another of Gods promises. Not that we will never have struggles in this life, but that He will give us the strength to walk through them. We were reminded of others throughout the world that were suffering immeasurably more than we were - families whose children had died or were dying, families dealing with chronic illness, people without so much as a home over their heads or food on their table. It opened our hearts to so many that suffer without the hope of eternity. It gave us a new perspective. A perspective that was not dependant on what we have in life, but how we respond to life.

Through nothing short of a miracle, the following week all three children returned to our care. Our home is once again filled with laughter, running, singing, bickering, diapers, sippy cups, and all the wonders three toddlers bring. I will never forget all the lessons we learned while they were gone. What was only a few weeks felt like an eternity. We don't know what the future will hold for our family - I don't think anyone ever really does. But I am thankful for the assurance that God will give us the strength to walk through it, and for every new day I have with these precious children.

And btw, a special thanks to the lady that rejected us for the cat. Three kids is enough for now :)

Doxa shirts, sunday nights, and faith.

2009-09-15T10:27:00.004-04:00

A few things that have been going on.

1. Doxa Church is officially meeting! We've started meeting with a few other couples that are committed to seeing Doxa become a new community of believers in this area. VERY exciting. We've even got new shirts to match thanks to one awesome Doug. Can't wait to see where this all leads.

2. Sunday nights are not as stressful as they used to be. I used to dread Sunday nights because it meant a new work week. Now I'm just like "oh hey, I get to stay home tomorrow with the kids. I wonder where we can go?!" Maybe someday I'll get tired of the routine of playdates, library time, park etc. But I'm not even close!

3. Having faith. There's been a few things lately that have caused me anxiety in the midst of all the great stuff going on. Not the least of which is the future of our family. Every few weeks I agonize over the possibility that these three children that I've raised since birth in foster care may be returned to their birth parents. I have no control over the outcome of this situation and that is especially hard for me. I have to remind myself that God loves these children more than I ever could and that He is looking out for their best interests, even when the County isn't.

That's the short list!

Act 1.

2009-07-20T21:40:00.006-04:00

Lately I've felt like everything has been building up to some climactic (or anti) moment where my life will actually begin. As if everything has been a dress rehearsal and stage setting for that moment when the curtain is drawn and the play begins.

It's so ironic that we spend our first 20 years waiting for adulthood, and then once we reach our 20's we spend the next 10 years wondering, "now what"? I'm finally at the point where I feel like everything has been building to this pivotal moment where life really begins. Of course there have been many milestones along the way that I thought would be the final breakthrough. Getting my ears pierced when I was 10, hitting the teen years, getting my license, graduating high school and college, reaching the legal drinking age, getting married, moving to Miami, moving back to Boston then NY, being a mom! Now that I've sorta maxed out the milestones, I think for a little while I was stuck in the "now what"? I know I'm not the only 20 something stuck in this pre-middle-age daze. In fact, I can't believe how many people in their 20's are still wandering around looking for purpose. I guess I just don't want to be that person anymore.

I've laid awake the past couple weeks, wondering, dreaming, imagining what lies ahead for us. Jeremy and I have reduced the clutter in our lives to a very specific vision, and it's very liberating having a single focus and purpose. For me, it's being a Godly wife and mom. I can't tell you how excited I am to meet this head on. Having juggled family life and a career for the past three years has been daunting. Being free to invest fully in being a devoted wife and mom is no small thing for me.

For Jeremy, it's starting a new church in our area. This single focus has been a long time coming for him and has not been devoid of many struggles, misdirections, and sleepless nights. Looking back, we can see how God has slowly been crafting this passion and vision in him all along, but was waiting for the right circumstances and timing to manifest. Wow, it's been a journey to get here!

We've had our fair share of warnings as we embark on these new journeys. Ironic, considering the alternative, which is no alternative but rather the same aimless wandering - but nonetheless, there are always those that may caution of the new obstacles or struggles you will face once you are actually focused on a goal. What's amazing is that when God so strongly gives you a vision for what he wants from you and what your purpose is, there is really little that the world can do to distract you from this calling. And when it does, we can only pray that some of you are there to encourage us to "stay the course"!

Welcome to Act 1 of My Life.

STAYING HOME!

2009-07-16T10:37:00.001-04:00

I've resigned from my awesome job as a case manager to stay at home with the kids and I couldn't be more excited. I've really enjoyed working with at-risk youth, especially girls, but my mommy guilt is overwhelming as I come home and wonder what little milestone I missed with the kids that day. Not to mention that Jer and I are planting a church in our area, and this will help bring a much needed stability to our home life to more effectively minister to others and build up this new community of believers.

This hasn't been any easy decision and we've done some tricky budgeting to make it happen, but there are many little luxuries that I will gladly sacrifice to be able to spend more time with my family. I won't rule out working part time at some point, but right now I feel the call of the wide open road, with limitless possibilities, and the freedom from the constraints of being a working mom.

Maybe now I will actually blog more?

do it with a heart wide open

2009-05-14T12:28:00.001-04:00

Certain songs have a way of ingraining themselves in my mind and forever tying me to a certain time, event or circumstance in life. A few chords can bring back a flood of vivid memories, emotions, and thoughts as if I were reliving everything in real time. Sometimes this experience can be joyful and exhilarating. Othertimes...well, it can be almost unbearable.

This song brings me back to a year ago. Miss you Jonny. Love you Pops.

Take all of your wasted honor
Every little past frustration
Take all of your so-called problems
Better put them in quotations

Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say

Walking like a one man army
Fighting with the shadows in your head
Living out the same old moment
Knowing you'd be better off instead
If you could only

Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say

Have no fear for giving in
Have no fear for giving over
You better know that in the end
It's better to say too much
Than never to say what you need to say again

Even if your hands are shaking
And your faith is broken
Even as the eyes are closing
Do it with a heart wide open

Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say

John Mayer

sovereignty.

2009-05-11T21:27:00.004-04:00

The other night I got into a great debate with my super theological husband. This is of course silly for me to do simply because the possibility of a)ending up in an argument and b)sounding like a blatherskite, loom heavy for me over every discussion I dare get into. Nevertheless, I seem to like to pick fights even if I don't know what I'm talking about.

So I tell Jeremy that although I believe that ultimately God is sovereign over everything, I have a hard time buying it when I see how horrible people can be to one another. I mean, why would God allow people to kill one another if he could ultimately stop it? Eventually Jeremy got to the point where he asked if I'd rather not have free will. And I said "Yes". Yes, I would rather have no free will and walk around HAVING to be good if it meant that sin would never exist and people would never be hurt. To which Jeremy replied all too enthusiastically "Good! That's exactly what a Christian does! You surrender your will for Gods".

What the heck? Did I walk into some trap?! I started laughing partly because I had succeeded in getting him all riled up (he was actually standing up all animated while I was laying in bed) and also because he'd outwitted me and I had no retort. But of course I've been thinking about it ever since.

Then I read this blog today from Matt Miller at TerraNova who recently visited Toul Sleng Genocide Museum in Phnom Penh Cambodia, and it reminded me of our conversation. As I read his words, his description of the horrible things that happened in this place that he visited, the heaviness returned to my heart the same as it has in my conversation with Jeremy, though this time, it wasn't an imaginary act of evil that I was using for the sake of debate - it was real. And his response has more faith than I can sometimes muster in the face of such uncertainty.

"On the top floor of “Building 4″, they were showing a documentary about the genocide and I sat in the oppressive heat and watched until I felt light headed and claustrophobic. I heard the rumble of thunder outside and moved to the balcony as dark clouds rolled in. Soon other tourists filtered out onto the balcony to watch the storm. Jagged bolts lit up the sky and thunder cracked and rain poured down in magnificent sheets of water. I would be suspicious of any Christian who could walk through this place without deep doubt creeping into heart and soul. How do you reconcile this horrible place with an almighty, sovereign, and loving God? All the rain in the world could not make this place clean. The best I can do is to watch the lighting and hear the thunder and feel the rain on my face and take it as a reminder that He is present now and He was present then … even if at this moment, this place is beyond my own ability to reconcile."

dating.

2009-04-03T14:23:00.000-04:00

One of the greatest reliefs of being married is that the whole "dating" thing is over. No more wondering, "where is this relationship going?", no more forced RDT's (relationship defining talks), no more blank stares wondering "what is he thinking about?", or over-analyzing EVERY single detail of a night with my girlfriends and trying to use our crazy woman powers to interpret every little word, movement, breath to see if his affections match my own. I've got my man, and he's got me - forever!

But, there comes a time - which likely coincides with little feet invading your home - that you have to relearn to date your spouse. You have to remember what is was about that person that made you fall so madly in love with them in the first place, and you have to do all those little things for them that you used to do so easily. You have to relearn for him, and for yourself.

So Jer and I are finally dating again! And it's long overdue. We've spent plenty of date nights home together, but somehow the unfolded laundry or a restless toddler finds a way to crowd the couch we should be curling up in together. So we are going out, sans children, and trying to learn how to date each other again. There are no blank stares, or wondering what the other person is thinking, but there is a lot of cutting through the stress that life has piled up in your life and getting to the root of what made you drawn to each other in the first place.

Thankfully, it's still easy for us. It took us about a 1/2 hour reconnect and tackle unresolved tensions between us, but before long we were back to ourselves, talking freely and enjoying one another without any outside demands or distractions. We enjoyed a long dinner and I managed to score a free beer! We talked so long we missed the early movie we were going to, but neither of us really cared in the end.

I'm so thankful that God has not designed us to do life alone.

Oh, and that we have friends crazy enough to take in our 3 babies under 2 for a night. :)

someday!

2009-03-09T20:41:00.003-04:00

Someday I will...

- post regularly
- wake up before hitting my "snooze" three times
- write my biography
- finish our bathroom
- be less self-critical
- learn to love unconditionally
- be as patient with Jeremy as he is with me!
- take my kids hiking up Mt. Washington
- show them how to jump off a bridge without getting an enema
- travel to Tanzania to meet our Compassion Child James Elibariki Nnko!
- Sky dive?
- Learn Italian so I can travel to Italy (ciao bella!)
- take care of my parents to make up for my teen years :)

That's the short list...

More to come I'm sure.

loving when you don't want to

2009-02-12T10:42:00.002-05:00

I'll go ahead and get the things I have no trouble loving out of the way, because that's the fun stuff:

Jeremy. Obviously I have to list my husband, but I really think he is truly my soul mate. I feel like it's been so easy loving him these past 9 years and it's hard to remember my life before him. It's the little stuff: making me coffee everyday, turning over in the middle of the night and putting his arm over me, the ease of our many conversations throughout the day, how gentle he is as a father, silly jokes that only I get, and playing with my hair when we sit together.
My three munchkins. Oh how easy it is to love M, A, and J. I have only ever had foster children, but having had these children from birth, I now have no doubt that I love them as much as I would if they were my own biological children. If you doubt me, become a foster parent! You'll see :)
My family. I know we all like to brag on our families as being the greatest, but I'm sorry, I win. But seriously, I love how tightknit mine and my husbands families are, and consider ourselves uniquely blessed to have such great relationships and support.
Friends. It's so true, that good friends are hard to find. We've got just a handful of people from here to Miami that have loved us through thick and thin, laughed with us, prayed with us, and continue to be a foundation in our lives.
God. Saved the best for last. It's easy to love the creator of all things, well...most of the time. Unless things are not going well and I find myself saying, "really? you can't just fix that for me this once?" How selfish I am!

On to the hard stuff. I don't have any insightful commentary on loving your enemies. I really wish I did because I need it right now. I really feel God telling me to show love and kindness to those who have wronged me in some way shape or form, but it's really just not that easy. So, I rely on the words of Martin Luther King, Jr. taken from one of his sermons back in 1957. Now, HERE is a man, that knows the meaning of love.

Now there is a final reason I think that Jesus says, "Love your enemies." It is this: that love has within it a redemptive power. And there is a power there that eventually transforms individuals. That's why Jesus says, "Love your enemies." Because if you hate your enemies, you have no way to redeem and to transform your enemies. But if you love your enemies, you will discover that at the very root of love is the power of redemption. You just keep loving people and keep loving them, even though they're mistreating you. Here's the person who is a neighbor, and this person is doing something wrong to you and all of that. Just keep being friendly to that person. Keep loving them. Don't do anything to embarrass them. Just keep loving them, and they can't stand it too long. Oh, they react in many ways in the beginning. They react with bitterness because they're mad because you love them like that. They react with guilt feelings, and sometimes they'll hate you a little more at that transition period, but just keep loving them. And by the power of your love they will break down under the load. That's love, you see. It is redemptive, and this is why Jesus says love. There's something about love that builds up and is creative. There is something about hate that tears down and is destructive. So love your enemies.

Feel free to read the full transcript here.

truth of the day: "I don't know what I'm doing"

2009-02-10T10:55:00.002-05:00

It has finally happened. Or maybe it did months ago and I was too proud too acknowledge it.

All my experience from babysitting, nannying, etc. has finally run out and I am realizing that in fact I don't know what I'm doing afterall. Watching someone else's children 20+ hours a week may give you a great headstart to parenting, but it's just not the same as being with a child 24-7, or three for that matter! Why the sudden questioning of my own awesome parenting? Oh, I don't know, maybe it was the nightmare hours between dinner and bed last night, the random tantrums, throwing things, stealing toys and pinching. Maybe it's just that I think children deserve all our love and energy because God gave us this awesome priviledge of raising them for a brief time and we shouldn't take it for granted.

Bring on the parenting books! Yep, I'm doing it. I'm delving into some Christian parenting books, determined to not look back years down the road and think "If only I had known that then!".

So, help me out. I've got a short list, but I'm open to suggestions!

mommy adventures: sunday school edition

2009-02-09T12:59:00.002-05:00

Ok, so our kids are finally adjusting to the Sunday School drop off, but sometimes our church going experience reads more like an adventure novel than a soul renewing worship experience.

Take a few weeks ago for example:

We decided to go to the Saturday evening service at Grace Fellowship because a friend of mine was singing and on Sunday we were going to Christ Church because Jeremy was playing (double points for church twice?!). Anyhow, it all starts after nap time around 4pm. As if waking them all, dressing them, giving them bottles and changing diapers wasn't enough to accomplish in a half hour, add to it that every single one of them likes to messy their diaper AFTER they are fully dressed with coats and shoes and ready to head out the door. Anyone else with me on this one?

So after changing six diapers, we finally race out the door to beat THE CLOCK. Yes, the clock. Why? Because exactly 15 minutes after service starts, at 5:15pm, the doors to the nursery are locked, and our church going experience turns into us trying to catch Rex's message on the screens in the lobby inbetween chasing kids and feeding hungry mouths. Not fun, we've tried :). Thankfully, on this occasion we pull into the parking lot and notice that the little light on the door is still GREEN! That means go! Dodging churchgoers in the parking lot, we screatch to a halt in front of the doors and I quickly prop it open with one foot while waiting for Jeremy to hand me babies one by one. As I'm propping, a lovely volunteer comes to the door, locks it, but lets me remain there propping it as we unload our tiny entourage.

So we get in, drop the kids off to their respective classes with minimal fuss, and head into the service. Now this is where it gets exciting. All parents get these little sign in stickers that match the kids you dropped off, mine end in 46, 47, and 48. The mission is to NOT see your little number flash on the big screen indicating that one of your children is screaming so loud the choir can hear them. Crossing my fingers I stuff the little stickers in my pocket and hope for the best. I think we made it through about 10 minutes before I see the first number. I dash back through the sanctuary with that guilty/embarrased nod of "yes, that is my number up there" and darn, Jada just wasnt' having it in the nursery. So I pick her up, and bring her into the service with a large amount of random chew things, straws, cups, etc. Ten minutes later, another number flashes, so I hand off Jada to Jeremy, do the embarrased/guilty dash again, which is doubled because this number is ALSO mine,and run out to pick up Michael, who apparently never settled down from the initial drop off but they were holding out hope. We now have two toddlers in the service with us, ripping up bulletins and chucking straws. I expend so much energy into entertaining them so they don't become the loud kid, that I pretty much miss the entire message.

But hey, two out of three, not too bad!

P.S. Special thanks to all the nursery volunteers that love on our little guys every week - you are the best!

Update from Jer

2009-02-07T09:53:00.002-05:00

Jeremy posted an update on our church planting on his blog. Check it out!

Enjoy the weekend!

church planting!

2009-02-06T10:17:00.001-05:00

So we are diving head first into this church planting thing, whether we know what we are getting ourselves into or not is still unclear, but imagine my excitement when one of my favorite bloggers, featured a list of do's and don'ts on church planting today! Also psyched that they name dropped a guy we actually know, who I won't name drop here because I refuse to be like that :) But as if that wasn't enough, Pastor Rex is ALSO doing a feature on HIS blog about church planting! My state of joy almost matches what it did earlier this week when some potentially huge doors may have opened for us as far as church planting goes - more on that later.

Without further ado, here's are some highlights from Katdish, who wrote a guest post for my favorite blog:

So, why should you be part of a church plant? My simple answer is that you have exhausted every other option and prayed about it A LOT. If you're still up for it, then brace yourself. If you don't come by humility naturally (like I do), God will humble you like the 360 degree mirror on "What Not to Wear" (with Clinton and Stacey in the background as your accountability partners).

So, what are some dos and don'ts I can share with you based upon my vast year and a half experience with church planting? I've got roughly 197, but I'll try to keep it brief:

Do choose a pastor that has an absolutely sound, biblically based theology and a Christ-like attitude. If, say your pastor (we'll call him Steve) would like to name the church "TheHolyandDivineSpiritualHouseofStevePointe," he may lack the necessary humility to pull off leading a successful church plant. (Especially if his last name happens to be Pointe.)

Don't get bogged down with things that are more about tradition and personal preference such as using a worship eagle as opposed to an interpretive pop and lock dance set to Toby Mac's "Feelin' So Fly". Keep the main thing the main thing, but don't sweat the small stuff.

Do have a plan and a timeline for at least the first two years of your church. If you are receiving support from outside backers and other churches, it really bugs them when you say stuff like, "Que sera sera, Whatever will be will be", and then make a sweeping, full body twirl whist holding a flowing scarf in your hand. (Yeah, they really hate it when you do that.)

Read the rest at http://stufffchristianslike.blogspot.com

Ah, so there you have it. If you haven't caught the church planting bug, you should.

the shadow of His hand

2009-01-20T10:02:00.002-05:00

I'm at work right now but my mind is at home with my patient husband and three fussy babies. Days like this it's hard to be here, because the whole time I am thinking that I should be the one home with them and he should be out changing the world. I literally walked out the door and left him behind with three screaming children. He is so patient with them and trusts that this arrangement is only temporary, but it still breaks me sometimes. I work because for now it is how we support our family, but we have a vision for Jeremy returning to ministry full time at which point I will then be home (atleast part time). Until this vision is realized however, at times it feels like we are in a shadow of darkness.

Oswald Chambers describes it like this :

"Whenever God gives a vision to a Christian, it is as if He puts him in "the shadow of His hand" (Isaiah 49:2). The saint's duty is to be still and listen. There is a "darkness" that comes from too much light-that is the time to listen...When God gives you a vision and darkness follows, wait. God will bring the vision He has given you to reality in your life if you will wait on His timing." Read the full text here.

I love how Isaiah 49:2 puts it!

2 He made my mouth like a sharpened sword,
       in the shadow of his hand he hid me;
       he made me into a polished arrow
       and concealed me in his quiver.

It's as if we are getting impatient and wondering when God will finally use us for this thing He has created us for, and all the while God has been grinding out the imperfections and waiting for the perfect moment to bring us into battle.

Welp, Jeremy just called, and there are not crying babies in the background, and he is coming to my work to bring me clothes for a Yoga class I forgot I was taking, and he sounds like he is in a good mood. So that is nice. Maybe I can go ahead and get back to work now.

life sucks jesus saves

2009-01-13T22:46:00.006-05:00

There is this little old white nightstand that used to sit by my bed when I was younger. It had this neat V-shaped shelve in the middle of it that held my current favorite books, probably something by Beverly Cleary or else those Twin Valley High books that were so awesome back then.

During one of my pre-teen fits of self-despair, and probably after a boy I hardly knew dumped me for some other girl, I remember scribbling something on this little dresser with my nail polish. I remember it because it stayed there for years, and maybe even to this day if I knew where it ended up. It said "Life Sucks".

That's not the first time I felt this way, and not the last. I think I've learned to phrase it better, or sugar coat it with thought provoking words of wisdom and insight, but the truth of it still stings. No matter what we do, no matter how we phrase it, sometimes things will just be bad. Life will suck the energy out of you and you will feel like you are stranded in the sweltering waves of a hot desert, your mouth crack and dry, your body aching and fatigued, weary and yearning for relief.

But there is hope.

Jeremy and I are starting a new journey this year, one that may or may not bear fruit, but we are trusting in God and praying that He's with us no matter the outcome.

We'd love for you to join us on this journey.
www. lifesucksjesussaves.com

3 under 2

2008-12-07T20:39:00.004-05:00

People often ask me how we do it with three kids under two, and up until this point I'm always like, um, we just do it. I mean, I don't really know any different and you just figure it out. However, next time someone asks me how I do it without losing your mind, I think I will answer "I don't".

So the twins are finally walking...all over. And to be honest, I NEEDED this to happen. Imagine running to the car three times just to put each child in the car. Forget all the other trips I have to make back out because I forgot other things. Nightmare.

But now they are walking. And this was cool for about a week. And then came the "I can walk, so I can also throw myself on the ground screaming if you take away the cell phone I was playing with". Yeah, joyous.

All kidding aside, I am going insane. Nope, that was a joke too. My patience is actually growing, as are the list of hilarious things that happen in a house with three little ones. Like when they reprogrammed the home phone message to a bunch of baby blabbering. Or when we visit my parents and I put the boys to bed in the same playpen, and they spend the next hour in an ultimate restling/giggle fest. I especially love when they crack each other up for no apparent reason at all. Don't even get me started on bath time, how Jada manages to giggle so hard that she slides herself to the other end of the tub is just beyond me.

So that's why I haven't been able to blog lately. I'll work on it, I promise...but not at the expense of missing all these baby moments. I'll never get that back :)

P.S. What do you do when you are stuck home all weekend with sick babies? Make two batches of cookies! Try it, I promise it will make it all better!

anatomy of a shopping trip

2008-10-09T10:14:00.001-04:00

Much like my buddy Rachel I have been in a serious funk lately. I can't even get into all of it, but basically I feel like I'm the little ant and God's the big guy with the magnifying glass trying to scorch me. Ok, maybe that's a bit extreme. Anyhow, what makes me feel better when I'm down? Shopping! I rarely get to do this but last night Jeremy approved a meager budget of $50 to spend at Marshalls. And since he never understands how I can spend an hour at one store, I shall now explain it.

4:05pm - Jump in the car and head to Marshalls.

4:11pm - Run into Marshalls knowing full well the clock is ticking.

- Slowly walk through the kids Halloween costumes, remind myself to focus, and move on to shoes.

4:15 pm - Hit up the bargain shoe section. Why are there no size 9's? Do I have the most popular size in the world? Try on a few tall stilletos that I know I can never wear since my husband is only 2 inches taller than me and flips when I buy tall shoes. Settle on a pair of 8 1/2's with a shorter heal and toss them in the cart.

4:25pm - Browse through the regular shoes, nah, nothing here, don't need winter boots.

4:29pm - Ahh, Clearance clothes section. I start with the pants. Sizes I browse the full range from size 6-10. Find of jeans, and brown pants. Throw them in to try on later

4:40pm - Clearance tops. Again, browse everything from small to large. Find a few tops. Not satisfied - go through the all the racks again more thouroughly, pull out 3 tops to try on.

4:51 pm - Coats? Might as well look at winter coats. Oh, and clearance dresses. Coats are not on sale, and dresses look ancient.

4:55pm - Purses. Man, I could use a new purse. Something that can fit all my things but isn't too bulky. Try to find cute name brand stuff that isn't so trendy that it will feel outdated in two months. ARGH! Nothing within my little budget even though I go through the isles about 5 times wondering if I missed that perfect purse that was accidently marked down to $15.

5:08 pm - Time is short! I have to get to the dressing room! Sort through my stuff and pick out 8 things to try on. Call Jer in the dressing room to let him know I am wrapping up my trip.

Jeans fit great, as do a few shirts. Discard the rest and head out of the dressing room.

5:16pm - Think twice and retry on the brown pants. Nope, way to big.

5:18pm - Run to the check out while mentally adding up my purchases. Ditch the shoes because they throw me way over.

5:19pm - End up going over by $10. Final purchase: 1 pair of Jeans, and 3 shirts. One of which I think I will end up returning.

5:22pm - In the car and headed home.

Not feeling any better having gone shopping I convince Jer to go out to dinner which ended up being a good way to get out and talk.

So, that was my shopping trip. Maybe next time I will just buy a bar of chocolate.

gender confusion

2008-10-05T22:33:00.003-04:00

Today after church we headed to lunch as usual with the kiddies. We go to basically the same place every Sunday for several reasons:

1. We found the best waitresses there (Maggie and Danielle)...
2. ...who bring us plates of crackers and lemons to keep the kids entertained unti the food comes.
3. They have a great kids menu and know what we order every time.
4. They always seat us far enough away from other patrons so when Anthony throws his fries over his shoulders it doesn't hit someone.
5. Bottomless Pomegranate Ice Tea
6. Comfy booths
7. Close to home :)

Maybe Jeremy will come up with his own list. I'm sure there are things I left out.

So anyhow, we are having lunch today, chatting about the church service and the end of the world -not related - when this older gentleman walks towards us on his way to the bathroom. So he stops at our table and as Michael and Anthony shove fries in their faces he exclaims, "It looks like you girls are really enjoying your fries! How cute."

I wish I could describe the look of horror on Jeremy's face when this stranger mistook the boys for girls. Somehow, despite the fact that they were both wearing black athletic pants, brown sneakers, and red polo shirts this man mistook them for little ladies. I just laughed. "I think it was the braids," I told Jeremy - after realizing that an older white gentleman might not be used to seeing little boys with straight back braids. In any case, we had a good laugh (atleast I did). Meanwhile Jada was sitting there, dressed all in pink and white wondering, what the heck do I have to do to get noticed around here?

Good times.

C

dear mr. ramsey

2008-09-28T17:43:00.003-04:00

Dear Dave,

Your envelope system is fabulous. I finally broke the habit of swiping my little debit card every time I wanted to impulse buy. You are right - cash is better! Oh, and I even got rid of my cable, and lowered my phone bills. I also paid off some cards and haven't charged anything to credit in months. But I have one question:

How do I make SallieMae stop calling me?

With college loans that could buy a yacht, my little service to society job is not quite making the grade.

My husband tried negotiating with them and they hung up on him. Suggestions?

Respectfully,

Christi

death and grief

2008-09-27T00:51:00.003-04:00

I feel like I've been sleep walking for the past 4 months. I try to look back on time and can't seem to figure out where it has gone. It's as if I've been walking through a hazy fog, waking up, eating, going to work, back to sleep. I think back to a year ago, and the people that were once so present in our lives but now are gone, and it seems like another life entirely.

This past week I haven't been able to put thoughts of my cousin Jon and Jeremy's father out of my head. I keep replaying the events of May and the sudden deaths of them both within days of one another, and I can't seem to grasp the reality of it all. The traveling between NY and Miami, the hasty arrangements, the stacks of sympathy cards, and the painful goodbyes. It all is so final. I rechecked our phone ID the other day and realized that Jon's number had finally been bumped off our caller ID, no longer marking his last call to us on Mothers Day. A call I never recieved because we were in Miami with Jeremy's father.

I think of my father-in-law, and what a strong commanding presence he had, and how our children will only hear stories of the wonderful man who shaped their daddy into the father he is today. I think of holidays and family get togethers, and wonder what it will be like. I worry about my husband and whether or not he has really processed the whole event himself.

And yet there is a normalcy to life. The sun rises new every morning. The seasons keep changing. But sometimes I just wish it would stop for a little while. Or slow down just enough so I can feel like it's not trying to force me to keep up with it, and move on, and build new memories over the old ones. I want to sit a little longer, just as I am, without it thrusting me forward.

8 We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed. We are perplexed, but not driven to despair. 9 We are hunted down, but never abandoned by God. We get knocked down, but we are not destroyed. 10 Through suffering, our bodies continue to share in the death of Jesus so that the life of Jesus may also be seen in our bodies.
2 Corinthians 4:8-10

Are you dealing with grief?

And what the heck, 10 ways to change your attitude if you are like me and get yourself all worked up at 1am in the morning.

Blessings,
C

drunk pumpkin

2008-09-24T22:12:00.003-04:00

A few falls ago I carved out these cute little pumpkins into tea light holders. I was looking for the picture of them on my computer so I did a search in my pictures for "pumpkin". This is what I got. I can only assume that Jeremy put it there.

I'm sorry, that's just funny.

Blessings,
C

identity crisis or boredom?

2008-09-23T21:32:00.004-04:00

Number of times I've changed the design of my blog page in the past week: 5
Number of times I've had an identity crisis in the past week: 5

Alright, so I'm not really having an identity crisis. But having a new desire to write on a more regular basis, I have spent more time trying to figure out what I want my blog to look like. So, today it's purple. Yesterday, it was more pink. A few days before that, a subtle flesh color. But who really cares, doesn't everyone use Google Reader these days anyhow? If you don't, you should, it's the best thing since the Jesus Song (which I may or may not have watched 20+ times).

Lately I've been really trying to figure out who I want to be. Not just in theory but in practice. Jeremy made a comment a few weeks ago to me, suggesting that I was really rather insecure and didn't seem to know who I was. He went on to gently suggest that if I were to really figure out who I was and be confident in myself, he really felt that I could make a difference.

Um, was that supposed to be a compliment? "Honey, if you weren't so screwed up, you'd be awesome!" Well, I don't think that's what he really meant. As much as I tease my husband for not understanding women and how we think, I think he actually said something quite profound. Which is basically, that if I would just stop worrying what everyone else thought, and focus more on just living a life that is shamelessly following God, then maybe I could have some real impact.

The truth is, I worry about my hair, and my shoes, and saying the right things, and if anyone will notice that I wore the same outfit to church 2x in the same month. Oh, and that I didn't comb my kids hair, or my house isn't clean, etc. etc. Why? I'm not taking Paul's "be all things to all people" literally, I'm just living life based on others expectations and it can be exhausting.

So, now you know. I'm gonna try to stop doing things for you. Whoever you are. Maybe who I am in the inside will show up a little more, if I don't pay so much attention to who I am on the outside.

"Charm can mislead and beauty soon fades. The woman to be admired and praised is the woman who lives in the Fear-of-God."

Proverbs 31:30
The Message

Blessings,
C

apples and working moms

2008-09-22T21:24:00.003-04:00

What better way to ring in the fall then to go apple picking? Today I packed up the kiddies while Jeremy was at work and met some friends at the apple orchard. There is nothing quite like fresh picked apples for an afternoon snack. So now I've just got to try to muster some energy to make some pie or apple crisp out of them so they don't go to waste. Seeing as I have about 10 loads of laundry to fold however, I'm not sure you will smell anything baking in my house for a while. Which brings me to my top 10 reasons why I wish I were a stay at home mom:

10. I can wear my pajamas all day.
9. I can take naps during nap time.
8. I won't wait until my husband tells me he is wearing yesterdays underwear to actually do laundry.
7. I might start cooking dinner.
6. I can say "Hi honey! How was work?"
5. I can teach my kids to say "Apple" instead of them learning it from Baby Einstein. no, seriously.
4. No whiny co-workers
3. I can join all those mommy groups that make stay-at-home moms just as busy as working moms.
2. I won't have to take days off for appointments, doctors, sick days, etc.
1. Did I mention that I can wear my pajamas all day?

So that's my list for now. I'm sure I will come up with a new one soon. In the meantime, I will continue to attempt to be superwoman and work fulltime while maintaing a semi-clean house, cooking every now and then, loving my babies, and keeping my hubby happy :).

Blessings,
C

neighbors

2008-09-20T11:38:00.003-04:00

The other morning Jeremy and I were talking about how we could get more involved in our immediate community. Having lived in our current house for three years, we have developed a great group of friends through our church, but somehow don't know the people across the street. Actually, I met the daughter the other day at the grocery store and she recognized me as and we had a fun chat. Then later I realized that it was her little dog that has been sneaking through our fence to play with our dogs (we named him "widget"). But I don't really know them. I can tell you the daily activities of all my neighbors, who cares for their lawn the most, who walks their dogs, who has the most visitors, but I am embarrased to say I don't know most of their names. So this is what Jeremy and I were talking about: how to get to know our neighbors and be involved in our community in a way that we could have an impact.

So then yesterday I'm at this training update for work. It's through Cornell University and while there were a few of us from my agency, there were multiple agencies represented. Some people even came as far as NYC. So there was about 25 of us in all at the training, and as I get to talking to this other guy there I find out he lives in the same town as me. Then I find out he lives in the same neighborhood. And come to find out, he's about 6 houses down from mine on the adjacent street. Small world! I went home that day after giving my new neighbor a ride home from training, and was excited to tell Jeremy that we are one step closer to getting to know our community.

So...do you know your neighbors?

don't be mad

2008-09-16T23:03:00.006-04:00

Jeremy always gets frustrated when he has to wait for me to come up to bed. This means two things.

1. I really do need to be more disciplined about getting to bed on time.
2. My husband is awesome because he insists that we go to bed at the same time. (Insert small throw up in mouth here because we are so cute ;)

So honey, don't be mad at me, I'm just really excited to put up some pictures from the summer. Soon I'll be putting up pictures of fall!!

We pretty much lived at the park and walked alot. It was great. Jada got braids, the boys got busier, it was fun.

Ok, headed to bed.

Blessings,
C

and a few things

2008-09-15T08:58:00.003-04:00

I don't know about other bloggers, but some days I find myself wanting to write about everything under the sun. How hot and muggy the weather was yesterday, how tough it is getting three children to church on time by myself, how I love napping on Sunday afternoons, the waste-of-life movie I stayed up till 2am watching the other night, etc. So I suppose it's time for another bullet point blog highlighting stuff I want to blog more about but don't have the time. Enjoy.

Things I enjoyed this summer:
- Camping in Hopeville! (ok, I did blog about that one)
- Sitting by my moms rock garden with the spitting frog fountain
- Walks in Central Park, and the Concerts on Sunday nights
- Swimming with Jada in the pool
- Warm mornings

Latest books:
- "I became a Christian and all I got was this lousy T-shirt"
- "Mudhouse Sabbath" by Laura Winner
- "Dangerous Wonder" by Michael Yaconelli (reading in small group)

Current indulgence:
- McD's Sweet Ice Tea and Warm Chocolate Chip Cookies ($1 each!!)

On Budgeting:
- Envelopes aren't that bad
- Dollar menus are awesome
- You really don't need to spend as much as you do, really
- Craigslist is the budgeters heaven

On family:
- Twins are hilarious. Where else can you get constent entertainment for free? I mean, two kids don't fit on one high chair, or do they?
- I love little girls. Dresses, pink, braids, bows - you name it I love it.
- Husbands should make you laugh. Like last night when Jeremy got up out of bed to demonstrate the wrestling moves he pulled on some kids when he got in fights in elementary school. He had me laughing so hard I cried. My husband fighting? It's not what it sounds like, it's way funnier.
- Grandparents are amazing. They all seemed to turn 75 this year and I am so thankful to have them around to celebrate life with. Endless wells of knowledge and wisdom.

On blogging, my new favs:
- Ragamuffin Soul
- Stuff Christians Like

On the unknowns:
- I'm getting pretty use to not knowing what tommorrow holds, and am getting comfortable with it. It stretches your faith, and can be really exciting if you don't let it stress you out.

Welp, there it is. Everything I've wanted to blog but haven't. Except for pictures. I'll put some more up soon.

Blessings,
C

Still a thumb sucker

2008-09-09T21:35:00.002-04:00

Today when I came home from work I felt the distinct cold chill of the impending fall season coming through my windows. For the first time in months I grabbed a sweater and some socks before settling in for the night. It was kinda exciting. Cool weather means apple orchards, hot apple cider and donuts, pumpkin patches and corn mazes. Oh how I love the change in seasons.

But it comes at a cost. I'm also quite nostalgic and can get lost in memories of seasons past. I feel like there has been a lifetime packed into this past year, and even this summer. Many joys, but also many sorrows.

We said Goodbye to Domieian one last time this past Saturday. He is moving down to Virginia area with his family to start fresh. I am so happy for them and am sure they will do well. But I cried almost the entire time at the train station before they left. This little boy that I raised for the first year and a half of his life was so big, and happy, and well adjusted. Oh, and he still sucks his thumb. I look forward to keeping in touch with his family, and although Jeremy and I may have been a passing memory for him, he will always be present in my heart and thoughts.

First day!

Comfy with Jeremy

Last Summer in Miami

At the Train Station (ignore my slicked back hair, we rushed out of the house to meet them at the station and I may or may not have showered yet and/or put on yesterdays clothes)

Blessings,
C

political rhetoric

2008-09-05T22:29:00.004-04:00

Yep, I'd vote for her. Here's just a few reasons why:

She is passionate, articulate and inspiring.
She is outspoken about her faith and convictions.
She fights for the unborn.
She is a role model and mentor to young women.
She thinks outside the box.
She is not afraid to confront opposition and stand up for injustices.
She is nurturing and motherly.
She is relatable and down to earth.
She has been married for over 20 years and has strong family values.
She supported her 17 yr old daughters decision to keep her baby.
Her initials are SP.

And she is my mom, Susan Parker.

Who did you think I was talking about? ;)

back from camp

2008-08-25T10:02:00.005-04:00

Saturday we returned from a family camping trip in Connecticut. It's amazing to me that I am now bringing my family to the same campground that I went to when I was a kid. And even more amazing that this is the same place that my grandmother took my mother to when she was little! As much as I love exploring new places, it's also comforting to go back to the same place year after year, and reflect on not only how much the campground itself has changed, but how we all have changed and grown over the years.

This year seemed to be the "baby explosion" year. Our campsites looked like a daycare came by and threw up all over the place. Babies and toys abounded. On the way home Jeremy and I laughed at ourselves for bringing our books and magazines. Our trip was anything but leisurely. We did manage to create a few fond memories however.

Here are some highlights:

night time convos

2008-08-02T01:13:00.005-04:00

Welp, it happened again.

11:35pm in bed lights out

Me: Honey, you still awake?

Jeremy: (mumbling) uh, sorta

Me: Good, can I tell you real quick something that happened at work today? I totally forgot to tell you but it was really cool and I just lay here and think about all the conversations of my day, and anyway, can I tell you quick or are you too tired?

Jeremy: (faining interest) um, ok

Me: So today I was talking to a co-worker and ...(proceeds to tell story that I think is 1 minute but more like 5)...so anyway, I think I encouraged her to go to church, isn't that cool?

Jeremy: (no response)

Me: Honey?

Jeremy: oh yeah, that's great honey, ok goodnight.

Me: I know you're tired, I just get so excited about stuff at night (now talking to myself) and I don't have anyone to share it with, so anyways, goodnight! Thanks for listening.

I don't know what my deal is. I can't seem to go to bed at night, and I can't seem to wake up in the morning. I lay in bed, my mind racing as I process the thoughts of the day. It amazes me how quickly my husband falls asleep when he lays down. It's like there is a switch on his ear that goes "foink" the moment his head hits the pillow and it propels him into deep REM full snore sleep.

I on the other hand am left awake with my thoughts, or a book. And then in the morning when he wakes early to have some coffee and read, I am rearranging all bedding and pillows for optimum comfort and to strategically block out every possible ray of sun so as not to disturb my sleep.

Maybe one of these days we will get on the same schedule. In the meantime, I'll have a lot of stories to share on the internet - it stays up all night!

Blessings,
C

tips for the first 8

2008-07-30T21:19:00.004-04:00

Yesterday Jeremy and I celebrated our 8 year anniversary. I was inspired by his recent blog on the subject and decided to add my own thoughts.

For some reason I am much more reflective this year than I have been on previous anniversarys. In fact, I don't really remember last years anniversary, or the year before, but this one really sticks out. I suppose it is in part due to the fact that we have recently lost several family members and life seems a little more precious, or perhaps it is simply because 8 seems really close to 10, which feels like a big year. Anyhow, here are my tips for your first 8 years of marriage.

Year 1 - Enjoy the making up after the fights, there will be many this year. Also find more mature couples to help you in your new journey!

Year 2 - Now that you've taken a break from yelling, start learning your love languages and practice!

Year 3 - If you are still trying to change your spouse, stop now! They need to know you love them for who they are, not who you want them to be.

Year 4 - Cut back on the things you've let slip into your schedule, and refocus on having fun together.

Year 5 - Start helping younger couples, you will learn alot and appreciate how far you have already come. Oh, and take a trip for this anniversary, it's an important milestone!

Year 6 - Communicate, Communicate, Communicate. Don't fall into complacency and not nurture your friendship.

Year 7 - Don't itch! You are doing great and should be! You've accomplished some great things together but have so much more to look forward to - keep dreaming together.

Year 8 - Reassess your goals. Maybe you're not where you want to be, but if you have been faithful to one another you are likely where God wants you to be :-)

Yep. That's it. Happy loving!

Rest

2008-07-13T16:26:00.003-04:00

I remember swinging in a rope hammock in my Uncles old backyard during one of many family get-togethers. My eyes are closed and I'm not sleeping, but I know by keeping them shut I will be left alone to just swing and enjoy the breeze. One of my older relatives walks by and makes a comment about how cozy I must look and I know that for a moment my relatives admire my small 5 year old frame snuggled in the hammock, and reflect on the simplicity of childhood. I can hear younger siblings and cousins voices echo around me as they run in circles, laugh and play. I hear the many conversations of all the adults lingering about, conversations which I will listen to briefly before abandoning them in favor of my own thoughts. I can smell the fresh scent of summer, the aroma of newly cut grass mixed with the poignant odor of a fiery grill. And I am at rest.

I remember laying in my sleeping bag at Hopeville Pond under the thin veil of stretched nylon surrounding me on all sides. The rain dances above me in a rhythmic pattern as it drums the tent. I am fully awake, but the last to rise on this and many other mornings. I breath deeply the smell of rain as it breaks to let in the fresh blueberry pancakes on the grill and my mothers morning cup of coffee. Sounds echo through the tall pine trees sprinkled through the campground, and I can hear children already riding around on bikes, babies crying, and mothers yelling across campsites warning their children to not wander. If I could suppress my hunger and desire to seek out adventure, I could lay here all day.

Today I lay on the couch in my living room. It is still a little stiff, not quite broken in, but it is all I need to steal a few moments of rest. The moist air brushes past the white window curtains, tossing them gently aside. I hear cars passing by on the street, and my husband tinkering about, finishing his afternoon projects. I smell a familiar scent, one mixed with the memories of summers spent outdoors, and the comfort of being surrounded by family. The musical mobile hanging above Jada's crib lets out a few faint notes before ending it's song, and I fall into a deep slumber.

"Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly."
Matthew 11:29-30

j0n

2008-06-27T23:58:00.008-04:00

This is one of those blogs that you know that at some point you have to write, just to get out the words, and the thoughts...if only for yourself.

I don't think I will ever forget the feeling I had when on our way back from visiting Jeremy's family in Miami my sister told me over the phone that she thought my cousin Jon had killed himself. I will never forget the terror in her voice as she tried to get the words out, through screaming frantic cries for me to help her know what to do. I won't forget the hour that I waited until I finally spoke with my anguished father in Jon's apartment and he confirmed the horrible news. I will not forget the following three hours that I spent weaping until we arrived at my mothers house and I could embrace Jon's mom, and my own mother and father.

I will never forget Jon.

He had a tough exterior, but underneath a soft and tender heart. He smoked like a chimney, drank like a sailor, cursed like a trucker and had a couple tattoes to boot. But no one that knew him was fooled by the toughness he portrayed. Jon loved his nieces and nephews and was so proud to be an uncle. His was insightful, reflective, and thoughtful of others. We spent many weekends with him, laughing, joking, and enjoying life. I recently wrote about one of our weekends at my uncle boos.

Here are some of my other favorite memories of Jon in picture form:

A few years ago we were watching my sister Erica's daughter Kaylee while she went on her honeymoon. Jon was living at my parents house at the time where Erica also lived with Kaylee. Needless to say, Kaylee had a special place in Jon's heart and so when she was staying at our house he surprised us at 7 am by coming over to make breakfast for her. When I say surprised, I mean he snuck in our house and I thought he was a burglar until I smelt eggs cooking :-) The next picture is him and Kaylee later that day. This is one of my favorite photos and it's on our fridge. I think he's talking to Erica on the phone.

This is at Hopeville Pond camping a few years ago. We had been bridge jumping and on the way back Sam and Jon where in one canoe and raced Jeremy and I in the other. This was the year of the "autoloader", a bonfire that fed itself firewood, and also the year that Jon and I jumped in the lake sometime after midnight with a huge fishing net trying to catch "Sphincter" the giant snapping turtle. Jon of course was wearing army boots while I jumped in barefoot. We might have caught him had I been wearing the appropriate footwear.

Jon saved a bunch of money by coming to Casa de Christi to get his haircuts. Whenever some time had past in between cuts, I always started with a mohawk. This is one of many mohawks :)

This is the last weekend we were all together at my parents house in April. Jon was having a blast coaxing my nephew Keller through the mudpuddles that littered my parents yard. We even have a video of him pushing Keller on the boogie board through the mud and my Grandfather commenting on how Jon will be the next Uncle Boo - my own adventurous crazy Uncle who coaxed us all to do wild things as we were growing up.

A few weeks ago, Jon's mom, Jeremy, Erica, Kaylee and myself visited Jon's grave in the national veterans cemetary in Saratoga. There was only a marker for his grave as the stone was not yet finished, and there was only sand over his and the other newly dug graves. Erica explained to Kaylee, who is only 3, as best she could that this was where Uncle Jonny is buried. We stayed for a while and admired the beauty of the cemetary, the green hills, the trees, the rows of American flags, and talked about Jon, and wondered what the stories where of the other veterans buried nearby.

As we were standing there, we noticed that Kaylee was crouching on the ground, and slowly stroking a few fingers through the fresh earth in a long line over Jon's grave. After a few moments Erica finally asked Kaylee what she was doing. Without looking up Kaylee answered "I'm trying to find Jonny." Then after a short pause "Mommy, can you help me dig?"

There wasn't much said after that. After basking in the beauty of the area, a young childs struggle to comprehend the death of a loved one brought us back to reality.

I've found that death seems to bring about alot more questions than it does answers. I won't really ever understand why despite all our love, Jon was still hurting so much that he decided to take his own life. I will never understand why this happened within the midst of Jeremy losing his own father. I will never understand.

But of this I am sure of...

God is still God. He is the God of the entire universe and is in control. He is with us when we cry, hurt and scream in anguish. He is ready to comfort us and hold us. And when the time is right, He is ready to give us the strength to continue on if we will only come to Him.

I'll leave you with the verse that I use time and time again, but having written it in the bible that Jeremy and I gave Jon that was found near his body, it holds new meaning to me.

"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full"
John 10:10

May you have life, and have it to the full.

<3
C

lazy sunday

2008-05-04T16:42:00.005-04:00

It's Sunday afternoon and my house is quiet. Jeremy is in Miami for the weekend to speak at a church, and all three babies are sleeping...for now. Ignoring the mess around me from the morning rush to church, and also ignoring my strong desire for a nap, I am stealing a few minutes to myself to blog. Here's what's on my mind:

1. My heart is content. We went to Domieians 2nd birthday party last weekend. I can't believe he is two! He's gotten so big, and is as cute as ever. I wasn't sure I would ever recover from Dom leaving us in October. But time has a way of healing things, and over the months I am more thankful, and less sad. He definitely remembered Jeremy and I, and would run over to us and give us food, or point out objects he knew, and when we gave him a new truck he ran over to Jeremy and said "open!". It was so great to see him doing well with his family and we left with warm hearts.

2. Budgets aren't so bad. We've finally put ourselves on a strict budget and I like it. I feel so much more responsible and can't believe how much money we used to waste on things. Our church has just finished a series on stewardship - specifically on giving of your time, talents and treasures. All this budgeting has made me realize how much we all overspend, and how much we can cut back - even in the midst of a bad economy - and give more where it's needed. So yeah, it's fun acting like a responsible adult.

3. This is my life. Was reading through a friends facebook qoutes and stumbled upon this little gem that describes my life:

...but playing your music as loud as you want and coming home drunk aren't real life. Real life, it turns out, is diapers and lawnmowers, decks that need painting, a wife that needs to be listened to, kids that need to be taught right from wrong, a checkbook, an oil change, a sunset behind a mountiain, laughter at a kitchen table, too much wine, a chipped tooth, and a screaming child.

Donald Miller from "To Own A Dragon"

Welp, it has taken me a full 5 hours to finish this post in between getting babies up from naps, changing them, feeding them, bathtime, reading, and finally bed. Don't be surprised if I don't post again soon ;-)

self-worth

2008-04-14T21:55:00.003-04:00

me: So did you know that Rick Warren is the Commencement speaker for Gordon College graduation this year?

jeremy: Huh, no way. Who was the speaker at your graduation?

me: I don't know, but I bought his book. Who was yours?

jeremy: Um, Marv something or other. Marv Albert.

me: Marv Albert?

jeremy: Yeah, you know, Marv Albert...DOCTOR Marv Albert.

me (laughing): Doctor Marv Albert? Don't you mean Marv Wilson? Who the heck is Marv Albert?

jeremy (cracking up): haha, a basketball commentator. Haha.

me (dying laughing): Yeah, I'm pretty sure he wasn't your commencement speaker.

I realized the other day that albeit for my husband and his affirming humor and all of our inside jokes, I am really quite a loser. I think we think each other is cool and somehow that is enough for both of us. It's nice to have someone that gets your jokes, and laughs even if they aren't funny, and thinks you are neat. For this I am thankful. No one else may get my worth, but as long as my husband values me, then somehow this sustains me daily.

I wish I were like this in my faith. I wish that I could really say that at the end of the day, as long as God affirms me, I am ok. Unfortunately I still concern myself with what others think - even my husband. Ah, to live to please no one other than the Creator. How freeing this must feel. It will be something I will constantly strive after, but never quite attain.

Welp, I am atleast thankful that while on this journey of messy spirituality I have people around me to encourage me and make me laugh. Even if it's at their own expense.

Doctor who?

March Madness

2008-04-07T20:43:00.002-04:00

Jeremy asked me if I would be his guy friend tonight and watch the basketball game with him. I am reluctantly playing along and will soon eat wings and pretend I know what happened in the game when he jumps out of his seat and yells " OH MAN! NO HE DIDN'T!" This should be interesting. Not that I don't love sports, it's just hard to sit down and do anything these days without the urge to get work done since there is always something to do. Did I add that I am going to wear his clothes so I look more like a guy tonight? Haha, just think about it.

So here are all the things I would have blogged about recently but didn't:
- Welcomed Michael and Anthony's baby sister Jada into our home on February 26th! This makes 3 babies under 1 year old in our humble home, which is approximately 17 diaper changes a day, 15 bottles, and endless excitement.
- Had a birthday and am closer to 30. This is fun for me. 30 will be cool.
- Went to New Jersey for Easter and visited my little sister and her awesome family. Saw God at work in her life.
- I learned how to braid the boys hair and it looks sweet.
- Did I mention that I love Jada to death?
- Speaking of death, found a mouse in my washing machine...after I had washed the clothes.

That's a decent update for now.

Here are some happy photos of favorite little guys.

Blessings,
C

ocean view

2008-02-12T22:55:00.000-05:00

This past weekend Jeremy, the boys and I headed to Connecticut to visit family for my Grandfathers birthday. This February trip has become an annual event that I always look forward to. I'm not sure if it's because it breaks up the time between Christmas and Easter, or if I just enjoy visiting my extended family that much. Whatever the case, I am always guaranteed to have a good time.

We stayed at my uncle and aunts house, who is an avid antique collector. I usually spend several hours of my stay looking through old books in his house or other random objects and am fascinated by the way people used to live. Anyhow, we thought we would hunt for some old objects of our own by the ocean with my uncles metal detector. Apparently some pirate used to bury treasure somewhere along the coast and so you can imagine the visions of riches we had. After searching for several hour and only coming up with bottle caps and broken pieces of metal. We finally found something of worth.

It was really cold that day but the boys didn't seem to mind all bundled up on our backs. Anthony ended up sleeping most of the time. Later on we met up with the rest of the family for one of my Grandfathers favorite activites - bowling! We reserved four lanes and had quite the afternoon. Not much of a bowler, I managed to score a 99 my first game. AND THEN - something inside kicked in and I started off my second game with four strikes in a row! I ended up with a 182, which must be a personal best. My grandfather still beat me, but I think I made him proud :-)

Welp, the rest of the weekend consisted of some horrible Quentin Tarantino movies (which we still managed to laugh at), plenty of snacks, and alot of ridiculous humor care of jonathan, jeremy and boo. Bummed to be back home, but excited because I will have another niece by this time tommorrow night! Yippee!

facelift of the interior kind

2008-02-04T22:30:00.000-05:00

What a weekend. Our living room got a serious facelift. What started as an innocent trip to Lowe's turned into our very own edition of extreme home makeover.

I'll spare the major details, but the short of it is that I stole the colors from my mothers house, learned the glory of painting a fireplace, the rigor of painting ceiling beams, and realized that Huck Finns is awesome. Oh yeah, and I owe everything to my husband who actually did all the work ;-).

Here's the product:

I really wish we had a good before picture, but the walls were a funky grayish color, all the trim and ceiling beams were dark stained wood, and the fireplace was ugly brick. Here's a photo of one of our former foster children using Bandit as a horse, that gives you an idea though.

And just for fun, here's the scene I walked into one morning after I thought Joey was playing peacefully in the room. Or not.
P.S. Daiper Rash Cream does not come out of carpets.

Off to Connecticut next weekend! Will post pictures when we return :-)

late night reading

2008-01-15T11:30:00.001-05:00

Last night I finished "Echo Park" by Michael Connelly. I understand that this may not be the most riveting topic to write about after a several week absense from posting, but considering that I was only on page 30 something when I began reading at 8:30, and then finished the rest of the 457 page novel before going to bed is worth noting.

I'm not quite sure what compelled me to do such a thing. Around 10:15 Jeremy and I actually headed up to bead, did our devos, and then as Jeremy began watching Bob Ross masterfully paint his happy trees I continued reading my book. This new book reading habit at night instead of watching TV was intended to help us go to bed earlier. I tend to watch TV longer and so I thought reading would help me fall asleep better - not so.

I mean, Harry Bosch (main character) had just started interviewing the the alleged murderer in an investigation that had haunted him for 13 years, and I knew there was a twist coming, so I just kept going. Welp, I got through the entire book, heavy eyes and all. I wish I could tell you what time I finally finished - 2, 3, 4 am? But after a certain time at night I flip my clock over so I can't read it. It's my way of mentally tricking myself into thinking that maybe I got more sleep than I really did. For instance, maybe I am a speed reader and went to bed by 1am (doubtful) in which case I got a good 5 hours of sleep. More likely I didn't go to bed till 2 or 3, and probably clocked a mere 3-4 hours of rest. Mentally I like to think I slept 5 hours :-).

Also of note was that at some point in the night Jeremy started laughing out loud in his sleep. This happens often, but is particularly funny when I am awake to listen to it. Sometimes he wakes up right away and tells me what was so funny that he was dreaming about, but I had to wait until the morning to hear the story this time - and yes, it was in fact funny.

Well Michael Connelly, you have succeeded as an engaging author, but have failed to help me fall asleep on time. I will need to move on to some lighter material tonight and am open to suggestions :-)

best christmas gift

2007-12-27T12:16:00.000-05:00

I have called Domieians birth father and step mother almost weekly since he transitioned home to live with them in early October to see how things are going. They always answer my calls, and are always willing to give me the latest update on Dom and what new thing he has learned. It is always calming to speak with them, and hear him babbling in the background.

We haven't seen Domieian since he left, and though I have had dreams of visiting him, his new family was not ready for us to come see him yet for fear that he would be confused. Last Thursday when I called for an update, I finally heard those words: "We are ready for you and Jeremy to visit Domieian". Oh if I could describe the anxiety, joy, fear, and anticipation that I experienced all in that one moment. My stomach knotted up, and I had that funny little ball in my throat that you get right before start crying, and I began thinking of what gifts I would bring for him, what he would look like, and if he would remember us?

Thursday night Jeremy and I faced the crowds to go shopping to buy Christmas gifts for Domieian. I was so nervous as I tried to make sure to get the right size clothes, and pick out a perfect toy he would like. Wow, is this what parents go through every year?? I can't believe how nervous I was that I would get the wrong thing! A new outfit, Nike shoes, and a toy truck later, we left the mall feeling successful.

On Friday Jeremy and I packed up the twins and set out to visit Dom in his new home. We were warmly greeted by his new stepmother and she welcomed us into the family room where Dom had just fallen asleep on the couch. He looked taller, and very peaceful. When she woke him, he seemed a little confused at first, but sat on my lap without a fuss, and didn't seem to mind as I carefully looked him over, stroked his hair, stretched out his fingers, and held him close. He didn't sit long before he noticed his gifts and intently pulled them onto the couch and began tearing them open. In true toddler fashion he gave great attention to every shred of wrapping paper, and as soon as he had ripped a piece off, he ran to the kitchen to throw it away. When he opened his new shoes, he took them out of the box and brought them to his stepmother and at that moment it was clear to me that he has made a successfull transition into his new home, and has built a healthy and trusting bond with his mother.

The rest of the visit including more opening gifts, playing chase through the house, pointing out objects he knew, looking at the photo album we gave him and lots of good conversation and laughter. I didn't get emotional during the visit, nor when we left an hour later to go home.

On the drive home I replayed the visit in my head over and over and began wondering why I felt such a sense of peace. I am no longer "mommy" to Dom, and I don't get to lay him down at night, or wake him in the morning, and at times this has been a great source of pain. But if anything, I left feeling selfish for all the times I have mourned over this child instead of being excited for him to be with his family. I was struck by the sense of entitlement I have had, and self pity that he was no longer with me, instead of experiencing joy that I was allowed to be his mother, even if for a time. And I think finally, having gone through some of my grief, and then seeing him doing so well, I began to feel peace.

I have learned a great many things from this experience with Dom, about being faithful, growing through pain, and most importantly - trusting God.

Trusting God with the outcome of our situations, trusting God to protect us, to take care of us, to reveal His will in His time. I wrote a friend recently and expressed my frustration in trying to figure God out, and her response was "Then don't!" The truth is that God's real purpose may not be revealed to us in this lifetime. We will be called to obediently walk through our circumstances, faithfully following the path laid before us, and having to trust that although we don't know "why", we know the "what".

Abraham was told to bring Isaac to the mountain as the offering though he didn't know why. Mary was told that she would raise the son of God, but didn't know the outcome. Throughout the bible there are stories of God's people obediently following a path laid before them, without knowing where it would lead or what obstacles and pain they may face on the way.

I guess that's how it is with us. We are following this path, and while I don't always get to see the master plan, I was thankful to get a glimpse of it this past week in visiting Dom. Knowing what heartache it has been for us, but then what a joy it was to see him at home with his family, I see how it can all fit into God's greater purpose. I know I won't always get to see how things work out for God's glory, but am thankful that this Christmas I was able to.

christmas recount

2007-12-26T14:22:00.000-05:00

Had our annual Parker Christmas party this past weekend at my parents house. Here are the numbers:

Grandparents: 2
Parents: 2
Siblings: 4
Sibs in law: 3
Aunts: 3
Uncles: 2
Cousins: 9
Nieces: 2
Nephews: 3

Total: 30

That's right folks, 30 family members for a weekend packed under the same roof, same time, every year - and it's grand.

Of course, the obvious question is "what exactly do you DO that whole time". Well, lots of things, we have a yankee swap gift exchange, an auction, sometimes a pinata for this kids, we build snow men, have snow ball fights, and we always top of the evening by burning something.

Well, this year my father, wanting to exercise his new snowblower, decided to snowblow the backyard (yes, the backyard) in one giant crop circle. This left a gigantic mound of snow piled up in the middle of my parents back yard about 5 feet high and probably 10-15 feet in diameter. While at first we all laughed at the absurdity of snowblowing your backyard into a ginormous pile, we quickly learned how much fun huge mounds of snow can be!

Consider, this mound soon turned into an igloo, a sledding hill with steps going up, and wall to hide around during snowball fights, a climbing mountain, and most importantly - a stand upon which to place a teepee like figure for burning later on.

I will attempt to add video later, but for now, here is a glimpse of the snow mountain.

horrible driver and shameless promotion

2007-12-18T21:21:00.000-05:00

I have an addendum to my previous blog on reasons why you are a better driver than me.

5. Ran out of gas on the way home tonight on Route 5...with babies in the car, during busy traffic, and p.s. it's freezing outside.

Here are the excuses:
1. My fuel light didn't come on.
2. Even though the pointer was below zero I was still waiting for the fuel light and thought I could make it.
3. I am an idiot.

Alright, forget number three. I really was just waiting for the fuel light and in its absence assumed that I MUST have more gas. And yes, apparently it is broken.
Alas, my husband the hero came and rescued his damsel in distress within minutes - after of course taking the opportunity to engage full hyena laugh on the phone. The laugh of course was in vindication after I used his car and left it on empty only days ago, causing him to hike home and back, gas can in tow, after HE ran out of gas on the road as well. I think we will be fixing the gas light soon.

Speaking of husbands hyena laugh, we are fervently praying for a new job in full time ministry for Jeremy that will allow:
- exercise in areas of gifting (preaching, teaching)
- communication (developing, creating and enhancing the media with which we communicate the Gospel)
- flexibility to continue Seminary (starting January)

In the meantime, our back up plan is Starbucks, or maybe something that includes free buffalo wings. Actually, Jeremy has perfected his own home made buffalo wing recipe that has saved us generously in funds. Though, I don't know that it has benefited High Bridge Pizza with whom we had a personal tab with until we began to fry chicken from home. Maybe we will open up our own wing place..."J and C Wings". I think it has a nice ring to it.

So, here's an invite - call us up if you want to partake in this new deliciousness, you will never want to order out again!

Oh, and if your little pointer is below zero fuel but your light is not on, you may want to fill up just in case.

marshmallows and criticism

2007-12-13T22:58:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was a tough day for me. I was confronted with some things that I need to work on and this is never easy for me. I have been realizing what motivates me, and quite often it is the fear of correction. I remember being in about 2nd grade in the lunch room, and I was talking during "quiet time" (big surprise) and I was told by the lunch monitor to go stand on the wall. This was of course the customary punishment. Instead of taking my spot on the wall I sat there and burst into tears between silent sobs. I was so embarrassed for being called out that I just started crying. The monitor quickly saw my emotional state and decided that maybe addressing me was enough and didn't make me stand on the wall. This also happened when a "boyfriend" dumped me in seventh grade at a school dance, and I bursed into tears, and then subsequently called me a "marshmallow". I guess I wasn't getting in trouble, but I just felt like there was something about me that needed to be different.

I've developed a thicker skin since those days, but at my core I am still the same. I have learned to anticipate the corrections, and am motivated to do what I can to avoid it. When I meet with my boss for our weekly supervisions I am quick to lay my sins bare, before she is given a chance to correct me. I must be the easiest person to supervise! I'd rather identify on my own what I need to work on, rather than have someone point it out.

There is some criticism however that you just can't avoid and you are unable to identify on your own. There are times when flaws must be identified and called out, and we come face to face with our imperfection. And it's in those moments, as uncomfortable as they are, when we are most challenged to grow.

I had a day like that today. It was especially hard because it was not a very tactful confrontation or criticism, but nonetheless I needed to hear it. And it challenged me. It plagued my thoughts my entire drive home, and as I ate dinner. I had knots in my stomach as I went to bed thinking about the conversations of the day, and the fact that I indeed do not have it all figured out. But I appreciate the challenge. I never get used to it, but I have learned to accept it and be thankful for it as part of God molding and shaping me into his image.

After all, imagine having nothing to improve, being perfect, flawless. Now that is a pedestal I never want to stand on.

18And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect ^[a] the Lord's glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit. Corinthians 3:18

fruits

2007-11-30T21:35:00.000-05:00

I rarely blog twice, but was so humbled by this email I received today that I had to post.

Hey, I don't know if you remember me, but I went to Old Cutler Presbyterian back when I was in high school (like 5 years ago), and attended the youth group when you and Jeremy were working with it.

Anyways, I wasn't a Christian back then (far from it actually), but am now. It's interesting, but the one thing I really remember back from those days was you leading a girls Bible study and sharing a little bit about your testimony. I remember in your tearful talk you telling us girls to wait until marriage to have sex. It's funny, but I believe that one talk kept me from losing my virginity in college before I became a Christian.

So, I wanted to say thank you. You may not remember me, or may not have known it, but you touched my life and I am thankful for that. Now I am an adult leader for the high school youth group at my church, and am hoping to make a difference in their lives, as you have made a difference in mine.

It's amazing how God can use us in ways we would never imagined.

the great discrepancy

2007-11-30T18:28:00.000-05:00

This is what He has given us to do, this task here on this earth, not the task we aspired to do, but this one. The absurdities involved cut us down to size. The great discrepancy between what we envisioned and what we've got force us to be real. And God is our great Reality, more real than the realest of earthly conditions, an unchanging Reality. It is His providence that has put us where we are. It's where we belong. It is for us to receive it--all of it--humbly, quietly, thankfully.
-elisabeth elliott

Oh the absurdities! The many mundane things that fill our time. I find myself reminising on the grandour I envisioned for my life and the reality of the pile of clutter that actually is my life. For instance, the four loads of folded laundry stacked in my bedroom waiting to be put away, the overdue movies that Hollywood Video is pestering us about, the mess in the basement, the dog food under the steps, the pile of papers on my desk at work, etc. And I think to myself, is this what it's all about?

Yes, and no. Two things I am sure of: I will never be free of tasks which I don't like, and I have the freedom to choose how I respond to these tasks.

This isn't a "pray for your babies while you monotonously fold each piece of their clothing" philosophy, it's a "choosing to allow God to reshape you as you faithfully fullfill the duties of whatever post you have been called to". I don't want to work full time and also try to juggle being a good mother, wife, friend, housekeeper, etc. But for now, God has allowed me to be in a challenging place, and if I can recieve this -- humbly, quietly, thankfully -- I'm excited to see how he will grow me through this process.

Well, most of the time I'm excited. Alright, some of the time. Ok, let's just say I'm working on it.

For it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose.
-Philippians 2:13

93 minutes wasted

2007-11-25T20:55:00.001-05:00

I don't know if "wasted" begins to even do justice to what I happened to my precious time. "Swallowed into the eternal abyss", "painfully stripped", "destroyed with the devastation of a santana blaze" or "massacred" may better describe the moments lost while watching the movie "Deck the Halls".

I rarely say this but I do believe I am actually dummer since watching that movie. See? I just mispelled dumber - I rest my case.

I feel bad only because in general I like the actors in the movie, but seriously, what were they thinking? I will make this brief, but just to recap the torchure which is "Deck the Halls";

- plot: 0
- character development: 0
- ditsy blondes: 3 (so sad, not even funny any more)
- scenes ripped from National Lampoons Christmas; 4+
- cheesy lines: SO MANY!!

Kelly Finch: What is your favorite Christmas memory?
Steve Finch: You know what it is.
Kelly Finch: Tell me.
Steve Finch: I was 7, my dad and I moved to Alabama...and Christmas morning we ate on the floor, ate French fries and drank chocolate milk.
Kelly Finch: That's what Christmas memories are made from, they're not planned, they're not scheduled, nobody puts them in their Blackberry, they just happen.

- laugh factor: 1 for stupidity

I would recap the story line but I will waste even more time trying to figure out what it was. So in summary, compliments of rottentomatoes.com:

"Watching "Deck the Halls" is like getting a lump of coal in your stocking. Except receiving a lump of coal takes only seconds, while this awful movie goes on for an hour and a half."

Do yourself a favor this Christmas. Skip the new holiday movies. Watch the classics; It's a Wonderful Life, Miracle on 34th Street, A Christmas Story, the real National Lampoons Christmas, or even Elf. Better yet, skip movies all together and read a story together, back some cookies for a neighbor, or do some old fashion Christmas caroling.

After all, if you go the movie route, you risk losing your precious time and more importantly - your sanity.

on family

2007-11-21T21:28:00.000-05:00

On the eve of Thanksgiving it seems high time to weigh in on what I am thankful for (as cliche as it all seems). And in spite of all the wacky ways in which my little family keeps changing, I am most thankful for that very thing - my little ever changing family.

A year and a half ago my family consisted of Jeremy, myself and our two dogs. Then we added a little boy. Then a little boy left. Then we added another little boy. Then a little girl (a whole blog in itself). Then the little girl left. Then another little boy came. Then the little boy left. Then two little boys came. Did I lose you yet? We are up to 3 little boys, two adults, two dogs.

Then a little boy left - and here we are in our most recent family photo (minus the dogs).

Ah, the adventures of adopting through foster care. Despite our every changing family photo I wouldn't trade what we do for anything. I love these children that come into our family if only for a season. I love how it grows us and shapes us and allows us to be a part of something huge. I love how it brings out the best in both Jeremy and I and forces us to fully rely on God. All of this I am thankful for, despite the heartache that may accompany it.

"Though the sorrow may last through the night, Joy comes in the morning!"
-from the song Trading My Sorrows

the wait

2007-11-20T23:52:00.000-05:00

I saw an ad for a book recently entitled "What do you do with your wait?" by Mike Harder. In summary the book seems to discuss what we do when we are waiting on God for something - an answer to prayer, direction, calling, purpose etc.

I touched base with my girlfriend from Miami the other day who recently recieved an answer to prayer after years of waiting. Neither her nor her husband are US citizens. They live in Miami and have religious visas through the church they work for. She is German and he is Haitian, and while she is free to go home to visit her family in Germany, he has been unable to leave the country while waiting approval for permanent residency.

Imagine, they have been married seven years and he has been unable to visit her hometown, her grandparents, any extended friends or family. He has had to remain in the States while she took the children to visit her family. In the grand scheme seven years may not seem that long...but when you are waiting, just waiting, it seems to last a lifetime.

So now the wait is almost over. They received news that the papers have gone through and he will be able to travel about freely. It has inspired me to see them walk through this wait, adjust plans accordingly, with patience and trust in God's ultimate providence and plan.

I think about what I do with my "wait". How I respond in between the here and there. After all, is it really about getting to the place we want to be, or about the journey to get there? If it's about the place, then it seems when we get to Heaven God would just say "yep, here you are - way to go sport". Not so exciting.

I find myself getting so sidetracked on what it is I am looking for or waiting for, that I sometimes lose the lessons God is teaching me in the process.

I'm thankful for friends who inspire me to use the most of my "wait" and encourage me to take advantage of these times of uncertainty to seek God fervently, letting Him gently guide me and grow me. I am also thankful for friends who walk with me through the wait, providing laughter and relief in what would otherwise be stressful times ;-).

worst job

2007-11-14T21:52:00.000-05:00

Yeah, I didn't have the best day at work today. And just in case you were thinking that you have it bad...

Cheer up! You could be that guy :-)

truth about beauty

2007-11-11T10:43:00.000-05:00

Our pastor is doing a series on the Christ's return, and to highlight this weekends message about the Anti-Christ the theme was "truth and lies". It made me think of this Dove video that I've wanted to post for a while.

The video exposes some lies that the world teaches about beauty, and while I don't know much about Dove, I think the message is relevant.

"Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised."
Proverbs 31:30

fall behind

2007-11-09T15:08:00.000-05:00

As we drove through the winding back roads this morning, I realized the brightly colored leaves that once adorned the skyline where now scattered among the ground. Trees recently thick with rich reds, oranges, and yellows now stood bare and skeletal, preparing for the change of season and cold winter ahead.

I thought out loud and remarked to Jeremy, "I wish it would stay Fall, I'm dreading winter." This sentiment was further solidified as we drove past our favorite pumpkin patch and saw that the corn maze and pumpkins were now cleared out and empty, awaiting the many evergreens that would take their place.

While there are so many things I look forward to in the holiday season, it is always hard to leave memories behind and forge ahead, especially when the path seems dark and uncertain.

My mother sent me an encouraging verse when I spent my first month away from home working at a summer camp when I was sixteen. It reminded me then, as it does now, that no matter what season we are in God calls us to find joy in all circumstances:

"Though the fig tree does not bud
and there are no grapes on the vines,
though the olive crop fails
and the fields produce no food,
though there are no sheep in the pen
and no cattle in the stalls,
yet I will rejoice in the LORD,
I will be joyful in God my Savior."

Habakkuk 3:17-18

Here's a favorite fall memory!

Jeremy in the corn maze with Michael in tow.

call of God

2007-11-07T10:05:00.001-05:00

Another inspiring message from Elisabeth Elliot. It's amazing how much God teaches us through others.

Discerning the Call of God

As a little girl I especially loved the story of God's call to the child Samuel as he lay sleeping in the temple. I wondered if God would ever call me. Would I hear Him? What would He say? Throughout my growing years I read missionary stories and heard them told at our dinner table by guests from many lands who came to stay with us. I was always eager to know just how they were called. As a college student I worried much about whether I would fail to follow the Shepherd, would be deaf to His call. I thought it such a bewildering matter.

It is not a worry anymore. Experience has taught me that the Shepherd is far more willing to show His sheep the path than the sheep are to follow. He is endlessly merciful, patient, tender, and loving. If we, His stupid and wayward sheep, really want to be led, we will without fail be led. Of that I am sure.

When we need help, we wish we knew somebody who is wise enough to tell us what to do, reachable when we need him, and even able to help us. God is. Omniscient, omnipresent, omnipotent--everything we need. The issue is confidence in the Shepherd Himself, a confidence so complete that we offer ourselves without any reservation whatsoever and determine to do what He says.

What He says? But how shall I know that?

He calls us every day, "o'er the tumult of our life's wild, restless sea." He comes to us in the little things, in the ordinary duties which our place in life entails. When I was a child He called me. The duty which my place in life entailed was obedience to my father and mother. In school and Sunday School He called me through the teacher. What she said I knew I was supposed to do. In first grade (yes, in public school) we sang the hymn, "Father, We Thank Thee." The second stanza says, "Help us to do the things we should, to be to others kind and good, in all we do at work or play to grow more loving every day." God's call again.

It's alluring to think of our own situation as very complex and ourselves as deep and complicated, so that we waste a good deal of time puzzling over "the will of God." Frequently our conscience has the answer.

My friend Jim O'Donnell tells how he, a hard-headed, hard-hearted man of the world, found Christ. His conscience was awakened. The call of God was immediate: "Go home and love your wife." The change was so sudden and so radical, Lizzie could not make head or tail of what had come over him. This self-confident and self-interested man had quit living for himself. He had died. An altogether new kind of life was now his. The first difference it made was the difference that mattered most--in his private life. It was there that he began to obey.

We are not talking here about audible voices. Although people in Bible times often heard God speak, we can expect that He will usually speak today through conscience, through the written Word, through other people, and through events. Events themselves, the seemingly insignificant happenings of every day, reveal the will of God. They are the will of God for us, for while we live, move, and have our being here on earth, in this place, this family, this house, this job, we live, move, and have our being in God. He "pulls strings through circumstances," as Jim Elliot said, even the bad circumstances (see Genesis 45:8, 50:20).

Three questions may help to clarify the call of God. Have I made up my mind to do what He says, no matter what the cost? Am I faithfully reading His Word and praying? Am I obedient in what I know today of His will?

"Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul" (Psalm 143:8, NIV).

little interruptions

2007-11-05T11:58:00.001-05:00

"She delighted in seeing her plan upset by unexpected events, saying that it gave her great comfort, and that she looked on such things as an assurance that God was watching over her stewardship, was securing the accomplishment of His will, and working out His own designs. Whether she traced the secondary causes to the prayer of a child, to the imperfection of an individual, to obstacles arising from misunderstandings, or to interference of outside agencies, she was joyfully and graciously ready to recognize the indication of God's ruling hand, and to allow herself to be guided by it." - The Life and Letters of Janet Erskine Stuart

I remember watching Dom struggle once to fit a little block into the square whole it was made for. After several minutes of trying to manuever the object unsuccessfully, I held his hand and showed him how to adjust the block to fit through the hole. He was initially frustrated at my interference, but when he watched the object fall into the belly of the toy, he was excited to see his progress.

I wonder how often God has tried to intervene in my life, and I have pushed Him away, for fear that he is ruining my plans. How many people have I brushed off because I was in a hurry to be somewhere? What messages have I missed because I was running around? How many projects or plans have I messed up because I tried to go it alone instead of allowing God to guide me through it? And when intereferences do occur, how many times have I complained about it instead of believing that God works in and through ALL circumstances - even the inconvenient ones?

What if we delighted in seeing our plans interupted by unexpected events? What if we could really view all of these inconviences as a divine opportunities to see God's gentle hand in our life, slowly guiding us through our journey and training us in the way we should go?

How wonderful to live life this way.

faith, uncertainty, and valleys

2007-10-24T10:28:00.001-04:00

When Dom was about to leave us a few weeks ago, I remember telling a friend that I didn't understand how this fit into God's plan for our life. She looked me square in the eye and said "This is not about you. This is not part of God's plan to build your family. Maybe this was just about Domiean, and the part God wanted you to play in his life." I don't know why I was so struck by her words. But I realized that my perspective was way off. I was viewing the situation and wondering how it fit into my plan to build my family, and not trusting how it fits into God's plan. Why is this so hard? Why do I try to predict or control the future and have trouble placing faith in Him daily? With very little certainty in our lives, sometimes we have no choice but to cling to the rock of our salvation, the author and perfector of our faith. I wish that trust and faith in God came naturally but too often I am reminded that sometimes he forces you into a place where you must put your trust in Him.

"But whatever things were gain to me, those things I have counted loss for the sake of Christ. More than that, I count all things to be loss in view of the surpassing value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them rubbish so that I may gain Christ...that I may know him and the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of His sufferings, being conformed to His death." (Phil. 3:7-8, 10)

"For momentary, light affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison."

Read an encouraging post today http://acupofjoy.wordpress.com/2007/10/24/daily-dose-of-joy-6/trackback/ that reminded me of this poem. I used to have it posted on my desk at the church I worked at in Miami. It was a good reminder :-)

IT'S IN THE VALLEYS I GROW

Sometimes life seems hard to bear,
Full of sorrow, trouble and woe
It's then I have to remember
That it's in the valleys I grow.

If I always stayed on the mountain top
And never experienced pain,
I would never appreciate God's love
And would be living in vain.

I have so much to learn
And my growth is very slow,
Sometimes I need the mountain tops,
But it's in the valleys I grow.

I do not always understand
Why things happen as they do,
But I am very sure of one thing.
My Lord will see me through.

My little valleys are nothing
When I picture Christ on the cross
He went through the valley of death;
His victory was Satan's loss.

Forgive me Lord, for complaining
When I'm feeling so very low.
Just give me a gentle reminder
That it's in the valleys I grow.

Continue to strengthen me, Lord
And use my life each day
To share your love with others
And help them find their way.

Thank you for valleys, Lord
For this one thing I know
The mountain tops are glorious
But it's in the valleys I grow!

you are a better driver than me

2007-10-15T09:49:00.001-04:00

Reasons why I am a horrible driver:

1. Left the car running over night (see earlier blog entry)

2. Backed up into a tree doing a three point turn last week.

3. Tire pressure is low in my front right tire - that might be from running up on the curb too many times.

4. Two weeks ago I got my first speeding ticket in 7 years - know a good lawyer?

I finally started laughing in the car last night as Jeremy was filling the tire with air and admitted that I am tired of making excuses and I just may be the worst driver ever. It was good to finally let go. Oops, I just thought of number five.

5. Backed into a car at a stop light. (sorry honey, I didn't tell you about this one, I'll explain later - and it was a long time ago - sorta)

Last but not least, compliments of Elisabeth Elliot:

Several Ways to Make Yourself Miserable

Count your troubles, name them one by one--at the breakfast table, if anybody will listen, or as soon as possible thereafter.

Worry every day about something. Don't let yourself get out of practice. It won't add a cubit to your stature but it might burn a few calories.

Pity yourself. If you do enough of this, nobody else will have to do it for you.

Devise clever but decent ways to serve God and mammon. After all, a man's gotta live.

Make it your business to find out what the Joneses are buying this year and where they're going. Try to do them at least one better even if you have to take out another loan to do it.

Stay away from absolutes. It's what's right for you that matters. Be your own person and don't allow yourself to get hung up on what others expect of you.

Make sure you get your rights. Never mind other people's. You have your life to live, they have theirs.

Don't fall into any compassion traps--the sort of situation where people can walk all over you. If you get too involved in other people's troubles, you may neglect your own.

Don't let Bible reading and prayer get in the way of what's really relevant--things like TV and newspapers. Invisible things are eternal. You want to stick with the visible ones--they're where it's at now.

Blessings,

everything

2007-10-13T13:26:00.000-04:00

I've been checking out alot of videos online lately, and of all the ones I watched this had the greatest impact on me. I wish the resolution was sharper but the message is still clear. If you know any young women, or ever were one yourself, you need to see this.

I think the video speaks for itself.

Blessings,
C

transparent

2007-10-12T10:07:00.001-04:00

Two things I was reminded of last night:

1. Jeremy is more honest than I am.

2. If you go to bed at 1:30 and have to wake up at 6:30, you will probaby be late for work.

Scenario one: Jeremy wrote a few blogs recently which I finally read last night. You can check them out at http://jeremymulder.blogspot.com . He then asked me what I thought. I hesitated because I wasn't sure how to respond. On one hand, he made some really good arguments about some things and took a stance for what he believes are important in our faith. On the other hand, he was so transparent and candid that I wondered if people would be offended by what he wrote and how he wrote it. I chose to be honest and candid with him as well, and when I responded it didn't go over so well at first. I told him I was uncomfortable with how he wrote some things, and that maybe he was being offensive, and who knows what else.

In the end, we talked it out and realized a couple things. We BOTH want to be honest, transparent and truthful in our thoughts and words. Jeremy is transparent in his blog, and I am transparent in my opinions of Jeremy's blog. It is also apparent that I still have some things to learn about really being truthful and honest about who I am. What I admire is that my husband really is not concerned with what other people think of him. He cares for people deeply, but when it comes to what he believes he is willing to say whatever he thinks is the truth. Does he go too far? Who knows. When I want to speak the truth, I am always concerned at how I am percieved or how I come across, and get really nervous about offending people, so sometimes I may gloss over something and the message may be lost. this I realize may be an area for me to work on.

In the end, we both want to speak the truth, and are willing to reveal the messy reflection of Christ that we are - in hopes that through that honesty you may see and hear God's truth, His passion, and His love reflected through us.

Oh, and by the way, scenario two is that I got up late and came to work late. Yep, that's it.

Blessings,

new dawn

2007-10-10T21:42:00.000-04:00

It started with a small pair of shorts, and then socks hidden behind the crib. Since Dom left us last friday to live with his birth father, I have kept myself together for the most part. Tonight, I fought back my emotions and lost. I know he is in a good place. And I know that this is what we have been preparing him for for the past year. And I know that this is part of God's purpose and plan, to grow me, to grow him, to show His glory.

But tonight I hurt.

Praise God that tomorrow brings a new dawn.

In Him,
C

Deliver me
out of the sadness
Deliver me
from all of the madness
Deliver me
courage to guide me
Deliver me
Your strength inside me

All of my life, I've been in hiding,
wishing there was someone just like you
now that you're here, now that I've found you,
I know that you're the one to pull me through

Deliver me
Loving and caring
Deliver me
Giving and sharing
Deliver me
This cross that I'm bearing

David Crowder Band

Moonless Trust

2007-10-02T21:47:00.000-04:00

I can't seem to find the words lately. Right now I'm just thankful to be reminded of God's truth through others.

Another Devotional, compliments of Elisabeth Elliot

Some of you are perhaps feeling that you are voyaging just now on a moonless sea. Uncertainty surrounds you. There seem to be no signs to follow. Perhaps you feel about to be engulfed by loneliness. There is no one to whom you can speak of your need.

Amy Carmichael wrote of such a feeling when, as a missionary of twenty-six, she had to leave Japan because of poor health, then travel to China for recuperation, but then realized God was telling her to go to Ceylon. (All this preceded her going to India, where she stayed for fifty-three years.) I have on my desk her original handwritten letter of August 25, 1894, as she was en route to Colombo. "All along, let us remember, we are not asked to understand, but simply to obey.... On July 28, Saturday, I sailed. We had to come on board on Friday night, and just as the tender (a small boat) where were the dear friends who had come to say goodbye was moving off, and the chill of loneliness shivered through me, like a warm love-clasp came the long-loved lines--'And only Heaven is better than to walk with Christ at midnight, over moonless seas.' I couldn't feel frightened then. Praise Him for the moonless seas--all the better the opportunity for proving Him to be indeed the El Shaddai, 'the God who is Enough."'

Let me add my own word of witness to hers and to that of the tens of thousands who have learned that He is indeed Enough. He is not all we would ask for (if we were honest), but it is precisely when we do not have what we would ask for, and only then, that we can clearly perceive His all-sufficiency. It is when the sea is moonless that the Lord has become my Light.

Blessings,
C

christian radio

2007-10-01T21:01:00.000-04:00

Ahhhh, Christian radio. Who was the brilliant mastermind behind this 24/7 burst of incessant joy and happiness? It astonishes me how chipper Christian radio DJ's seem to be, always waking up on the right side of the bed, and greeting their listeners with an eerily cheery "Hi-diddly-ho, neighbouroo" (compliments of Ned Flanders). But as much as I have mocked Christian radio DJ's (and Christian radio in general) I found myself saddened recently as I received news that the Christian radio station I listened to in Miami has been sold and will no longer be on the air.

Most days 89.7 Spirit FM seemed to be the only light in the otherwise dismal and spiritless city that is Miami, FL. Cheesy DJ's and all, it was all I really listened to. Not that my options were bountiful, after all, virtually every other station in Miami consisted of some variety of the latest revamped and remixed club songs. Nonetheless, Spirit FM got me through three years in Miami, giving me my "daily dose of the Word" and introducing me to the personalities of James McDonald, John MacArthur, Tony Evans and Bob Coy. Sad that it is no longer :-(

Check out what's left of their website here: www.wmcuradio.com

In the meantime, I have found an online station that gets through my web filter at work to listen to. I'll try to remember to post the link when I go back to work. Which I wish was never, but will probably be tomorrow.

C

breaking the husk

2007-09-28T23:26:00.000-04:00

Ouch. This hit home.

The worst pains we experience are not those of the suffering itself but of our stubborn resistance to it, our resolute insistence on our independence. To be "crucified with Christ" means what Oswald Chambers calls "breaking the husk" of that independence. "Has that break come?" he asks. "All the rest is pious fraud." And you and I know, in our heart of hearts, that that sword-thrust (so typical of Chambers!) is the straight truth.

If we reject this cross, we will not find it in this world again. Here is the opportunity offered. Be patient. Wait on the Lord for whatever He appoints, wait quietly, wait trustingly. He holds every minute of every hour of every day of every week of every month of every year in His hands. Thank Him in advance for what the future holds, for He is already there. "Lord, you have assigned me my portion and my cup" (Psalm 16:5, NIV). Shall we not gladly say, "I'll take it, Lord! YES! I'll trust you for everything. Bless the Lord, O my soul!

Read the entire entry here: http://www.elisabethelliot.org/devotional.html

C

report

2007-09-28T13:00:00.001-04:00

If God were a psychologist and had to submit reports to himself, this might be his latest. I've submitted it for your enjoyment in APA format.

Introduction

It appears to be common among the human race, to desire to have control and power over lifes circumstances. This includes issues related to finance, work, family, and health. Of course, mankind should not try to control their future but submit to God's will and place their trust in Him. It is hypothesised, that if man were to lose the ability to control his own life and direction, his trust and faith in God for provision would increase.

Method

Participants

A female, married mother of three in her late twenties, was intentionally preselected for this study due to an extremely high tendency to assert her own power and control over situations rather than relying on God and having faith in Him alone.

Materials

The females dependence on herself to find answers and attempt to regain control was weighed against her dependance and faith in God over her future. These two variables were measured by God.

Procedure

Through various circumstances the females assurance of financial stability, family health or the future of the children became unstable. Though control was never really hers to begin with, the allusion of control over these matters was taken away so that subject would feel powerless.

Results

With no resources of her own to turn to, it was determinded that the female began to place more reliance and faith in God to provide for her future, than in her own efforts. She gained a renewed thirst for God's Word and began to concentrate more on trying to place her trust in Him than to try to continue to control her circumstances.

Discussion

The results of this study were consistent with the hypothesised outcome. As the female had less control, she relied on God more. Further research in this area may include blessing the woman with everything she has ever desired to see if she continues to place her faith and trust in God.

p.s. Add a scipture tag to your blog http://www.christianwomenonline.net/scripturetags.html

C

soaked

2007-09-27T14:16:00.001-04:00

Last night was bath night for the babies. I wish I could say I was supermom and bathed all three everynight, but in our house baths are on an "as needed" basis. Usually I bath the twins in their baby bath and then Dom in the big tub, but last night I decided to try to put one of the twins, Michael (5 mon), in the bath with Dom (1 1/2) to save time.

I thought it was a great idea, and was affirmed by Michaels cackling giggles as I placed him in the tub with Dom. The next moment Dom got excited too, and began splashing ferociuosly while making a high pitched yell/scream/laugh noise. Michael immediately freaked and his little face and body tensed as water splashed all over him. He didn't have a chance to cry through all the water on his face but managed to look up at me ponderously as if to say "mommy, what where you thinking?" Now commited to the task, I tried to hold Michael up (who can't sit up on his own) with one slippery hand while washing him with the other. At that point Dom decided to catapault out of the tub onto my lap and managed to soak me from the waist down. I soon became frustrated that neither baby would comply with my perfect plan. I don't remember the rest, but 15 minutes later all babies were clean and ready for bed.

I'm not sure what the bigger lesson is for me: to have more patience in completing a task, to not force someone into a situation they are not ready for, or to not wear my work clothes when bathing babies?

I was disappointed with myself for trying to rush through bath time and for being angry with Dom for getting water all over the place. I did however manage to slow down after bath time. I rocked the babies and sang songs to them. I read books with Domieian for a long time. I'm trying to remember to have more patience, not rush things, and enjoy the blessings of today. Afterall, we're not gauranteed that we will still have that same blessing tommorrow.

running

2007-09-21T22:47:00.000-04:00

Two things I learned today:

1. $25 of gas will keep your car iddling for 15 hours plus.

2. If your car is left running in your driveway in Schenectady overnight, it will not necessarily be stolen.

Yes. I left my car running in my driveway overnight. Jeremy discovered my blunder this morning when he went to go to the grocery store and the car was already on and ready to go. I somehow managed to get out of it last night after returning from work, and failed to take out the keys and turn it off. So far Jeremy has only used this against me twice today:

ME: Honey, you forgot to hang up your towel.

HIM: I'm sorry, WHO left the car on overnight?

I guess I should get used to it. I will be hearing about this one for some time. Thank the Lord (seriously) that our brand new Kia Sedona did not get stolen - I don't think insurance covers stolen vehicles that had the keys in the ignition.

On a brighter note, I don't have to work all weekend and am excited for some much needed family time. Thankfully we still have the van to get us all around.

C

identity box

2007-09-21T20:48:00.001-04:00

Years after starting this blog (I think I reserved it back when we lived in Miami) I am actually making an effort to blog regularly. This has inspired me to look up my old blogs from Myspace(sigh)Iand re-post them here periodically. This ones from August 20th, 2005.

I enjoy Myspace. I find it to be a great way to connect to old friends and new friends, keep in touch, vent out some thoughts, and carve out my own little corner of the giant internet cyberspace. Lately however I have run into one major problem that I like to call: the myspace identity box.

In mapping out this tiny little page I have struggled to incorporate all of who I am into one miniscule page that is supposed to define me for all of the internet world to see. No matter how much more I add to my site however I feel that every word or picture backs me further into a corner. My vast wonderous God inspired identity has been packed and shaped into a tiny little box. The image that comes to mind is from the movie Aladdin where the Genie talks about his powers of the universe being confined to an "itty bitty living space" inside the lamp.

I am tempted to erase my entire page just so that my identity will not be confined to a box, but seriously, that would just be boring. So I'll leave it up, but just for the record, I will try to sum up in an honest and candid manner, at my very core, who I am.

I am child of God saved by grace. This means two things to me. First, that I've found that on my own I am hopeless to find any real meaning in life, proven after a long search in my teen years that left me mostly bruised and scarred. Second, that my only redemption and identity is found in God through his son Jesus. Seriously, who is perfect? I'm an idiot most of the time and even on my best days I am a messy reflection of who I wish I was. Everything I try to do on my own I screw up beyond comprehension, so I've given up trying on my own and have embraced my Creator as my life mentor.

So that's me. A messy reflection of Christ. Try to put that in a box.

Good to remind myself where my priorities are.

C

light in the valley

2007-09-20T10:50:00.002-04:00

"He must be a satisfaction so deep that when death takes away everything that you love - but gives you more of Christ- you count it gain." John Piper

I'm working on that "satisfaction so deep" part.

I'll keep you updated. C

Oh man

2007-09-20T10:35:00.001-04:00

Jeremy updated my blog. Hope it's working!